So, today is day 6 in bandit land. I'm pretty happy with my progress. I'm healing well, but itchy as hell as I had an allergic reaction to the stickyness on the waterproof dressings over my wounds. It's extremely hard not to scratch!!! Arrgghhh!!! I'm getting pretty hungry but find the 6 small amounts of liquid a day are filling the gap (for now). I'm finding it difficult to get enough water in, 1 sip every ten minutes is not really my idea of having a "drink" of water. Yesterday I was abit frustrated by this as I was very thirsty and couldn't just chug down some water. It actually really pissed me off and I was sitting here having a bitch to myself saying how ridiculous it was haha... let's add in here that I've been home alone with no human interaction so talking to myself is neccessary! I'm not crazy, I swear!
I'm looking forward to mushies and I've been eyeing off the weetbix, of all things I want to fang into a weetbix haha what a freak! Actually yesterday I had a bit of a down day and I don't know why but I've got such a thing for cheese and ham sangas or cheese and ham toasted sangas and yesterday I wanted a toasted one. I've only just got fond of the damn things, I'm not a big ham eater though so it's quite strange and now I can't eat them!!
I'm extremely worried about my smaller stomach being stretched. Talk about paranoia. I've always been a quick drinker and I'm trying SO hard to drink slowly but it's really not working too well... I can't really fathom how liquid could stretch the stomach because it slips right past the band doesn't it? Anyway I need to get a grip on that!!
I've lost just over 7kgs to date and I can't really tell but I'm happy about the number I'm seeing on the scales. I've been naughty and weighing myself everyday, just to see. Next week I'll try not to! I went for a walk around the block the other day and I think it was abit soon and I didn't go easy enough because I got abit sore after but I'm going to start walking again either tonight or tomorrow. I can't wait til I can take my dog with me but he pulls really hard on the lead so I think I better wait a little while before taking him. I start work on Thursday and I'm really looking forward to it
I think I'll be fine to go back to my daycare job the week after too so that's exciting. I've missed my little cherubs and I'm sure they've missed me too!!
So anyhoo, I'm going to watch a movie because boredom is creeping back in. I might do some little hand weights while I'm watching the movie!!
Okie dokie I'm off, take care peeps.
Peace, love & V8 juice,
Well, today is the 3rd day since banding and I have to say it's been okay, not like I expected though. I wasn't nervous before my op but I'm nervous for all the things that can go wrong from here on in!! Port flippage, band slippage, sack stretching OMG!!! Seriously!! I think people who know you've had it done and know someone else who has had it done, get pleasure out of telling you their friend of a friends horror stories!! Haha
So yesterday we drove home from Perth and added an hour onto our trip from the stupid fire blocking the coastal route. I woke up feeling really good, I'd found a best friend in our couch in the hotel. It was the only place I could get comfortable due to my back. I have to say the worst pain I've had is back pain. Lower back pain is not my friend. I'm naturally a side/pookoo sleeper and my back is very disapproving of me sleeping on it! Since the op I've woken at about 12am with an incredibly sore back, so I walk around for abit and then settle on the couch. Panadol doesn't really help it though which sucks.
I don't think the pain of this operation is something that people should be desperately nervous or scared about. I mean there are holes in your stomach and yeah they hurt, but only when you move! I didn't have any shoulder tip pain so I can't comment on that one. I guess the scariest part of it all is the unknown. The whole process is relatively easy though I don't know whether I have a high pain threshold or if it just wasn't that painful but seriously, the worst pain I have had is my back.
I'm looking forward to my mum going shopping today so I can have stuff other than juice in my diet. Yesterday I should mention was quite a horrible day. I started out feeling amazing but after our 5 hour trip I was just wrecked, really, really uncomfortable. But this morning I'm good again.
So I can't wait until the day when I can sleep comfortably on my side and pookoo again! That's all I care about haha is sleeping comfortably!! I love sleeping
Anyhoo, today I'm going to aim for more water because I think last night I was actually a little dehydrated.
Oh and thanks for all the well wishes peeps esp, you Faye
Peace, love & sutures,
well, i am officially a bandit. I wasn't too nervous and everything went well. Woke up in recovery thinking i was having a heart attack but it was just gas pain. I have to admit the sorest part of me for a while there was my lower back, me and hospital beds aren't friends! The only pain i have is wound soreness. I've had a few constrictions in the chest and i burp and it goes away. I never want to do a contrast swallow ever again!! It was SO foul, i dry reached. Of course. One of my nurses was naughty and gave me oral panadol in tablet form twice before i had my swallow, she was new. I said to her are you sure? And shes like yeah, your due some pain relief so i was like okayy... I looked at her and said i was scared and she looked at me blankly and said theres nothing to be scared of!! Thank god they went down perfectly! I was discharged sometime after 11 and have slept alot. Don't like getting up and down, it sucks!
So i'm glad it's over, i can start looking forward to losing my weight!
Anyway i'm feeling abit bleh so i'll leave it here. Good luck to people getting banded tomorrow. You'll be fine!
Peace, love & apple juice,
tomorrow is surgery day. Went in for my preop today and all was good. I had to take my shirt and bra off :o/ shame!! I'm feeling pretty good, not too nervous. I went shopping today and it got me very excited to think of what i'll be wearing soon! Yay!
I'm hoping tomorrow flies by and i'm in and out before i know it! I'll be admitted at midday and not sure what time i'll be going in.
Well i'm doing this on my phone so making it quick. Looking forward to the future!!
I'm leaving for Perth today, my pre op is on Tuesday and my op on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to my surgery, not nervous, I'm EXTREMELY excited and counting down the day that I won't have to eat OPTIDISGUSTING!! anymore haha... It's been a real struggle getting it into me the last couple of days. I'm trying really hard but I'd literally rather not eat than eat Opti and I am skipping meals, so I'm very willing for time to speed up and for my op to be over and done with so I can eat normal food (and by normal I mean liquids ) So hooray for no more opti.
Anyhoo just stopping by to keep up to date. As of today I've lost nearly 5 kgs on Opti, my birthday splurge turned out to be abit naughty and halted my weight loss. Annnnyway we won't dwell on the naughtiness! This morning I was thinking about losing weight and how I need to keep in the right head space, my mum saw me do this weird thing with my hands (I was sort of "woosaahhh-ing") haha and she now thinks I'm crazy.
