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tomorrow is the big day

hello friends, tomorrow is surgery day. Went in for my preop today and all was good. I had to take my shirt and bra off :o/ shame!! I'm feeling pretty good, not too nervous. I went shopping today and it got me very excited to think of what i'll be wearing soon! Yay! I'm hoping tomorrow flies by and i'm in and out before i know it! I'll be admitted at midday and not sure what time i'll be going in. Well i'm doing this on my phone so making it quick. Looking forward to the future!! CUB

Cub

Cub

 

That awkward moment when you tell your mum you're getting lap banding!

Where to begin? This is my second blog for today and I promise I'm not obsessed and I did have human contact today so I shouldn't need to ramble as much as I did this morning BUT, I just wanted to write about my experience in telling my mum about the banding before I forget all the key details! So, usually when I have something big to tell her I obsess over it for a while, we are close but thinking about what her reaction might be to this news was actually scaring me! So I went around there and it took me probably about an hour and a half to get it out! I had no idea what to say... Hey mum, I'm getting lap banding! (no beating around the bush) I'm going under the knife!! (too dramatic!) I made an appointment to see the doctor about lap banding? (too long!!) None of it sounded right, so I figured now or never when I realised time was running out before our house mate arrived home. So I said. Um... So I've been like researching.... and she's like oh yeah what? And I'm like ummmm lap banding? and she's like "oh" * insert projectile word vomit* " It won't work for you. You can't say no to food!" Just like that, BANG shot down in burning flames!!!!!!! I was gutted. It was SO not the answer I was hoping for. I just could not believe that she wrote me off so quickly! Now my mum is the best mum in the world and don't get me wrong what she said was pretty brutal but I think it was just shock. So I told her that I'd been on this website and that it's worked for these thousands of people and yes for some of them it hasn't worked but I'm determined to be one of the ones who it does work for. So she's digesting this information as we speak, it was kind of awkward she went all quite and I was like SAY SOMETHING!! And she said she was processing and then we chatted about it some more and I really think she understands that this is all I have left, this is it. This lap banding is the one chance I have left to become who I have always wanted to be. A healthy, happy and skinny person. I deserve it, I'm sick of being " the fat one". So, that's my story. I'm interested to see what tomorrow brings on the matter! I have sworn her to secrecy and we'll see if she can stand it. I'm sure it's eating away at her now as I type this!! She reckons she can keep a secret. Hmph. We'll soon see. Thanks for listening Chums. Ciao For Now!

Cub

Cub

 

banded

well, i am officially a bandit. I wasn't too nervous and everything went well. Woke up in recovery thinking i was having a heart attack but it was just gas pain. I have to admit the sorest part of me for a while there was my lower back, me and hospital beds aren't friends! The only pain i have is wound soreness. I've had a few constrictions in the chest and i burp and it goes away. I never want to do a contrast swallow ever again!! It was SO foul, i dry reached. Of course. One of my nurses was naughty and gave me oral panadol in tablet form twice before i had my swallow, she was new. I said to her are you sure? And shes like yeah, your due some pain relief so i was like okayy... I looked at her and said i was scared and she looked at me blankly and said theres nothing to be scared of!! Thank god they went down perfectly! I was discharged sometime after 11 and have slept alot. Don't like getting up and down, it sucks! So i'm glad it's over, i can start looking forward to losing my weight! Anyway i'm feeling abit bleh so i'll leave it here. Good luck to people getting banded tomorrow. You'll be fine! Peace, love & apple juice, CUB

Cub

Cub

 

3 days in Bandit land...

Well, today is the 3rd day since banding and I have to say it's been okay, not like I expected though. I wasn't nervous before my op but I'm nervous for all the things that can go wrong from here on in!! Port flippage, band slippage, sack stretching OMG!!! Seriously!! I think people who know you've had it done and know someone else who has had it done, get pleasure out of telling you their friend of a friends horror stories!! Haha So yesterday we drove home from Perth and added an hour onto our trip from the stupid fire blocking the coastal route. I woke up feeling really good, I'd found a best friend in our couch in the hotel. It was the only place I could get comfortable due to my back. I have to say the worst pain I've had is back pain. Lower back pain is not my friend. I'm naturally a side/pookoo sleeper and my back is very disapproving of me sleeping on it! Since the op I've woken at about 12am with an incredibly sore back, so I walk around for abit and then settle on the couch. Panadol doesn't really help it though which sucks. I don't think the pain of this operation is something that people should be desperately nervous or scared about. I mean there are holes in your stomach and yeah they hurt, but only when you move! I didn't have any shoulder tip pain so I can't comment on that one. I guess the scariest part of it all is the unknown. The whole process is relatively easy though I don't know whether I have a high pain threshold or if it just wasn't that painful but seriously, the worst pain I have had is my back. I'm looking forward to my mum going shopping today so I can have stuff other than juice in my diet. Yesterday I should mention was quite a horrible day. I started out feeling amazing but after our 5 hour trip I was just wrecked, really, really uncomfortable. But this morning I'm good again. So I can't wait until the day when I can sleep comfortably on my side and pookoo again! That's all I care about haha is sleeping comfortably!! I love sleeping Anyhoo, today I'm going to aim for more water because I think last night I was actually a little dehydrated. Oh and thanks for all the well wishes peeps esp, you Faye Peace, love & sutures, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

