It's been a long long time since I've come on the website. Update is that I've coasted over the past 18 months. I've dropped the ball, so to speak. I think I knew it, but kept saying..... On Monday I'll restart my exercise and healthier eating. I can't tell you how many Monday's were great....but lead to nothing Tuesday's that continued until the next time I realised I was slipping.
It's so so hard! I was banded jan 2012 sleeved sep 2012 reached goal weight oct 2013. I thought I would loose the weight, and with my new eating habits/work out habits I would beat the battle for life. Sadly that hasn't been the case. I find myself at mid March 2015, really giving myself the kick in the pants I've needed for 18 months.
9 kilos heavier then my lowest weight. I refuse to allow it to be 10! So today I went back to my half hour treadmill and chucked in half an hour of yoga. I Know others may say omg 9 kilos that's (small/huge) I think it's more about realising I'm heading bAck down a slippery slope, one I have been down and I refuse to walk again.
So here I am, back checking up on everyone else's journeys, and trying to motivate myself and draw inspiration from you lovely people again.
Let's hope I can turn it around and get back on track.
Hubby and I went on our dream vacation just after New Years. We spent a couple of days in Sydney with family before leaving the kids and heading to Hawaii. All my life I have wanted to go, and the week we spent there was one of the most amazing experiences ever! Being born there and hearing so much about places, hubby and I toured around Oahu as much as we could, spending most of our time in downtown Waikiki. We loved every minute and now we are home, I'm dreaming of the next voyage. . No seat belt extenders, no weight gain (1kilo fluctuation, but that's normal for me). We ate what we wanted, and ate out a lot, and in general had a ball. Love my sleeve, my hubby, and the choice to kick the weight in the butt. Loving life!
Dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe Honolulu
At the half way point walking to the top of diamond head crater.
View from the roof top pool at our hotel
SO.... Christmas is only weeks away now instead of months, and soon we will be counting in days instead of weeks....eepers I love the silly season!!! But even more exciting, and the reason for my count down, Jan 2 we fly to Sydney and get to spend fun time with my mum and brother, sister and the kiddies before flying to Hawaii (only me and the hubby) bwahhahaha Im going to miss my babies like crazy, but have waited a lifetime to go, and the week is not going to be enough to see everything, but it will have to last me a lifetime. I'm so super excited!!!
My weight is stable at 70-71 kilos and hasn't moved for the past 2-3 months (since surgery), my doc has told me that come January he wants to talk about booking in the upper body lift, and as far as things go, once our holiday is done, we will talk about doing it. But overall Im really happy with everything. I want the skin gone, but its ok....in time it will go. Its mid blowing almost everything in my wardrobe Is size 8...super doper crazy, and I think I could get used to it hehe.
Hope everyone is having a banging Tuesday Better get back to my sick daughter and dirty house to clean /sigh
So today the doorbell rang, and my 2 yr old and I get excited (its the little things in life that tickle us pink like visitors) and a courier drops us off a parcel. Thinking it would be the package from Dick Smith I have been awaiting I open it without looking at the sender or anything.
I just want to say, Dee you are an angel! I bawled like a baby, the cream was a lovely gesture and so generous but then to put in a care package I was FLOORED!!! I was so so grateful, but the card! The card you sent completely humbled me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Loosing weight has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and at times I feel so alone in my struggle. Just knowing that you are all out there and that you genuinely care makes all the difference.
So, I decided after I calmed down and had a tea, that today I will pay it forward, and I will find something I can do to brighten up the day of someone. Dee I hope you don't mind that I posted this, if you do I will take it down, but today seriously I cannot thank you enough, you inspire me!!
I probably weigh the same as when I was 12 . What a shocking but truthful thought. I have lost more weight than what I currently weigh....another shocking truth.
I've been thinking about the reasons why I never got healthy in my teens or early twentys and the truth was, I wasn't desperate enough then. I used to remember wishing, praying to wake up skinny, or at least normal so I wasn't different. I never stuck to anything (diet/exercise) because it was too hard, and the motivation wasn't enough then. I tried many fads, but like my motivation..... come a couple of days I was back to dreaming of being thin.
Christmas and New Years are just around the corner, and every year my resolution has been the same, lose weight...be happy. Well, no more dreaming wishing or praying for me, this year I finally did it! So next year will be the first year to make a different resolution. So I'm putting my mind to work to come up with something new for 2014.
Saw my surgeon who did the brachioplasty and lower body lift, he was thrilled with my progress. Let me know that there is still surgical swelling to settle for the next 3-4 weeks. I asked him if I had lots of fat left, as he saw what I look like under the skin fat wise, and if I should loose another 5 kilos. His response was, "we all have fat that layers the skin, for visceral fat you don't have enough to lipo so you'll be disappointed and you won't be able to loose fat if you tried. "Any loss from now will be fluid, muscle, or swelling going down. Pretty happy with that. He is still letting me have time to heal before talking about next lot of surgeries, which I'm happy With. See him again in a month. Nice to know I'm doing ok. Only 3 1/2 -4 weeks of these compression garments to go.