I'm glad I'm in this head space now Bring it on!!
Peace, Love & Never having to eat optifast again,
Where do I start? I should start by saying that this is not meant as a sob story. This is purely a theraputic thing for myself and if you find while reading it that you don't want to continue, by all means don't. The story is true, not exaggerated and it's for my benefit.
I guess the beginning is how the story should go. When I was concieved I was an unwanted child. My mum didn't want me for the first 8 months of the pregnancy. My dad was cheating on her and my sister was a highly dependant child who whinged ALOT! So out I came and I was a good kid. Slept, ate, shat, slept, ate, shat. You get the idea. I was a perfect child. I've never be smacked by my parents to this day. Despite my father cheating on my mother she stayed with him. She had moved over here from NZ to be with him and I guess she didn't have much of a support network to think that she could leave.
I was born in a mining town, we moved to the country where I grew up on a farm and another very small town. We eventually moved to my home town where I live now and I've lived here for the majority of my life. My dad drove trucks for a living and then became a diesel mechanic/fitter out on the mines. So sometimes he was away from anywhere from 6-4 weeks. And then home for 1 week. It was hard, I didn't know my dad very well, for most of my life he was away at work.
He was/is quite a selfish man. All our money went on what he wanted, new cars, smokes, coke (the drink not the drug haha), new beds for his donga. We built a big beautiful house, my mum used the money she got from the death of her mother for the deposit. So in the year 2000 my dad had a heart attack. It was very scary. It was a hard time but he was home for 6 weeks which was great, except that he was very grumpy and very restless.
A few months later, we found out that he had throat cancer. This was extremely hard to deal with for a 14 year old. My dad had had a heart attack and now he had cancer, wow! Lots of stuff to deal with!! So not long after this, he came home from the mines to tell my mother that he did not want to be married anymore. He swore there was no one else, he just didn't want to be married.
Yeah right. In the weeks later we found out that he was with someone else and he left us to be with her. He left his children, who were scared because their father had cancer and he didn't look back. He came back but only to take the car. My mum struggled on, worked as much as she could to pay the bills but it wasn't enough. He had promised to pay half of the mortgage but he didn't. So we lost our house. My mum had to sell it for a lot less than it was worth. I think she got about $100 from the sale. We think the real estate agent must have felt sorry for her because they put a scratchie in with her paper work. After my dad took the car, we had no car for years. We used buses, taxi's and walked everywhere. We never had take away and I had to rely on my school friends if I ever wanted to go to anything outside of school, not that we had much extra money for me to do anything.
My dad basicly disappeared off the face of the earth. We later found out that he was up north " recovering" from his ordeal with cancer. We didn't know where he was or how he was. My middle sister moved to Perth and my pop, my dads dad, told her that my dad had a new life now and we had to stay out of it. Nice.
So for a couple of years he was away and then he moved back to Perth. He had moved into his girlfriends house and set up a new life. I went to visit him on my own once. We were driving to my pops house when I noticed that my dads girlfriend was wearing a huge rock on her finger. They hadn't even told me. I tried not to cry in the back of the car. She was such a fake person. I hated being with them. They hardly spoke to me and she wouldn't leave my dad alone with me.
He sent us out invitations to his wedding. He rang me to see if I was going to come. I told him I had nothing to wear and they were very keen to buy me a dress. However, I didn't particularly want to watch my father marry some home wrecking *****. So I didn't go to his wedding. I should add in here before the wedding my mum got some paper work from the divorce in the mail. There had been a mistake in the paperwork and she needed to correct it, however, my mum hadn't filled in any paper work for the divorce yet. Yes, you guessed it, my dads "thing" filled in the paper work and forged my mothers signature. I wish my mum had done something about it. She had no fight left in her though.
So birthdays and christmases passed. He didn't ring or send presents. He didn't ring me on my 21st birthday. I lasted all day without crying but laying in bed that night, there was no denying how I felt. Uncared for.
A few years later, my dad and his lovely bride got a foster child. His "thing" has no children, so we believe this child was their way of having a family together. This child is spoilt, he has everything a kid could need/want. I don't begrude him that because he's had a tough life and he's a nice kid but he is more my fathers child than I am. And I am his blood relative, he along with my mother, created me.
A couple of christmases ago, my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew made the trip to have christmas with him, the "thing" and his foster child. It was bad. Everytime we had a moment with our father, she would call him to do a job. If she was inside he was inside. If we were inside, they were outside. Then christmas morning happened. My sister and I got a gift pack of soaps and loofas. My sisters boyfriend got chocolates and my nephew got a few things but the foster child had an enormous bag filled with presents which we had to sit and watch him open for an hour. We then had to sit through him parading all the lovely new clothes he got. It was great.
He actually rang me the christmas just gone but we only talked for about 5 mins. How much can you talk about with someone you don't know and who isn't really interested in you anyway??? Most recently I stayed with them with my eldest sister and her husband and baby while they went to a metallica concert. We had given my dad photos in frames for one of his birthdays. All of the frames now had pictures of his foster child and his brothers in them or they weren't there at all. Feeling the love?
So after all the birthdays and christmases, the tears and the feelings of not being worthy, today is my birthday and guess what??? I did hear from my dad. His "thing" sent me a message via facebook. How thoughtful!
So I must admit, that I think inside me half my weight battle must atleast be contributed to the fact that I feel worthless because of my father.
So there you go, from the time I was 14 I have been abit messed up. My father has a lot to answer for and very often I wonder if when he dies I will regret not trying harder but I know that I don't have a chance against his wife, so why try. He cannot make the effort for me, should I make it for him? We're the ones who end up hurt and in tears, not him.
The moral of the story is that I think since all this happened food has been my saviour. It's been there for me, it's been my pick me up. It's been 11 years and I'm still not over it. This is what divorce leaves children with, it doesn't help that my dad is a particularly selfish man.
So that's me, another birthday, another broken heart. It's easier to forget how much he doesn't care on a normal day but when it comes to special occasions such as the day of your birth, it's hard to forget the man who gave you your blue eyes, your long limbs and dimple chin.
This story is such a complex one of which I haven't even scratched the surface!
So there you go, you all know abit more about me and part of the reason why I have progressed to being as big as I am.
This sure was a novel, but I did warn you it was a long story!