Nearly a week :D

So, today is day 6 in bandit land. I'm pretty happy with my progress. I'm healing well, but itchy as hell as I had an allergic reaction to the stickyness on the waterproof dressings over my wounds. It's extremely hard not to scratch!!! Arrgghhh!!! I'm getting pretty hungry but find the 6 small amounts of liquid a day are filling the gap (for now). I'm finding it difficult to get enough water in, 1 sip every ten minutes is not really my idea of having a "drink" of water. Yesterday I was abit frustrated by this as I was very thirsty and couldn't just chug down some water. It actually really pissed me off and I was sitting here having a bitch to myself saying how ridiculous it was haha... let's add in here that I've been home alone with no human interaction so talking to myself is neccessary! I'm not crazy, I swear! I'm looking forward to mushies and I've been eyeing off the weetbix, of all things I want to fang into a weetbix haha what a freak! Actually yesterday I had a bit of a down day and I don't know why but I've got such a thing for cheese and ham sangas or cheese and ham toasted sangas and yesterday I wanted a toasted one. I've only just got fond of the damn things, I'm not a big ham eater though so it's quite strange and now I can't eat them!! I'm extremely worried about my smaller stomach being stretched. Talk about paranoia. I've always been a quick drinker and I'm trying SO hard to drink slowly but it's really not working too well... I can't really fathom how liquid could stretch the stomach because it slips right past the band doesn't it? Anyway I need to get a grip on that!! I've lost just over 7kgs to date and I can't really tell but I'm happy about the number I'm seeing on the scales. I've been naughty and weighing myself everyday, just to see. Next week I'll try not to! I went for a walk around the block the other day and I think it was abit soon and I didn't go easy enough because I got abit sore after but I'm going to start walking again either tonight or tomorrow. I can't wait til I can take my dog with me but he pulls really hard on the lead so I think I better wait a little while before taking him. I start work on Thursday and I'm really looking forward to it I think I'll be fine to go back to my daycare job the week after too so that's exciting. I've missed my little cherubs and I'm sure they've missed me too!! So anyhoo, I'm going to watch a movie because boredom is creeping back in. I might do some little hand weights while I'm watching the movie!! Okie dokie I'm off, take care peeps. Peace, love & V8 juice, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

The bigger I get.

I've noticed that the bigger I get the less I want to leave the house. I don't like any of my clothes at the moment and my favourite pair of shorts have gone to the big girl upstairs. *devestation* I can't afford to buy anything new and theres no point anyway because a. it either all looks disgusting on me or b. the fashion just isn't right for my shape (tree stump thighs and shorts above the knee aren't cool) and c. I'm in the mind frame that I'm just going to be losing weight, so what's the point in wasting my money?! Vicious, vicious cycle! I can't wait for you to leave me alone!! In other news, my friend who has been banded (with not much success) is coming home from the mines tomorrow so I will get to chat to her about her surgeon and all that. Kind of excited about it. It won't put me off that she hasn't had much success as I know she only has herself and her liquor to blame! I really really hope my surgeon can fit me in sooner rather than later, the skinny girl inside me is starting to get abit loud. I'm going to be praying to the universe! Anyhoo I'll make this a short one as I need to get to bed. Cub! P.S. Has anyone heard of the 5 love languages? I did mine today I'm "Quality Time" and am also strong in " Words Of Affirmation" I knew I would be the quality time one. I need people. I used to be good with isolation. Not so much anymore!! Anyway here I go again blah blah blah. Okay, I'm going! Goodnight chums!

Cub

Cub

 

Summer Lovin'

I'm so over summer. Seriously. 3 consecutive summers sucks donkey balls, not even joking. I'm sick of being a sweaty mess, I can't even straighten my hair or wear make up. I feel like the biggest frump hey!! So interestingly enough, I was reading through a post and one of the lovely ladies commented on the reasons she was sick of being fat and one that cropped up and made me think was a sweating issue. Now, when I went to the gym, what seems like many moons ago now, my trainer told me that sweating has nothing to do with fat or thin but just individuals. This made sense, until, I swear, the fatter I get the more I am sweating! I don't know if it's the weather or if I am actually sweating more than I ever have in my life. What do you reckon?? I'm the fattest I've ever been! It's pretty gross. Sorry if this is like too much info haha! I'm just sayin! So now to a serious issue. My name is Toni and I'm addicted to sugar I'm addicted to sugar. All I want to eat is sugar. I have been told this is a side effect of insulin resistance but who knows. I haven't been watching what I eat, at all, or taking my medication. And looking down, I can tell that I'm getting fatter. My gut is bigger. Ew. I just don't know what to do with myself in the mean time of getting my band. I don't want to get bigger but I don't seem to be able to stop. *sigh* such is my life. Woe is me, blah blah blah haha. I'm so excited about getting lap banded. I read everyones stories all the time and I wonder what I will and won't be able to eat. I'm extremely bad at just chucking food down my gullet, I don't know how I'm going to go with the chew, chew, chew rule. The two things that scare me the most are having a PB and the pain after the surgery. Working in childcare I'm used to the ole gastro bug and I must say I prefer puking over crapping but a PB just scares me. I have a seriously twisted way of thinking, I know. 5 days until I meet the man who will change my life forever! I can't wait to meet him! Anyhoooooooooo time for dinner peeps. Peace, Love & Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

Bring on November 3rd!

in 9 months time I will be lap banded. I am so excited. So my consult seemed to go fairly well, I liked Dr Dolan. So did my mum. He seemed fine, he asked me questions and weighed me and got my height, apparently I've grown a cm and put on 3 kgs since I started looking at getting banded. So I paid for my surgery. It was kind of funny the chick in reception was like, we don't really like you to pay for it today, we like to give you 24 hours to mull it over, I was like I don't need 24 hours. Then she was like well paying for it now won't get you in any sooner, and I said I didn't care. I'd saved it up and I wanted it gone so I didn't have to worry about it. She goes to me, oh you're keen as mustard!! I was like yes I am! I have to say I was extremely deflated when I was told the EARLIEST I could get in was the 3rd of November as I'd been told on the phone September and sort of had my heart set on it, you know. Anyway, atleast it's happening and I can count down to it. I've never wished away time so badly before!! Hopefully this year fly's by! 9 months is quite a wait! So heres to the 3rd of November and the life changes it brings with it, the good and the bad! Can't wait! Peace, love & latte's, CUB

Cub

Cub

 

I can do this!!