On Saturday I went in early morning (7am) for brachioplasty and lower body lift. It took 7 hours, as my surgeon had an assistant otherwise it would have been around 10-12ish hours. Came out at around 4ish, was apparently very out of it (according to hubby) that night. Sunday I had all the drips come out and strong painkillers minimized. Started going to the bathroom on my own Monday/sunday night and doing a few laps of the ward. Drains taken out and home bound around 5pm on Monday night WOOHOO!
The compression garments are stinky and horrible, but that may change tomorrow once I'm actually allowed a full shower and a first wash of them. Over all, not in much pain at all (only taking panadol now), just find that I get a little light headed when I'm not eating much. I think with everything so tight, and with the swelling I just can't fit in much, and I am possibly a little on the anaemic side since having the op.
I haven't really seen too much of what I look like underneath as I am not allowed to take off the compression garments until tomorrow, but Doc has said that I will still need to do an upper bodylift and thigh lift. 5-6 Kilos worth of skin he took from my arms and tummy, butt and hips. But I'm feeling really good and will post pics once I can. It may be a week or so If I decide to wait for the wound dressings to come off.
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and support, it made going in and having the procedure done so much nicer, knowing what to expect. Road to recovery from here on out until the next lot of pain I inflict on myself
So I have done the online self admin stuff....check
Paid the surgeon and done all my consults so no need to see my dr till sat...surgery day....check
Hospital and anaesthetist all in order and ready to go. check
All I need now is my head to stop playing games with me, have I done enough, what if I come out of the op still not how I want... Blah blah!!! My surgeon knows how much of a stressy person I am and has given me sleeping pills so I am at least rested for Saturday, so that's something.
I never thought this would be my issue, I have been in such a good "mind frame" through out most of the time I have been on this weight loss journey, and its now abandoning me now that I am so close to the end. Oh well it is all going forward. I have totally freaked myself out by watching some of the procedures on youtube. But at least I know what to expect and I have complete faith in my doc and sat morning I will be at the hospital bright and early and well rested
Had a mini meltdown taking my before pics, seeing in all its glory my body its super hideous, so not sure if I will post them, if I feel confident enough. I guess I will just get through the next few days and see how I feel. But my biggest issue is the horrible self doubt. The "what if its not good enough, and what if I am still fat once the skin is removed, what will I look like." But I guess I need to just put on my big girl panties and just let it go. Will probably give an update once its all done.
So my little man came through all good, His day after appointment with the eye surgeon was GREAT! It will still be done in stages so stage one was a success! Now that things are back to normal for us for a few days, I thought I would update my blog.
My family flew in on the 19th and we went to the airport to welcome them I was so excited, but worried how the reaction to my weightloss would be. (I am a born worrier and I know they love me regardless, I just can't help but be a stress head) My brother came up and hugged my kids and hubby and missed me completely But it was funny to see that he was still looking for a bigger person and was surprised it was me standing there next to the hubby! YAY!
My sister bought me a whole lot of dresses in size 16 as she thought that would be ultimate goal for me to get down to, and none of them fit. (If anyone here in Perth would like some pretty dresses size 16 and can come pick up they are yours) But it was amazing, we all just had a GREAT time. We hung out a lot and spent so much time letting the kids play, and the adults chat and singstar and whatever we wanted to do.
All of us brothers and sisters went to pick up our oldest sister from the international airport flying back in from manila and she has lost 30 kilos!!! So proud of her, and she has decided to live there and I really can't be anymore pleased, she seems so happy.
We did the cuddly animal farm here in the swan valley, the mad hatters ice creamery, Yahava (coffee tasting and experience) Margaret river chocolate factory. We visited Trigg beach, we hit the malls, and the kiwi shop in Joondalup. We had a beautiful lunch for my birthday at the springs tavern, and I cooked healthyish pizzas and spag bol for everyone so atleast it wasn't so much take out. The kids were stoked to see kangaroos in the wild (from Sydney they don't see much wild life) And I got to have the biggest most beautiful cuddles from my 1 yr old nephew I only met that weekend.
When they went home it was teary but we loved every moment being together and knowing that it could be the last time ALL of us are together made it so much more special. For my birthday mum bought me a Pandora bracelet and my brothers and sisters bought charms to attach that they chose for me, sentimental, beautiful and something I will always remember them by and the weekend. Us kids went out on the town and hit the casino, did some dancing! But overall it was so much fun!
My in laws have taken my 5 yr old for the weekend to give me a break and so that she can have some nonna time. so beautiful the relationship they have with our children.