Peace, love & ice cream cake,
Well, it's one week down today since I started Optifast. I've lost 4 kgs and quite a few cms all over. I'm pretty happy with this effort, mind you I believe I could have done sooo much better if I had have exercised more. I only went for 1 walk during this week, only because I've been so tired. I wake up in the morning and I just can't get out of bed, so I go back to sleep.
Not to worry, this week I am going to make more of an effort to hopefully lose abit more. I would be happy with another 4 but that might be being abit optimistic. Seeing as it's my birthday tomorrow and as a treat I'm going to have an ice cream cake with my family and then on Friday I'm going to go to dinner with my friends. One last shot of Gnocchi just incase I can never eat it again!! Yum!!!! I probably won't get to enjoy much of it, but I was thinking I might bring it home and freeze it and then blend it up when I'm into the Mushies!!! We'll see!
So life has been even more hectic, I have no just secured a 3rd job. I'll be looking after a little boy 3 days a week, then my job at the day care centre plus my job at video ezy AND tafe. So I'm going to be a busy girl, I hope I can fit it all in and still have a life. I've pretty much kissed the idea of getting a boyfriend goodbye. With all my committments I don't think I'll have time for one! A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I'm turning 25 tomorrow and I'm quite sad about it. 2 years until my school 10 year reunion. 5 years until I'm 30! ARRRGGGHHHH!!! Scary!! Haha!!
So now that my surgery is a week away, I'm starting to get nervous. It's happening. I need to embrace the new life that I will have.
Anyway thats enough from me now,
Today is day 4 of Optifast. I haven't had anymore shakes since I started, I'm living on the bars. I've been pretty good at sticking to it, I guess. I had Tafe on Thursday night and my lecturer chucked lollies at us to "keep us awake" and I didn't want to speak up and say no thanks I'm on a diet, so I just took them and ate them, naughty naughty. Oh well.
Last night I just couldn't face another sweet bar so I made some cabbage with garlic and had a lean steak, I hope that is okay because it was the BEST thing I have EVER tasted hahaha. I had to do the grocery shopping today and I got abit unhappy because I know what the next 3.5 weeks holds for me. I know I'll only be able to drink this and that and that upsets me! I know I need to stop thinking about food so seriously. I mean that's why I'm in this position, because food is basicly my life! Everything revolves around food. I hope I can change my mind set!
My mums support of me is abit up and down, I don't know if I'm too sensitive or if she's just being a bitch. I talk about how fat and disgusting I am and talk about how I can't wait to be a normal size and she tells me to shut up because she's sick of hearing it. Being fat consumes my life. I'd liken it to my thinking about how fat I am as many times as a man thinks about sex. So, it's kind of a big deal, to me anyway. I don't think theres many people who understand the extent that being fat rules my life.
So I am excited and am wishing away the next four weeks so that I can be pain free and onto mushies!
Peace, Love & Decaf Coffee,
Today is day 2 of Optifast and I've decided I can do it! Yesterday was VERY touch and go!! Haha I could have so easily just given in and said "stuff it" and gone and brought something bad for me for lunch and eaten what the fam had for dinner but I didn't. I tried to make a vanilla shake with berries. It didn't go down well. Oh lord, the vanilla shakes are just HORRENDOUS!!
I set my alarm for 5:30am to go walking but woke up with a starving tummy and decided walking probably wasn't a good idea so I didn't go. I ended up sleeping til after 7 and was so weak, I was meant to get my blood tests done today but I just couldn't. I had to have a drink of sprite zero to have something in my tummy. So when I'm more used to the Opti I'll go have it done.
So after dropping my mum at work I headed to my nearest chemist and got me some chocolate and berry opti bars. Thank goodness for this invention. I think they might just keep me kicking!! The chocolate bar I'm eating right now is pretty dense and quite sweet but 1000 times better than having another vanilla shake. UGH!
So I did a naughty thing and got on the scales this morning, just to see if it was working and it is. 1kg gone. Booyeah! I did drink heaps of water yesterday, I normally do when I am at work though but when I'm at home it will have to be a conscious effort, but I can do it!!
So what I'm thankful for today, is that I'm getting a lap band and that in two weeks time, Optifast will never pass my lips again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love & Sprite Zero (best invention ever)
First of all I'll start off by saying, I have been M.I.A (missing in action) for a while now and it's not because I don't love writiing in my blog, it's just that I felt I was far too grumpy and sad sacky to be doing anyone any good and I am much happier now and back to my normal bubbly self. SO, let me fill you in on life. I've gone from sadsacksville to omgmylifeiscrazy town in a few short months.
My life at the moment is INSANE. Normally I am this 24 year old nanna who hates her little routine to be put out in the slightest. Well, shit son! It is like a bomb has gone off in my life and destroyed Nanna Cub and replaced me with Energizer Bunny Cub I have started tafe, I've had one class and I love it! I'm the baby of the class, also love it, I have awesome, nice people in my class and I think I am going to do really well at Occ Health & Safety and I am so excited for the future I will have in that industry and just quietly I'm looking forward to being paid decent money instead of a pittance for raising other people's children!!
So, along with that and holding down two jobs, catching up with friends and doing fun things with my nephew, life has been insane. I also met another guy, he was sort of in the pipeline at the same time as the other guy I was hoping to be set up with. So I chose the other one who I'll refer to as R (other guy was J) So R, is one of my work mates brothers. Her and I are friends and I asked her if she knew anyone single and R asked her if she had any single friends so baddabing baddaboom here we are. So on Friday night he finally got back into town, he also works away. I was so nervous before I met him but as soon as I saw him and was in his presence it all went away. I was very calm and it was kind of like, I'd known him for longer than I had. It wasn't awkward at all. So I'm quite keen to pursue him haha so we'll have to wait and see what happens there. My sister is keen to marry us off already haha but that's getting abit ahead of ourselves, I tell her! We went four wheel driving and it was so, so awesome. I normally love four wheel driving but it's something he does competitively so it was even more awesome. So yeah. He also said I was a decent "broad" hahahaha I pissed myself laughing at that. God I love manly men, none of these metrosexual freaks. Anyhoo... I'll keep you posted. If he doesn't like me now, he'll kick himself in a few months when I'm thin and fabuloso! Haha
Soooooooo... I'm getting my lap banding done SEVERAL months early. I was doing my homework when the phone rang and I was so shocked that it was my surgeons office. I thought they were ringing to growl at me for not doing any of my pre-admission stuff yet haha but she said to me they'd had a cancellation and that I could have surgery on the 30th of March. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, so she gave me half an hour to ring back. I rang my mum she said " BOOK IT" haha so I rang back and booked it. I also booked all my other appointments and bobs your uncle and fanny is your aunt, I'm going to be banded!!!!