Today is day 2 of Optifast and I've decided I can do it! Yesterday was VERY touch and go!! Haha I could have so easily just given in and said "stuff it" and gone and brought something bad for me for lunch and eaten what the fam had for dinner but I didn't. I tried to make a vanilla shake with berries. It didn't go down well. Oh lord, the vanilla shakes are just HORRENDOUS!! I set my alarm for 5:30am to go walking but woke up with a starving tummy and decided walking probably wasn't a good idea so I didn't go. I ended up sleeping til after 7 and was so weak, I was meant to get my blood tests done today but I just couldn't. I had to have a drink of sprite zero to have something in my tummy. So when I'm more used to the Opti I'll go have it done. So after dropping my mum at work I headed to my nearest chemist and got me some chocolate and berry opti bars. Thank goodness for this invention. I think they might just keep me kicking!! The chocolate bar I'm eating right now is pretty dense and quite sweet but 1000 times better than having another vanilla shake. UGH! So I did a naughty thing and got on the scales this morning, just to see if it was working and it is. 1kg gone. Booyeah! I did drink heaps of water yesterday, I normally do when I am at work though but when I'm at home it will have to be a conscious effort, but I can do it!! So what I'm thankful for today, is that I'm getting a lap band and that in two weeks time, Optifast will never pass my lips again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love & Sprite Zero (best invention ever) CUB

Cub

Cub

 

Heart Break City (Beware - It's a long story!!)

Where do I start? I should start by saying that this is not meant as a sob story. This is purely a theraputic thing for myself and if you find while reading it that you don't want to continue, by all means don't. The story is true, not exaggerated and it's for my benefit. I guess the beginning is how the story should go. When I was concieved I was an unwanted child. My mum didn't want me for the first 8 months of the pregnancy. My dad was cheating on her and my sister was a highly dependant child who whinged ALOT! So out I came and I was a good kid. Slept, ate, shat, slept, ate, shat. You get the idea. I was a perfect child. I've never be smacked by my parents to this day. Despite my father cheating on my mother she stayed with him. She had moved over here from NZ to be with him and I guess she didn't have much of a support network to think that she could leave. I was born in a mining town, we moved to the country where I grew up on a farm and another very small town. We eventually moved to my home town where I live now and I've lived here for the majority of my life. My dad drove trucks for a living and then became a diesel mechanic/fitter out on the mines. So sometimes he was away from anywhere from 6-4 weeks. And then home for 1 week. It was hard, I didn't know my dad very well, for most of my life he was away at work. He was/is quite a selfish man. All our money went on what he wanted, new cars, smokes, coke (the drink not the drug haha), new beds for his donga. We built a big beautiful house, my mum used the money she got from the death of her mother for the deposit. So in the year 2000 my dad had a heart attack. It was very scary. It was a hard time but he was home for 6 weeks which was great, except that he was very grumpy and very restless. A few months later, we found out that he had throat cancer. This was extremely hard to deal with for a 14 year old. My dad had had a heart attack and now he had cancer, wow! Lots of stuff to deal with!! So not long after this, he came home from the mines to tell my mother that he did not want to be married anymore. He swore there was no one else, he just didn't want to be married. Yeah right. In the weeks later we found out that he was with someone else and he left us to be with her. He left his children, who were scared because their father had cancer and he didn't look back. He came back but only to take the car. My mum struggled on, worked as much as she could to pay the bills but it wasn't enough. He had promised to pay half of the mortgage but he didn't. So we lost our house. My mum had to sell it for a lot less than it was worth. I think she got about $100 from the sale. We think the real estate agent must have felt sorry for her because they put a scratchie in with her paper work. After my dad took the car, we had no car for years. We used buses, taxi's and walked everywhere. We never had take away and I had to rely on my school friends if I ever wanted to go to anything outside of school, not that we had much extra money for me to do anything. My dad basicly disappeared off the face of the earth. We later found out that he was up north " recovering" from his ordeal with cancer. We didn't know where he was or how he was. My middle sister moved to Perth and my pop, my dads dad, told her that my dad had a new life now and we had to stay out of it. Nice. So for a couple of years he was away and then he moved back to Perth. He had moved into his girlfriends house and set up a new life. I went to visit him on my own once. We were driving to my pops house when I noticed that my dads girlfriend was wearing a huge rock on her finger. They hadn't even told me. I tried not to cry in the back of the car. She was such a fake person. I hated being with them. They hardly spoke to me and she wouldn't leave my dad alone with me. He sent us out invitations to his wedding. He rang me to see if I was going to come. I told him I had nothing to wear and they were very keen to buy me a dress. However, I didn't particularly want to watch my father marry some home wrecking *****. So I didn't go to his wedding. I should add in here before the wedding my mum got some paper work from the divorce in the mail. There had been a mistake in the paperwork and she needed to correct it, however, my mum hadn't filled in any paper work for the divorce yet. Yes, you guessed it, my dads "thing" filled in the paper work and forged my mothers signature. I wish my mum had done something about it. She had no fight left in her though. So birthdays and christmases passed. He didn't ring or send presents. He didn't ring me on my 21st birthday. I lasted all day without crying but laying in bed that night, there was no denying how I felt. Uncared for. A few years later, my dad and his lovely bride got a foster child. His "thing" has no children, so we believe this child was their way of having a family together. This child is spoilt, he has everything a kid could need/want. I don't begrude him that because he's had a tough life and he's a nice kid but he is more my fathers child than I am. And I am his blood relative, he along with my mother, created me. A couple of christmases ago, my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew made the trip to have christmas with him, the "thing" and his foster child. It was bad. Everytime we had a moment with our father, she would call him to do a job. If she was inside he was inside. If we were inside, they were outside. Then christmas morning happened. My sister and I got a gift pack of soaps and loofas. My sisters boyfriend got chocolates and my nephew got a few things but the foster child had an enormous bag filled with presents which we had to sit and watch him open for an hour. We then had to sit through him parading all the lovely new clothes he got. It was great. He actually rang me the christmas just gone but we only talked for about 5 mins. How much can you talk about with someone you don't know and who isn't really interested in you anyway??? Most recently I stayed with them with my eldest sister and her husband and baby while they went to a metallica concert. We had given my dad photos in frames for one of his birthdays. All of the frames now had pictures of his foster child and his brothers in them or they weren't there at all. Feeling the love? So after all the birthdays and christmases, the tears and the feelings of not being worthy, today is my birthday and guess what??? I did hear from my dad. His "thing" sent me a message via facebook. How thoughtful! So I must admit, that I think inside me half my weight battle must atleast be contributed to the fact that I feel worthless because of my father. So there you go, from the time I was 14 I have been abit messed up. My father has a lot to answer for and very often I wonder if when he dies I will regret not trying harder but I know that I don't have a chance against his wife, so why try. He cannot make the effort for me, should I make it for him? We're the ones who end up hurt and in tears, not him. The moral of the story is that I think since all this happened food has been my saviour. It's been there for me, it's been my pick me up. It's been 11 years and I'm still not over it. This is what divorce leaves children with, it doesn't help that my dad is a particularly selfish man. So that's me, another birthday, another broken heart. It's easier to forget how much he doesn't care on a normal day but when it comes to special occasions such as the day of your birth, it's hard to forget the man who gave you your blue eyes, your long limbs and dimple chin. This story is such a complex one of which I haven't even scratched the surface! So there you go, you all know abit more about me and part of the reason why I have progressed to being as big as I am. This sure was a novel, but I did warn you it was a long story! Peace, love & ice cream cake, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