It is the MOST AMAZING birthday present I could have ever imagined, seriously, I cannot believe it. I am so overwhelmed with joy. It was kind of a double edged sword however because she told me the reason for the cancellations was because that the hospital has decided that they cannot operate on anyone over 180kgs. So I felt very sad for whoever had been relying on this miracle only for it to be taken away from them. I said to the lady that it must be devestating for her to have to tell these people this news and she said it was the hardest part of her job. I feel for those people. I really do. I know how devestating it was for me to have to wait nearly 9 months for my surgery. I cried after I got off the phone to her. And as I write this my eyes are filling with tears because I have wanted to be skinny for the majority of my life and it's so close to happening for me. My life will be different forever and I will finally be all of the person I want to be but at half the person I used to be. I can't wait. Happy, healthy, skinny.
Now that the shock is wearing off, I'm kind of shitting myself hahaha oh goodness me! Last week I bought a Magic Bullet blender so that worked in as perfect timing. You know how sometimes, things are just meant to be? Well this is one of those times. I can't believe it. I can't wait for the new me.
Anyways, thank you all so much for your support, your kind words and encouragement. If I hadn't found this site, I wouldn't be where I am now. Hopefully at some point in time, I can actually meet some of you lovely ladies at a Perth meet and greet
OH! And I'll be doing the whole look at moi before and after photos, so watch out for those. I'm going to start Optifast tomorrow so I will probably take photos tonight. YIKES! Haha
Love & Optifast,
in 9 months time I will be lap banded. I am so excited. So my consult seemed to go fairly well, I liked Dr Dolan. So did my mum. He seemed fine, he asked me questions and weighed me and got my height, apparently I've grown a cm and put on 3 kgs since I started looking at getting banded.
So I paid for my surgery. It was kind of funny the chick in reception was like, we don't really like you to pay for it today, we like to give you 24 hours to mull it over, I was like I don't need 24 hours. Then she was like well paying for it now won't get you in any sooner, and I said I didn't care. I'd saved it up and I wanted it gone so I didn't have to worry about it. She goes to me, oh you're keen as mustard!! I was like yes I am! I have to say I was extremely deflated when I was told the EARLIEST I could get in was the 3rd of November as I'd been told on the phone September and sort of had my heart set on it, you know. Anyway, atleast it's happening and I can count down to it. I've never wished away time so badly before!! Hopefully this year fly's by! 9 months is quite a wait!
So heres to the 3rd of November and the life changes it brings with it, the good and the bad! Can't wait!
Peace, love & latte's,
Today has been a great day. I needed one since lately I've been so annoyingly whingey! I started off by helping my mum wash her car and shake my arse to a few tunes on my ipod while I did so. Praise the day my bum and guts won't wobble so much ay! Then I went out to lunch with one of my good friends Jazzy. She's so lovely. Then we drove around and did some rubberneckin' at some houses because her and her husband are saving up to build a house. We had a good sticky beak at the good, the bad and the ugly. Seriously, the colourbond federation green roof... is soooo last century!! Ew! Haha it was fun though, we got to have a good chin wag.
I annoy myself so much you know. If you knew me and I told you I was shy, you'd laugh in my face. On an ordinary day I am this bubbly, loud, outrageous spastic of a person but when a guy is involved I'm SHY as they come. I get nervous and talk really fast, I blush and the thought of even talking to them gives me serious nerves. Now I used to be a tomboy and was the ring leader of all the boys in my street when I was younger then when I got into highschool that all changed. I got shy and weird, then I did childcare and didn't really ever meet any guys (not even friends) and so I've been really out of touch with it all. So now that I actually like someone it's abit like, oh shit. What am I supposed to do? I flit between maybe I should just let it go, it's so much more hassle than I'm used to and wanting to just get his phone number and confess my liking of him! The fear of rejection because of the way I see myself is what scares me the most I suppose. I just see myself as this fat, ugly person who no one could love. I'm scared that when I get skinny I will either still think I am fat or think I am unworthy of someone's love for another reason. I hope not. I hope I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin.
So my mum told my secret to my friend F, who is very nice and told me she told him. She reckons it was accidentally. Yeah right haha it's okay, I planned on him knowing anyway. So the list of people who know is growing. My big sister still doesn't know, I really do have to tell her though. She's going to want to know why we are going to Perth this weekend. *sigh* Heres hoping she is understanding. I've saved up all the money I need and I'm planning on paying for my op at my appointment. Hopefully I can, otherwise it will go on the cruise me and my mum are going to do at Christmas.
Tonight after work, I went to the house F is house sitting and it's a fair few kms out of town. So driving down this dark eerie street in the middle of the boonies, a little Peter Rabbit jumped out in front of me and I.... I... accidentally killed him It's only the second thing I've ever killed with the car. *cries* the first time I killed a bird who was crossing the road with what I believe was it's mate for life. I killed it's precious mate! Feathers went everywhere, oh god it was awful!
I screamed as he went thump hahaha so not cool.
Anyways, this was a pretty useless blog, nothing overly exciting or helpful to anyone, it's just about lil ol' me and my random life. 3 days until my consult. Oh gosh! So.Freaking.Excited!! I guess I better get onto writing him some questions hey! I hope my mum behaves herself when we go in!
Alright kids, time for me to adios! Nice blabbing for ya!
Peace, Love & The Beautiful Starry Sky,
I'm so over summer. Seriously. 3 consecutive summers sucks donkey balls, not even joking. I'm sick of being a sweaty mess, I can't even straighten my hair or wear make up. I feel like the biggest frump hey!!
So interestingly enough, I was reading through a post and one of the lovely ladies commented on the reasons she was sick of being fat and one that cropped up and made me think was a sweating issue. Now, when I went to the gym, what seems like many moons ago now, my trainer told me that sweating has nothing to do with fat or thin but just individuals. This made sense, until, I swear, the fatter I get the more I am sweating! I don't know if it's the weather or if I am actually sweating more than I ever have in my life. What do you reckon?? I'm the fattest I've ever been! It's pretty gross. Sorry if this is like too much info haha! I'm just sayin!
So now to a serious issue. My name is Toni and I'm addicted to sugar
I'm addicted to sugar. All I want to eat is sugar. I have been told this is a side effect of insulin resistance but who knows. I haven't been watching what I eat, at all, or taking my medication. And looking down, I can tell that I'm getting fatter. My gut is bigger. Ew. I just don't know what to do with myself in the mean time of getting my band. I don't want to get bigger but I don't seem to be able to stop. *sigh* such is my life. Woe is me, blah blah blah haha.
I'm so excited about getting lap banded. I read everyones stories all the time and I wonder what I will and won't be able to eat. I'm extremely bad at just chucking food down my gullet, I don't know how I'm going to go with the chew, chew, chew rule. The two things that scare me the most are having a PB and the pain after the surgery. Working in childcare I'm used to the ole gastro bug and I must say I prefer puking over crapping but a PB just scares me. I have a seriously twisted way of thinking, I know.
5 days until I meet the man who will change my life forever! I can't wait to meet him!
Anyhoooooooooo time for dinner peeps.
Peace, Love & Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs,
After a stinking hot day it's cooled off and raining. As Homer Simpson would say Praise Jebus!!!
Gosh, today was interesting. It started out pretty bad. Let's take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? The sun was shining the birds were singing and the heat was rising. 8am and 30 degrees. YUCK! First off the dog pulled my favourite outfit off the clothes line. I was a sweaty mess and I had to go out in it. Ew! So my first stop was Tafe. I had to pay some money off my fees and actually meet my lecturer. She seems very nice. Well, until she tells me that basicly I'm doing the course to 'better' my already existing industry experience. In reply to this, I said that the whole point of my studying something "different" was to do something "different' you know, change industries! So I've paid out money and now I'm seriously doubting whether this is really for me or not. I'm not quite sure what to do!! Anyhoo moving on to Woolworths. So here in my town we have quite a spread out shopping district and my family likes to shop at Woolies. Theres a free parking car park and then the dreaded paid parking. So each time I venture anywhere where parking is needed I say my little prayer (and it works like a charm) " Thank you Lord for the car park I am about to recieve". If I'm feeling particularly lucky, I will add in " near the door or with shade" haha the car park god normally gives me what I want because I am a curteous driver! Well I reckon it's good driver Karma anyway.
So I spy a park and go for it. It's nice and shady and not far from the door. Awesome. I creep in. No go, so I reverse and go again. I'm in and then realise the camper van parked next to me is over my white line. Nice! So I go in do my thang and while I'm walking around am having visions of smashing my mums car on the pacariously parked camper van or the large pole that stops the shopping trolleys from spilling out all over the place. Shit! So I come outside, get in, bust open my strawberry licorice, throw a piece in my mouth, savour the orgasmic flavour that I love so much and bung it into reverse and... I'm stuck. Haha freaking out, stuck. I scream a very loud F@*$!!!! and put the car in neutral and sit in the air con thinking of the best way to get out. Meanwhile I am also stewing on the fact that some STUPID PERSON left their car parked like that when it would have been so EASY to straighten up!
I can see in my mirror the pole and it's very far from the back of the car but I can't tell at the front. Normally, if it were my car I would have been happy to risk it but I wasn't, not in my mums, not after having just thought about smashing it while walking around the shop. So I turn the car off, ring my mum and shove more licorice into my gob. She gets my friend F to come and save me, or atleast guide me out (at this stage, severe embarrassment that I am 'stuck' and need help getting out!!) so asking a stranger was a no go zone. I wasn't even willing to ask the scary looking trolley boy who chose my possie to have his cigarette in. Ew. It was just all kinds of bad!
So what I should put in here at this stage and I'm pretty sure I've already covered this in a previous post but I get severe road rage and when someone does something stupid I will sometimes pull them up on it. So one time someone parked so close to my door that I couldn't even get in the drivers side, infact I couldn't walk between the two cars and because I am tall and my mum owns a Mazda 2 crawling through the car wasn't a pleasant idea. Thank goodness for friend F once again!! Anyway this one person got a lovely hand written note under their windscreen wiper. Signed with a very appropriate "Merry F@$king Christmas". So today I felt like I was doing the world a favour by leaving the camper van stupid head a nice little note too. So after a fabulous morning, a rescue and a frozen fanta float all was as right in the world as it was going to be.
Later in the day I played Donkey Kong Country on WII with F and we sucked BIG TIME at it haha we got to stage two before throwing in the towel and deciding to watch Super Nanny! Ha.
Today I also recieved a reminder SMS from my surgeons office. My appointment is next Thursday and my mum and I are spending a few nights in Perth for it with one of our great friends. Can't wait. She's a bandit so I'm looking forward to talking everything over with her!! Yay! Excited. I'll also get to go shopping. I might get something nice to wear to impress "love interest", J, even though for 3 days of his 7 home, I'll be away. BUMMER! Hopefully I'll actually get to see him properly this break! *fingers crossed for me guys*
Anyway, I'm feeling absolutely massive and am now back to my post america weight of HUGE, so I'm not sure what's going to be done about it. I'll have an 8 month or so wait for my band so what to do in the mean time? Diet and be crazy or let myself go and put on extra weight? I've decided I'm going to join a gym about 3 months before surgery, to try and minimise the "loose skin factor", but maybe I'll join sooner rather than later. I want to be trim, taught and terrific by the end of this!
So excitement is building that I will finally be on my way to skinny.
Finally. OH to be SKINNY! Sha la la la la!
Peace, Love & Strawberry Flavoured Licorice,
well, today was, for lack of a better word just shit. UGH! Life's mood changes so quickly and easily and it's really driving me nuts! I made another blog somewhere else but I can't be bothered writing in that one, I don't remember my user name or password so this is it, this is my one and only blog. So it's not always going to be band related and you might end up knowing more about me than you perhaps wanted to but this is me and I'm here to stay because I find this, if nothing else very theraputic. I'm sure some of you can understand what I am saying.