:o)

Well, as of today the 25th of January could not come quicker!! I can't wait to see my doctor and get this ball rolling. I spoke to my friend who has had awesome success with her lap banding (Starting weight 150kgs, Current weight 94kgs!!) I think she got it done last year or late the year before. I wish I could remember but I had alot on my plate at the time. Anyway she answered some of my questions and helped me alot. She really encouraged me. I have since told ONE person about my lap banding and that's a friend and fellow "big girl" that I work with. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore, I don't know if I trust her 100% to not tell anyone but meh, if people want to judge let them, I'll be the one with the last laugh! I am in this for the long haul, I have been inspired so much by people around me and people in the forums, I am going to do everything I can to lose this weight and be a healthy person. I love weight training but hate walking nowhere on treadmills, so I think once I'm "done" I'll join a gym for weight training to keep toned up. My arms are a problem though, I bulk up so easily! Last time I did weight training some guys even commented on my arms, so other than swimming and keeping them hopefully "bingo wing free" I'm not going to work on them as much in fear that I will get huge biceps and look like one of those man-ladies who do body building (eww). I have been obsessing over lap banding and everything that goes with it, by obsessing I mean thinking about pretty constantly and I was thinking about clothes. I have clothes ranging from size 16-24 and I'm worried that I'll be needing to buy new clothes all the time, which I sooooo cannot afford! I suppose I could go to OP shops and the like. I gave away a heap of my clothes to my friend that I mentioned above when she had lost some weight, so maybe she'll return the favour hehe Oh and my sister steals all my clothes so now I will be able to steal hers! HAHA She said it's my turn to be the skinny one now that she is getting chunky! I will LOVE that more than she will ever know. She's always called me " fatty" to hurt me and it did always hurt me. I won't do the same but I will relish the fact that I will be skinnier than her!! Anyhoooo been rambling abit today. I'm living alone at the moment and I'm a chatter box who doesn't like talking on the phone so this blog is copping the brunt of me not having anyone to talk to!! I can't wait to lose my "back boobs" and my "verandah" I'm telling my mum today!!!! 6 days until GP!!

Cub

Cub

 

Sucks to be me!