Work was not good. We were told that the Child Care Licensing Unit was in town - no big deal, we're above board. I then realise one of my crucial documents is out of date. So I need to have my lunch break early and race around like a headless chook on fire to remedy the problem. I have 90 points of ID and my expired document as proof of who I am - no bending the rules. I need 100 points. I really wanted to serve a big cup of f*$k you to the lady serving me. All my ID has my real full name, had my drivers license, a learners permit, two bank cards, a medicare card AND the expired photo ID. If it wasn't me, how did I get one in the first place?? I'm in my work uniform, clearly I'm on my lunch break but no, would she budge for those mere 10 points. No way. *expletetive*
So off I race home, atleast I got to make a nutella sammich and that quelled my intense rage for oh I dunno, the 5 seconds it took me to shove it down my gullet. So then I get back to the blasted post office and she takes forever. So we have to take a photo. Any big person knows that taking a photo from above or no lower than straight on ensures that ones double chin is not going to ruin a photo, well a PYGMY took my photo, thus meaning that she was well and truly taking my photo from a upwards angle!! You should see my photo. Oh my god. Kill me now! It's f*$@ing disgusting. I'm not joking. I said to her, oh that's disgusting and she goes *get this* " it's okay, it does have to look like you after all" *devestation* what a BITCH! I am so pissed off at this point I want to go home and not go back to work. I tell my boss and she's like I don't care about your photo as long as you have it, fair enough I think BUT let's appreciate the fact that I look terrible and I want to smash something please. Anyway I look forward to them shelling out $50 when I no longer look like the fatso in the picture anymore. Suck on that!
Fast forward to 2pm, two of my noisey kids wake up and squeal and play and be loud and wake the other 13 kids up. Thank you to those two cherubs *said with clenched teeth* So I go to see my boss for something and see a bottle of wine sitting on the desk. Well if you know anything about childcare regulations you will know that alcohol is not allowed on the premises AT ALL! It wasn't brought there by anyone who works there, it was delivered with our office supplies, the company must give wine to good customers. Anyway I say to my boss " you better hide that seeing as licensing is in town, we'd get into a bit of trouble" and she says " Not as much trouble as we'd have been in with your expired document" *dumb founded* completely inappropriate thing to say infront of other staff member who pisses me off to no end, also she had said earlier it was as much their fault as mine as they hadn't rechecked my expiry dates because I had left and then come back. So I walk off utterly pissed off and hurt by what she had said. Then she comes in and says sorry and gives me a hug. It doesn't quite cut it. Damage is done.
So that upset me for the rest of the day. I'm still upset about it now. I know I should just get over it but it really annoyed me. I'm pretty much just in a foul mood and I looked at the date and figured out why. I'm due for aunty flo to visit in about a week and this is the time when I hate myself, feel completely miserable and want to slit my wrists. I never used to be this way when approaching my womanly time of month but I get like this every time now. I hope it goes away when I lose weight and my hormone levels are back to what one would call "normal". It's really awful to feel this way. I'm not myself and I hate it. Bubbly Cub is gone and hormonal awful Cub is here in her place. Beware!
Did anything good happen today? I'm still alive, healthy and have a roof over my head. It's not all bad I guess. Heres hoping that tomorrow is a better day! I already know it's going to be busy and stressful - I'm trying not think about that bit. So heres hoping despite being busy and stressful it's atleast pleasant!
Right, enough of my whinging, it's becoming abit of trend that I'm not liking! I hope all you peeps out there are doing well and are in a happier place!
Peace, Love & Banana Bread,
Life is back to it's normal cruising along self, with everything bad happening in Australia (& the rest of the world) lately, I'd like to take the time to reflect and realise how much I am blessed with! I'm such a blessed person, I have everything I need and want and the worst that has ever happened to me hasn't been that bad, in the scheme of things. I appreciate my life, what I have and the people I have in my life.
Today has been a big day of disclosure for me, I told our housemate, my middle sister and one of my good friend about my decision to get lap banding. They were all very positive about it. I am so scared of telling my big sister as I really don't think she will understand but my mum says I might be pleasantly surprised. I'm not so sure. Should I wait and tell her in person or over the phone? Decisions, decisions!
She's very protective of me (I'm the baybeh!) but I also know she will want me to be happy and not live my life half heartedly. Maybe I'll tell her this week sometime!
I had an extremely late night last night, I was up looking for and testing music for a rest time CD I'm making for my little 2 year old cherubs to go to sleep to. I'm so proud of it! It's got the best mix of music, the girls I work with are going to LOVE it! Eeeeekkkk!! I love making people happy And on tuesday I'll be able to snuggle in and put the kids to sleep listening to it too. Love, love, love! Ahhh the simple things in life eh!
Today I went to Dome to have coffee and cake with my good friend B. She's so great! The poor girl had to listen to me gush all afternoon about a certain beautiful man! Poor girl, I kept saying to her, seriously if I'm getting to be too much, tell me!!! I feel like a bad friend and she said no no, keep going, this time is such a novelty and you should enjoy it so I'm not going to be bitchy and tell you to stop! Aww bless her lovely soul!! I ended up having the most MASSIVE piece of apple pie *froth* and it was literally to die for. Oh my goodness! The pastry! Kill me now! Haha It was sooooooo good. Ice cream and cream, doubly devilish I was today! Naughty naughty!! Today has been a day for just eating crap though, don't ya hate that! Socialising is sooo food involved! When I went to counselling the only helpful thing my lady said was that food is a drug like heroin, only it's everywhere and a fundamental thing to our survival so it's not something we can just live without. Huge battle!!
I've been obsessed with music for the last few days. I haven't listened to it properly in a while and it shows. I've been on my lap top for days with my earphones just nodding my head and getting my 'fix'. Yum. It's so good! I found new music that sounds like MGMT but a Kiwi band called The Naked And Famous. *froth* best songs! They are probably so old but I only just found them when I topped up my itunes. Me and music, yeah we're best mates that haven't seen each other for a while!
Anyways, currently my food weakness is two things. Nutella on white bread and frozen coke/raspberry fanta floats from Maccas. I don't eat much take away but my friend F does and he always swings by for a sesh on our front porch and brings my Meemah a latte and me a 'floke or flanta' as we call them hehehe muchness badness. I'm going to be so much bigger by the time I get my lap band, but I'm in such a free place it's so nice for once not to be worried about what's going in and I know that's bad but I just needed this time so much. It's so good to not be constantly obsessing over how much I weigh or how much weight I haven't lost even though I've been dieting like a demon!
So that's where I'm at. Content. We must always appreciate times like this for life can change in an instant. Today I am happy, tomorrow I could be devestated. We never know!
Love, Peace & Apple Pies with Epic Yummyness and to die for qualities!
I'm soooooooooooooo freaking tired. My back is aching from chunky little 2 year olds wanting cuddles and having to hoist them up onto the change table! I wouldn't swap it for the world though. The kids really made my day today. We had a water play day and I brought them all in a swimming nappy and borrowed our friends irrigation pond (which actually looks like a little kiddy pool but is the perfect size and depth) anyway, you should have seen their faces. They all jumped up and down and screamed, they were so excited! It was so awesome. They were just so happy they all had a ball. They went abit feral at lunch time but at rest time they were all out cold within 15 minutes. Bless their little cotton socks! So today was a pretty good day at work with my little cherubs!
I can't believe how quickly time is going already. It's amazing! We're into Feb already! It won't be long until it's my birthday. Not sure what I'm going to do for it yet. I hope it's a good one. I've had a fair few shitty birthdays in my life time AND this one is pretty big, you know 25, quarter of a century! Eeeeek! What to do, what to do. I've got a 40th and a 21st in the space of a few weeks so busy busy!
I'm so going to fall into bed and not move tonight, I'm so wrecked! UGH! Haven't been like this is a while! Mind you I haven't worked a full on week in a while either.
Anyways I better go, I've started just dribbling crap so I'll stop and let you go back to your much more interesting-er lives hahaa!
Love & Fresh mangoes from the tree,
... and get over it. I'm feeling much better now! I gave myself a lecture for two reasons, one I don't know how much I can trust either of the girls. two I need the money so i wouldn't want to cut my nose off to spite my face SO. It's pulling up of big girl pants and getting on with the job!
So a couple of strange things have happened to me in the last couple of days! I had an allergic reaction yesterday, it was quite funny really. I came home for my lunch and it was left overs from the night before which was a pre-marinated steak (from the supermarket) and green beans and as I was driving back to work the little dent between my chin and my bottom lip felt funny, a little dry or itchy or something. Just irritated basicly. Then I got to work and my friend goes to me " what have you been sucking on???" and I cracked up and said probably not what you're thinking of! And she's like no, your lip is purple! So I had these weird coloured lips and so I went and asked my boss and she pointed out that my lip was also swollen! My first well, my second ever allergic reaction!! It's my first lip swollen-ness! Not sure what to think as I had the steak the night before and nothing came of it. So yeah, strange!
Also the other night my friend cheekily messaged me and told me her brother in law was coming over for dinner and I should pop round for a cuppa. So I did. Hahaha it wasn't ground breaking or anything, he's such a guy, he watched tv with his brother - very boring haha but ahhh I'd like to know what she has said if she's said anything as I can't imagine she'd be able to keep her mouth shut! I'm pretty sure she said something to one of my bosses as she asked me strange questions about him specificly yesterday so I was ready to kill her (my friend), lucky she had the day off. She won't be so lucky today, I can tell you!!! Haha again, me and beetroot, could be twins!
So I'm writing all this thinking, you are a freak, no one on here cares about this stuff and hello how dumb do I sound talking about this guy on here, I don't know why I'm doing it. I suppose it's just been so long since I liked someone really, so it's all abit different! Anyway I'm pretty sure he goes back out to the mines today, probably won't see him again for ages. Boo.
So I'm off to get ready for another busy day. 15 toddlers, toileting, fighting, playing, singing, crying... busy, busy, busy! I do love their cuddles though! So cute! I think life took me down this road to prepare me for having children, which I only just figured out! I didn't know I'd be so good at it!
Anyway, I'm really going this time! I'm going to eat white bread and nutella. *froth*
Peace, Love and Nutella,
I'm pretty much having the shittiest two weeks ever!! Seriously! Oh I feel like such a goddamn whinger but seriously! I just want to scream and have a cry and get it out of my system!
Why is it that people are so selfish. I'm not one to usually 'toot my own horn' but when it comes to me, I'm an extremely LOYAL person. Like if you're my friend, I'll do anything for you. I'll walk over hot coals for you or broken glass or whatever. So the first job I ever had was when I was fresh out of Tafe with my Diploma of Children's Services. I was the first one to get a job in my class and I got the best job in my class. I got to work at an amazing centre where I developed strong relationships and an extreme sense of loyalty to my employers. I even gave them 8 months notice before I left them to go to America.
So recently as I would have blogged earlier, I went in there to get my job back as it was left open to me for 1 year. That one year mark will be mid April and when I spoke to my boss she offered me a different alternative of being a float around the centre helping and covering shifts for other qualifieds when they were away or having rostered days off. This suited me as I will be doing a hard core tafe course and working another job also. SO I was quite happy however, my boss was VERY hesitant to give me my job back and was very pushy over becoming the float. So anyway, I find out today that the girl who took my job over was called into my bosses office and she was told they wanted to keep her and don't want to lose her and would prefer her in the room and I was absolutely devestated. I am the kind of person who is "rule" orientated (hence interest in wanting to be a cop and do occ health and safety) I've always been this way, don't know where I come from haha but I do the right thing. I am SO good at being a child carer, but this girl who has no thought for rules, is extremely messy and rocks up to work late every day and alot of the time hung over has these people under her spell. I don't effing get it! She sits on the couch at work and sleeps? Umm... I have NEVER done that! EVER! UGHHH I want to scream! I want to shake my bosses and say what the hell happened to you guys? where did your standards go???
This is just a snippet of what happens to me, I'm one of those people who puts the effort in and gets nothing back, I'm the person who'd do anything for her friends but no one does anything for me. it sucks.
S-i-c-k of it!
Oh I also have serious road rage, like quite severe. I've followed someone home once to give them a piece of my mind hahaha (he was driving dangerously infront of me and actually spun out and hit a pole and uprooted it.) anyway needless to say, today was one of the WORST road rage days I've had in AGES! Firstly this guy is driving along and just stops infront of me no indication nothing. Just sits there, then I floor it and go passed him and starts moving again, I'm like DUDE! WHAT THE HELL!?? If that wasn't enough I was just about at work when this other idiot reverses out of a driveway on a corner and SITS in the MIDDLE of the road. For ages. I'm like UHHHHH HELLO!!!! So here I am already in a bad mood, I get to work and the other people have parked like shit and my car doesn't fit anywhere however theres a space that is only just too small for my car to fit in... WTF?!