I'm pretty much having the shittiest two weeks ever!! Seriously! Oh I feel like such a goddamn whinger but seriously! I just want to scream and have a cry and get it out of my system! Why is it that people are so selfish. I'm not one to usually 'toot my own horn' but when it comes to me, I'm an extremely LOYAL person. Like if you're my friend, I'll do anything for you. I'll walk over hot coals for you or broken glass or whatever. So the first job I ever had was when I was fresh out of Tafe with my Diploma of Children's Services. I was the first one to get a job in my class and I got the best job in my class. I got to work at an amazing centre where I developed strong relationships and an extreme sense of loyalty to my employers. I even gave them 8 months notice before I left them to go to America. So recently as I would have blogged earlier, I went in there to get my job back as it was left open to me for 1 year. That one year mark will be mid April and when I spoke to my boss she offered me a different alternative of being a float around the centre helping and covering shifts for other qualifieds when they were away or having rostered days off. This suited me as I will be doing a hard core tafe course and working another job also. SO I was quite happy however, my boss was VERY hesitant to give me my job back and was very pushy over becoming the float. So anyway, I find out today that the girl who took my job over was called into my bosses office and she was told they wanted to keep her and don't want to lose her and would prefer her in the room and I was absolutely devestated. I am the kind of person who is "rule" orientated (hence interest in wanting to be a cop and do occ health and safety) I've always been this way, don't know where I come from haha but I do the right thing. I am SO good at being a child carer, but this girl who has no thought for rules, is extremely messy and rocks up to work late every day and alot of the time hung over has these people under her spell. I don't effing get it! She sits on the couch at work and sleeps? Umm... I have NEVER done that! EVER! UGHHH I want to scream! I want to shake my bosses and say what the hell happened to you guys? where did your standards go??? This is just a snippet of what happens to me, I'm one of those people who puts the effort in and gets nothing back, I'm the person who'd do anything for her friends but no one does anything for me. it sucks. S-i-c-k of it! Oh I also have serious road rage, like quite severe. I've followed someone home once to give them a piece of my mind hahaha (he was driving dangerously infront of me and actually spun out and hit a pole and uprooted it.) anyway needless to say, today was one of the WORST road rage days I've had in AGES! Firstly this guy is driving along and just stops infront of me no indication nothing. Just sits there, then I floor it and go passed him and starts moving again, I'm like DUDE! WHAT THE HELL!?? If that wasn't enough I was just about at work when this other idiot reverses out of a driveway on a corner and SITS in the MIDDLE of the road. For ages. I'm like UHHHHH HELLO!!!! So here I am already in a bad mood, I get to work and the other people have parked like shit and my car doesn't fit anywhere however theres a space that is only just too small for my car to fit in... WTF?! THEN I'm driving home and a semi trailor goes to pull out in front of me. Yes, MR. Semi Trailor I felt like I might like to die in a car accident today, NOT! Watch what your doing, JERK! Hahaha far out?! Today was not my day. I even had to deal with the embarrassment that my friend told my other friend that I'm interested in her brother in law. Oh god! My face and beetroots? Same colour! UGHHH! On a brighter note, my friend went to the doctor today and he will give her a referal to get lap banding done if she passes some diabetic test. Love that this could happen for her and change her life. Bless her! I've got my fingers crossed So it's not all bad news and whinging. I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment and wanted to vent. May we all have a good day tomorrow! CUB

Cub

Cub

 

Write. Delete. Write.

My blog just won't stick! I've been trying to write for days now and I never post them because they are either going to upset someone or I just haven't worded what I'm feeling right. GAHHHH!! It's horrendous. Huge storm yesterday, it was awesome, except for the power black out for 8 hours and having to go to work with no computers or air conditioning or lights. Meh. Pretty much one of the worst days of my life except for the fact that one of my dreams came true. (No power, freezer not working, ice creams melting = me getting to eat them and not pay for them and ahhhhh heaven!) So anyway this will be short and sweet. I'm committed 100% to getting this lap band and making it work for me. After reading stories of people not succeeding, I am taking that away with me as more incentive. I will make this work, even if I have to fix my head as well. I'm not doing this and then not giving it 110%, if I don't ,the only person I'm hurting is myself and I'm sick of myself hurting. So 110% it is. No matter what I have to do! No matter what I have to give up! I will do this!! Over & Out! CUB

Cub

Cub

 

Mum's the word.

So here I am on this forum, I'm new to the idea of being "banded" (yup, I've picked up some lingo!!!) I, of course have friends who have had it done and I praise the two of them who have done the right thing and done it properly. They both look fantastic and I wish it was me! Today I want to tell my mum that I'm thinking of getting a lap band. I don't know what to say to her or how to convince her that I need this more than I need air to breathe. I don't know how she will react and it scares me. She also has a BIG mouth and I know she will HAVE to tell someone!! I, on the other hand don't want anyone to know, even my big sister who will be extremely upset with me when she finds out I didn't want to tell her. But she's got this thing about me losing weight by some miracle she calls "eating everything in moderation" (Hahaha, she jests! I'm sure!) I can't do that. I never have been able to do that. I remember being a little kid and thinking about food all the time. I'm at a loss as to how this happens to people but I have been this way for my whole life! Anyway, today is the day, hopefully I don't chicken out. Mum, I'm getting lap banded.... There, easy enough to type! Now to make it come out of my mouth infront of her.

Cub

Cub

 

What a daaayyy!!

Well today was a big day for me! I moved out of my house sitting house and back home. I'm hoping to permanently move home as I'm not paying rent at the house sitting house but am still paying rent at home!! So I cleaned and got it ready for my friend to come home and then I went and wait for it.... Enrolled in Tafe weeeee!! I've only just decided to do the course I had been thinking of doing for the last 6 months and so I am a liiiittle bit excited about it! I hope I'm not too stupid for the course! I do have abit of a background in it and know a fair bit about it (well I think I do) I'll also have RPL (Recognised Prior Learning) so that will knock some units off. The course I'm doing is Certificate IV in Occupational Health & Safety! (I'm a rules kinda gal - hence wanting to be a cop etc). Everyone says this job will suit me. *excited squeal* So as of now I'm thinking that maybe 2011 WILL be a good year for me, especially if I get to be banded and start losing weight! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited at the prospect of losing weight. It's absolutely ridiculous that I should be having sleepless nights when for one thing, I haven't even been to my GP about it!! What is wrong with me?!!! Haha!! I admit it, I am a weirdo. Seriously, sitting here and trying to write this my eyelids feel like ACME anvilles!! It's ridiculous, I still have a meeting to go to tonight and everything!! UGH! Atleast I get free Hans out of it. YUM! Thai Green Chicken Curry. Nom, Nom, Nom!! So my second exciting piece of news is that my old work is going to either a. give me my job back (it was left open a year for me as I was supposed to be in America for a year) or make me a "floater" hehe no dirty jokes please. A "floater" in Childcare staffing terms, is someone who is flexible and can go from room to room where needed. SO I will have guarenteed work and then bits and pieces here and there. So I won't be working full time but earning enough money to have abit to play around with all while not jeopardising my studies. PHEW! Awesome day I am so easily pleased! I'm off for a latte to keep my eye balls open. Peace Out Peeps & As always, thanks for listening! CUB!

Cub

Cub

 

E is for Electrocution!

Last night, I got electrocuted! I know! So we have a nice little porch with a nice little outdoor setting on it and it's where we entertain ourselves and our guests, it's nice to sit out there, watch the sunset and have a cuppa. So anyway, back before Christmas our next door neighbours wanted to brighten up our porch so while we were out they hung these pretty Christmas lights from the roof! *insert christmas carols* Now lets fast forward to last night; we'd all had our cuppa and were about to head to bed and I went to open our front flyscreen door and I grabbed the handle and felt a funny sensation and let go. I jumped back a little bit because I thought it felt abit like something had fallen on me (severe arachnophobia - to the point of dry reaching, crazy spider dance, shudders etc) So I go to open the door again and realise the sensation is actually going through my arm upto my elbow and it's actually the door hitting one of the broken light bulbs onto exposed wires and I'm being mildly ELECTROCUTED!!!! Hahahaaha!! Not your ordinary cuppa on the porch! Today I'm working at my old work (daycare centre) and I was thinking about how nice it will be when I've lost weight to run around with the kids and not get really puffed out or be uncomfortable with my jiggly wiggly fat wobbling around when I'm trying to run and jump with the kids!! Yes, a nice day that will be. Or to sit on the floor without my spare tyre encircling me!! The more I think about this lap banding the more I am convinced that it is going to work for me. After trying every diet imaginable ( I always pair diet with exercise) I can't wait to see the fat melt off me because I know that results are going to encourage me and I will lose this weight. I don't for a second think that I won't have the dreaded head battle but I'm going to do my best not to eat bad things!! I'm going to come up with some strategies to beat it. I know I will eventually give in but hopefully I can be kind to myself and not allow guilt to consume me, after all if I am being good MOST of the time surely, I can be bad SOME of the time So anyway, I'm just excited, 3 days until GP. I can't wait to be a BANDIT!! CUB (I often just dribble but people keep commenting on my blogs so I'ma keep writing them )

Cub

Cub

 

Just a quickie! Tehehe

I just wanted to do a teeny tiny update - I realise I've already done one but I just had to say, I have the BEST mum! So today I made my consult appointment for Feb 17th and my mum is going to drive the 5 hours to the city with me so I can have my consult love my mum! It's made me so much more excited because I was abit worried I guess I can say she's supporting me 100% Happy, happy, happy

Cub

Cub

 

It's like I said...

well, today was, for lack of a better word just shit. UGH! Life's mood changes so quickly and easily and it's really driving me nuts! I made another blog somewhere else but I can't be bothered writing in that one, I don't remember my user name or password so this is it, this is my one and only blog. So it's not always going to be band related and you might end up knowing more about me than you perhaps wanted to but this is me and I'm here to stay because I find this, if nothing else very theraputic. I'm sure some of you can understand what I am saying. Work was not good. We were told that the Child Care Licensing Unit was in town - no big deal, we're above board. I then realise one of my crucial documents is out of date. So I need to have my lunch break early and race around like a headless chook on fire to remedy the problem. I have 90 points of ID and my expired document as proof of who I am - no bending the rules. I need 100 points. I really wanted to serve a big cup of f*$k you to the lady serving me. All my ID has my real full name, had my drivers license, a learners permit, two bank cards, a medicare card AND the expired photo ID. If it wasn't me, how did I get one in the first place?? I'm in my work uniform, clearly I'm on my lunch break but no, would she budge for those mere 10 points. No way. *expletetive* So off I race home, atleast I got to make a nutella sammich and that quelled my intense rage for oh I dunno, the 5 seconds it took me to shove it down my gullet. So then I get back to the blasted post office and she takes forever. So we have to take a photo. Any big person knows that taking a photo from above or no lower than straight on ensures that ones double chin is not going to ruin a photo, well a PYGMY took my photo, thus meaning that she was well and truly taking my photo from a upwards angle!! You should see my photo. Oh my god. Kill me now! It's f*$@ing disgusting. I'm not joking. I said to her, oh that's disgusting and she goes *get this* " it's okay, it does have to look like you after all" *devestation* what a BITCH! I am so pissed off at this point I want to go home and not go back to work. I tell my boss and she's like I don't care about your photo as long as you have it, fair enough I think BUT let's appreciate the fact that I look terrible and I want to smash something please. Anyway I look forward to them shelling out $50 when I no longer look like the fatso in the picture anymore. Suck on that! Fast forward to 2pm, two of my noisey kids wake up and squeal and play and be loud and wake the other 13 kids up. Thank you to those two cherubs *said with clenched teeth* So I go to see my boss for something and see a bottle of wine sitting on the desk. Well if you know anything about childcare regulations you will know that alcohol is not allowed on the premises AT ALL! It wasn't brought there by anyone who works there, it was delivered with our office supplies, the company must give wine to good customers. Anyway I say to my boss " you better hide that seeing as licensing is in town, we'd get into a bit of trouble" and she says " Not as much trouble as we'd have been in with your expired document" *dumb founded* completely inappropriate thing to say infront of other staff member who pisses me off to no end, also she had said earlier it was as much their fault as mine as they hadn't rechecked my expiry dates because I had left and then come back. So I walk off utterly pissed off and hurt by what she had said. Then she comes in and says sorry and gives me a hug. It doesn't quite cut it. Damage is done. So that upset me for the rest of the day. I'm still upset about it now. I know I should just get over it but it really annoyed me. I'm pretty much just in a foul mood and I looked at the date and figured out why. I'm due for aunty flo to visit in about a week and this is the time when I hate myself, feel completely miserable and want to slit my wrists. I never used to be this way when approaching my womanly time of month but I get like this every time now. I hope it goes away when I lose weight and my hormone levels are back to what one would call "normal". It's really awful to feel this way. I'm not myself and I hate it. Bubbly Cub is gone and hormonal awful Cub is here in her place. Beware! Did anything good happen today? I'm still alive, healthy and have a roof over my head. It's not all bad I guess. Heres hoping that tomorrow is a better day! I already know it's going to be busy and stressful - I'm trying not think about that bit. So heres hoping despite being busy and stressful it's atleast pleasant! Right, enough of my whinging, it's becoming abit of trend that I'm not liking! I hope all you peeps out there are doing well and are in a happier place! Peace, Love & Banana Bread, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