THEN I'm driving home and a semi trailor goes to pull out in front of me. Yes, MR. Semi Trailor I felt like I might like to die in a car accident today, NOT! Watch what your doing, JERK! Hahaha far out?!
Today was not my day. I even had to deal with the embarrassment that my friend told my other friend that I'm interested in her brother in law. Oh god! My face and beetroots? Same colour! UGHHH!
On a brighter note, my friend went to the doctor today and he will give her a referal to get lap banding done if she passes some diabetic test. Love that this could happen for her and change her life. Bless her! I've got my fingers crossed
So it's not all bad news and whinging. I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment and wanted to vent.
May we all have a good day tomorrow!
My blog just won't stick! I've been trying to write for days now and I never post them because they are either going to upset someone or I just haven't worded what I'm feeling right. GAHHHH!! It's horrendous.
Huge storm yesterday, it was awesome, except for the power black out for 8 hours and having to go to work with no computers or air conditioning or lights. Meh. Pretty much one of the worst days of my life except for the fact that one of my dreams came true. (No power, freezer not working, ice creams melting = me getting to eat them and not pay for them and ahhhhh heaven!)
So anyway this will be short and sweet. I'm committed 100% to getting this lap band and making it work for me. After reading stories of people not succeeding, I am taking that away with me as more incentive. I will make this work, even if I have to fix my head as well. I'm not doing this and then not giving it 110%, if I don't ,the only person I'm hurting is myself and I'm sick of myself hurting. So 110% it is. No matter what I have to do! No matter what I have to give up! I will do this!!
Over & Out!
I just wanted to do a teeny tiny update - I realise I've already done one but I just had to say, I have the BEST mum! So today I made my consult appointment for Feb 17th and my mum is going to drive the 5 hours to the city with me so I can have my consult love my mum! It's made me so much more excited because I was abit worried I guess I can say she's supporting me 100%
Happy, happy, happy
Well, the time finally came for my GP appointment and it was great. I'm so glad she knew my previous history because she said to me, you've tried everything else and I think this will be really good for you! It's affecting your personality and you need to get out there so we can marry you off (she's very keen for me to find a man and be happy ) So she wrote my referal and sent me on my merry way.
I came home and rang Dr Dolan's office and made my appointment. The lady on the phone was absolutely lovely and so I'm pretty happy to finally be having my consult. She said I'll probably be booked in for surgery in September (I wish it could be earlier ) but I guess all good things come to those who wait!
I can't wait for this, I really can't. I just can't wait for my new body. I'm going to take so many pictures so I can use them as a tool to appreciate my new body like someone else suggested on this site. I lost 20kgs a few years ago and I can still remember how amazing it felt. I can't wait to feel that way and to be able to appreciate it!
I'm going to hope and wish with all my might that there is a cancellation and I can get in sooner but I'll be just as happy with September! Atleast it's happening!
I'm so excited
Today was a fantastic day! A little humid for my liking but sunny and lovely! Where I live there is the most beautiful ocean and foreshore with cafes, shopping, a water park and a broadwalk that even has exercise equipment here and there for that extra oomph work out! It's awesome!
So today I went with two of my very good friends to one of the local cafes, amazing place right on the beach. We had wedges with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce, they had some bruschetta, then we pigged out on our lunch and THEN me and one of my friends had dessert and she even went as far as having an iced chocolate! So our "skinny" friend commented on how much we could eat and me and my other friend looked at each other, smiled and said we didn't get this way by eating like you!! It was funny because we certainly didn't eat the amount that I suppose would be considered normal.
At that point in time I realised how drasticly my life is going to change and I'm not scared, not one bit. I know there will be things I can't have anymore like hot chips or that in a social situation I might have a PB but I am so ready for this. So ready for the journey, so ready to leave my fat induced misery behind me!!
I didn't go ahead and tell both of my friends that I am getting lap banding, only the one who I knew would understand. She's known me for a long time and she knows what I've tried and she said to me, I feel like you've been on a diet the whole time I've known you. And so she expressed how great she thought it was and said she was behind me 100%! I was so thrilled that someone was cheering me on you know! It was nice to have such a supportive person saying these things to me. I didn't need to justify my reasons, she just said good on ya! And she even went as far as saying she knows it will work for me *excitement* I love her. Great mate!
So today was a great day and I am now even more excited than ever! Only 1 more day until I see my GP. I cannot wait to see that surgeon and get my date! I know I've said it soo many times but it doesn't get old to me! I can't wait to get my band!!
Last night, I got electrocuted! I know!
So we have a nice little porch with a nice little outdoor setting on it and it's where we entertain ourselves and our guests, it's nice to sit out there, watch the sunset and have a cuppa. So anyway, back before Christmas our next door neighbours wanted to brighten up our porch so while we were out they hung these pretty Christmas lights from the roof! *insert christmas carols*
Now lets fast forward to last night; we'd all had our cuppa and were about to head to bed and I went to open our front flyscreen door and I grabbed the handle and felt a funny sensation and let go. I jumped back a little bit because I thought it felt abit like something had fallen on me (severe arachnophobia - to the point of dry reaching, crazy spider dance, shudders etc) So I go to open the door again and realise the sensation is actually going through my arm upto my elbow and it's actually the door hitting one of the broken light bulbs onto exposed wires and I'm being mildly ELECTROCUTED!!!! Hahahaaha!! Not your ordinary cuppa on the porch!
Today I'm working at my old work (daycare centre) and I was thinking about how nice it will be when I've lost weight to run around with the kids and not get really puffed out or be uncomfortable with my jiggly wiggly fat wobbling around when I'm trying to run and jump with the kids!! Yes, a nice day that will be. Or to sit on the floor without my spare tyre encircling me!!
The more I think about this lap banding the more I am convinced that it is going to work for me. After trying every diet imaginable ( I always pair diet with exercise) I can't wait to see the fat melt off me because I know that results are going to encourage me and I will lose this weight. I don't for a second think that I won't have the dreaded head battle but I'm going to do my best not to eat bad things!! I'm going to come up with some strategies to beat it. I know I will eventually give in but hopefully I can be kind to myself and not allow guilt to consume me, after all if I am being good MOST of the time surely, I can be bad SOME of the time
So anyway, I'm just excited, 3 days until GP.
I can't wait to be a BANDIT!!
(I often just dribble but people keep commenting on my blogs so I'ma keep writing them )