Life

Hey Kids! First of all I'll start off by saying, I have been M.I.A (missing in action) for a while now and it's not because I don't love writiing in my blog, it's just that I felt I was far too grumpy and sad sacky to be doing anyone any good and I am much happier now and back to my normal bubbly self. SO, let me fill you in on life. I've gone from sadsacksville to omgmylifeiscrazy town in a few short months. My life at the moment is INSANE. Normally I am this 24 year old nanna who hates her little routine to be put out in the slightest. Well, shit son! It is like a bomb has gone off in my life and destroyed Nanna Cub and replaced me with Energizer Bunny Cub I have started tafe, I've had one class and I love it! I'm the baby of the class, also love it, I have awesome, nice people in my class and I think I am going to do really well at Occ Health & Safety and I am so excited for the future I will have in that industry and just quietly I'm looking forward to being paid decent money instead of a pittance for raising other people's children!! So, along with that and holding down two jobs, catching up with friends and doing fun things with my nephew, life has been insane. I also met another guy, he was sort of in the pipeline at the same time as the other guy I was hoping to be set up with. So I chose the other one who I'll refer to as R (other guy was J) So R, is one of my work mates brothers. Her and I are friends and I asked her if she knew anyone single and R asked her if she had any single friends so baddabing baddaboom here we are. So on Friday night he finally got back into town, he also works away. I was so nervous before I met him but as soon as I saw him and was in his presence it all went away. I was very calm and it was kind of like, I'd known him for longer than I had. It wasn't awkward at all. So I'm quite keen to pursue him haha so we'll have to wait and see what happens there. My sister is keen to marry us off already haha but that's getting abit ahead of ourselves, I tell her! We went four wheel driving and it was so, so awesome. I normally love four wheel driving but it's something he does competitively so it was even more awesome. So yeah. He also said I was a decent "broad" hahahaha I pissed myself laughing at that. God I love manly men, none of these metrosexual freaks. Anyhoo... I'll keep you posted. If he doesn't like me now, he'll kick himself in a few months when I'm thin and fabuloso! Haha Soooooooo... I'm getting my lap banding done SEVERAL months early. I was doing my homework when the phone rang and I was so shocked that it was my surgeons office. I thought they were ringing to growl at me for not doing any of my pre-admission stuff yet haha but she said to me they'd had a cancellation and that I could have surgery on the 30th of March. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, so she gave me half an hour to ring back. I rang my mum she said " BOOK IT" haha so I rang back and booked it. I also booked all my other appointments and bobs your uncle and fanny is your aunt, I'm going to be banded!!!! It is the MOST AMAZING birthday present I could have ever imagined, seriously, I cannot believe it. I am so overwhelmed with joy. It was kind of a double edged sword however because she told me the reason for the cancellations was because that the hospital has decided that they cannot operate on anyone over 180kgs. So I felt very sad for whoever had been relying on this miracle only for it to be taken away from them. I said to the lady that it must be devestating for her to have to tell these people this news and she said it was the hardest part of her job. I feel for those people. I really do. I know how devestating it was for me to have to wait nearly 9 months for my surgery. I cried after I got off the phone to her. And as I write this my eyes are filling with tears because I have wanted to be skinny for the majority of my life and it's so close to happening for me. My life will be different forever and I will finally be all of the person I want to be but at half the person I used to be. I can't wait. Happy, healthy, skinny. Now that the shock is wearing off, I'm kind of shitting myself hahaha oh goodness me! Last week I bought a Magic Bullet blender so that worked in as perfect timing. You know how sometimes, things are just meant to be? Well this is one of those times. I can't believe it. I can't wait for the new me. Anyways, thank you all so much for your support, your kind words and encouragement. If I hadn't found this site, I wouldn't be where I am now. Hopefully at some point in time, I can actually meet some of you lovely ladies at a Perth meet and greet OH! And I'll be doing the whole look at moi before and after photos, so watch out for those. I'm going to start Optifast tomorrow so I will probably take photos tonight. YIKES! Haha Love & Optifast, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

It's been four days... haha

Today is day 4 of Optifast. I haven't had anymore shakes since I started, I'm living on the bars. I've been pretty good at sticking to it, I guess. I had Tafe on Thursday night and my lecturer chucked lollies at us to "keep us awake" and I didn't want to speak up and say no thanks I'm on a diet, so I just took them and ate them, naughty naughty. Oh well. Last night I just couldn't face another sweet bar so I made some cabbage with garlic and had a lean steak, I hope that is okay because it was the BEST thing I have EVER tasted hahaha. I had to do the grocery shopping today and I got abit unhappy because I know what the next 3.5 weeks holds for me. I know I'll only be able to drink this and that and that upsets me! I know I need to stop thinking about food so seriously. I mean that's why I'm in this position, because food is basicly my life! Everything revolves around food. I hope I can change my mind set! My mums support of me is abit up and down, I don't know if I'm too sensitive or if she's just being a bitch. I talk about how fat and disgusting I am and talk about how I can't wait to be a normal size and she tells me to shut up because she's sick of hearing it. Being fat consumes my life. I'd liken it to my thinking about how fat I am as many times as a man thinks about sex. So, it's kind of a big deal, to me anyway. I don't think theres many people who understand the extent that being fat rules my life. So I am excited and am wishing away the next four weeks so that I can be pain free and onto mushies! Peace, Love & Decaf Coffee, Cub

Cub

Cub

 

1 week down 1 week to go!

Well, it's one week down today since I started Optifast. I've lost 4 kgs and quite a few cms all over. I'm pretty happy with this effort, mind you I believe I could have done sooo much better if I had have exercised more. I only went for 1 walk during this week, only because I've been so tired. I wake up in the morning and I just can't get out of bed, so I go back to sleep. Not to worry, this week I am going to make more of an effort to hopefully lose abit more. I would be happy with another 4 but that might be being abit optimistic. Seeing as it's my birthday tomorrow and as a treat I'm going to have an ice cream cake with my family and then on Friday I'm going to go to dinner with my friends. One last shot of Gnocchi just incase I can never eat it again!! Yum!!!! I probably won't get to enjoy much of it, but I was thinking I might bring it home and freeze it and then blend it up when I'm into the Mushies!!! We'll see! So life has been even more hectic, I have no just secured a 3rd job. I'll be looking after a little boy 3 days a week, then my job at the day care centre plus my job at video ezy AND tafe. So I'm going to be a busy girl, I hope I can fit it all in and still have a life. I've pretty much kissed the idea of getting a boyfriend goodbye. With all my committments I don't think I'll have time for one! A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I'm turning 25 tomorrow and I'm quite sad about it. 2 years until my school 10 year reunion. 5 years until I'm 30! ARRRGGGHHHH!!! Scary!! Haha!! So now that my surgery is a week away, I'm starting to get nervous. It's happening. I need to embrace the new life that I will have. Anyway thats enough from me now, CUB

Cub

Cub

 

Leaving for the big smoke!

I'm leaving for Perth today, my pre op is on Tuesday and my op on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to my surgery, not nervous, I'm EXTREMELY excited and counting down the day that I won't have to eat OPTIDISGUSTING!! anymore haha... It's been a real struggle getting it into me the last couple of days. I'm trying really hard but I'd literally rather not eat than eat Opti and I am skipping meals, so I'm very willing for time to speed up and for my op to be over and done with so I can eat normal food (and by normal I mean liquids ) So hooray for no more opti. Anyhoo just stopping by to keep up to date. As of today I've lost nearly 5 kgs on Opti, my birthday splurge turned out to be abit naughty and halted my weight loss. Annnnyway we won't dwell on the naughtiness! This morning I was thinking about losing weight and how I need to keep in the right head space, my mum saw me do this weird thing with my hands (I was sort of "woosaahhh-ing") haha and she now thinks I'm crazy. I'm glad I'm in this head space now Bring it on!! Peace, Love & Never having to eat optifast again, CUB

Cub

Cub

 

Back to the drawing board!

Well I didn't get a chance to tell my mum yesterday and it's really driving me nuts! I talk to her about everything and not being able to get this off my chest is UGH! Annoying! You are the only ones that know and that brings me some comfort! atleast. The problem is that I can't get her alone. She worked yesterday and everytime it was quiet and I worked up the courage more customers came in. I was like how dare you!! Anyway that's reason number 1, reason number 2 is because we've had a family friend move into our home and so I can't get my mum on her own for long enough!! If I weren't working tonight it would be the perfect chance because our friend is working late so there'd be about an hour and a half but I'm working. Tomorrow night however, I might be in with a chance!! One good thing is.... I made an appointment with my GP today So on the 25th of Jan, my journey may really start to begin!! I'm very excited and I've written lists to help convince my doctor if she needs it! I've written a list of diets I've done and how many times I've done them each. 13 years is a long time to diet and especially at my age. I hope to God she gives me a referal, I need this so much. All I can see is the end of the tunnel where I'm healthy and happy and SKINNY - for the first time in my life! I wrote two pages on what losing weight will do for me as a person, and I wrote a mere half a page of what it will mean if I don't lose weight. I don't like that page as it scares me but it's true! So, I think I have decided to go with the surgeon Kevin Dolan as everyone sings his praises. I haven't yet been able to ask the two friends of mine who've been banded who their surgeon was, but I'd probably use theirs, who may even turn out to be Kevin, who knows! Anyways, I'm feeling happy that I've taken the plunge and made the appointment to see my GP. May it all get better from here on in! Peace Out!

Cub

Cub

 

Well I'll Be!

Today was a fantastic day! A little humid for my liking but sunny and lovely! Where I live there is the most beautiful ocean and foreshore with cafes, shopping, a water park and a broadwalk that even has exercise equipment here and there for that extra oomph work out! It's awesome! So today I went with two of my very good friends to one of the local cafes, amazing place right on the beach. We had wedges with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce, they had some bruschetta, then we pigged out on our lunch and THEN me and one of my friends had dessert and she even went as far as having an iced chocolate! So our "skinny" friend commented on how much we could eat and me and my other friend looked at each other, smiled and said we didn't get this way by eating like you!! It was funny because we certainly didn't eat the amount that I suppose would be considered normal. At that point in time I realised how drasticly my life is going to change and I'm not scared, not one bit. I know there will be things I can't have anymore like hot chips or that in a social situation I might have a PB but I am so ready for this. So ready for the journey, so ready to leave my fat induced misery behind me!! I didn't go ahead and tell both of my friends that I am getting lap banding, only the one who I knew would understand. She's known me for a long time and she knows what I've tried and she said to me, I feel like you've been on a diet the whole time I've known you. And so she expressed how great she thought it was and said she was behind me 100%! I was so thrilled that someone was cheering me on you know! It was nice to have such a supportive person saying these things to me. I didn't need to justify my reasons, she just said good on ya! And she even went as far as saying she knows it will work for me *excitement* I love her. Great mate! So today was a great day and I am now even more excited than ever! Only 1 more day until I see my GP. I cannot wait to see that surgeon and get my date! I know I've said it soo many times but it doesn't get old to me! I can't wait to get my band!! CUB!

Cub

Cub

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