Have been so blessed and felt so much love. And then on the day they go home to have my son get bumped up the list for his squint surgery was just amazing, so its been stressful, exhausting and so rewarding the last week and a bit. This coming weekend (sat 5th oct) I go in to get some of the skin removed, and I am so happy, I don't have time to stress, I am all prepared and ready. Bring on next sat I say, ohh and GO THE DOCKERS!!!
My family have come and gone and it went so quick! But it was the BEST weekend/birthday I have ever had! Loved every moment. The day after everyone left I had a phone call from PMH (Princess Margaret Hospital) the childrens hospital here in Perth to ask If I can be ready on Thursday (2 days away) for my son to have the muscles on his eyes repaired. So with a bit of shuffling and a tiny amount of stress this morning I head off to the hospital with my little man.
2 Years ago I would have been in tears and stressed out, and never in a million years would I be doing it alone. I would have begged my husband to come with me so I didn't need to do it on my own. BUT I am stronger and more sure of myself and I can do this, without the need of my husband. He has had time off last week for my family and will have a few days after my surgery with me as well(Next weekend), so he really can't take time off and I am ok with that. Such a change, I would have told the hospital before that the timing didn't suit and that I'll keep our place in line rather then take the cancellation, NOT ANYMORE!!!
It's empowering to know that not only have I changed physically but mentally and emotionally I am stronger.
Ok so I had a massive Brain fart. :*( My family arrive tomorrow morning and I had a massive melt down. I'm all alone at home with my little 2yr old bubby, so at least it wasn't witnessed by anyone. I lost it completely, "I haven't done enough! I'm still fat! They will be expecting skinny and see me fat...blah blah" all the hideous things I tell myself.
BUT! I picked myself up, and out of the bathroom where I was criticizing myself to pieces and did something else instead, cleaned and started making lunch. I don't know why I am so horrible to myself, like seriously, if anyone should love me, it should be me right??!??!
I KNOW -
I am good enough, and my family love me no matter what I weigh.
That I have done enough, and my weight is fine.
That they will be happy to see me and that I am not the person I used to be.
So drama over, and hopefully no more meltdowns from me and my stupid brain. I wish this day would rush by already!
My family arrive in 2 days YAY!!!! I'm so excited I feel like I could pee in my pants. Its been ages, well years since we have all been together. So the next 2days will be cleaning frantically and doing sun dances to keep the horrid perth weather at bay.
I also bought a new bikini to take my before shots and after shots for when I have the skin removed. And it should be good to take with me to Hawaii when we go in the new year!!! Woohoo!!!
Feeling very blessed today.
Have a rocking Tuesday everyone.
Ok so I am booked in for a circumferential beltlipectomy and brachioplasty on the 5th of October. Yay so close!!! I am so excited, I am also finding it a lot easier to handle the pain I get at nights with my back knowing that hopefully when the skin is removed then it wont be such an issue. I have 1 more consult with my surgeon on the 1st of October and then its all go from then on. But in 2 1/2 weeks my family will be here to help me celebrate my 30th birthday all the way from Sydney. So some lovely things for me to look forward to at the moment
I'm still gearing up my courage to post what my tummy looks like before surgery, but I'm sure I will get over myself and do it. It will be good to have the photo to look back on so I remember what it looked like. I am also freaking out a little but I am going to book into ella bache and have my first ever brazillian wax before surgery, that way I don't have to worry about itchiness and irritation while my wounds are healing, and my doc told me they would ride really low in the pubic area.
September seems to be a month of fun and games for me
It is exactly a month till my 30th Birthday Yay and my family are all flying to be with me to celebrate this milestone, so can't wait! They fly in on the 17th so I am already counting down, it's less then a month now...woohoo. I am however so worried about how they will view me. I have been overweight my whole adult and teenage years. The last time they saw me I was heavily pregnant and about 150-155 kilos. They all comment on how skinny I look, and I am terrified I will disappoint them.
They have no expectations I know, but my head tells me I haven't done enough, I am still chubby and they will see it. Silly silly brain is not my friend today. BUT my husband tells me that I have changed and they will be proud of me no matter what! So I am trying really hard to ignore my silly thoughts.
SO HAPPY AND EXCITED, it will be around 2 1/2 years since we saw each other all together. And I get to meet my little 1 yr old nephew, and my family get to meet my 2 almost 3 yr old son. Happy times ahead for this crazy mamma!
Yep its that time, when my body is feeling the slight shifts in seasons coming, and is playing up. I have been achy and headaches, sore throat and everything over the past 2 days!!! Arghh!!!! But I'm finding that if I am not so strict on what I eat I actually feel better. Lets hope that while I am trying to feel normal again that the scales don't increase in number too much.
Bring on summer I say, or spring!!!
Last time I went in for a check up with my Dr I explained my dilema with the saggy skin and he seemed sympathetic, but was determined that I should NOT stop loosing until I reach 70 kilos. However he did give me a surgeons name and number to ring to speak about having reconstructive surgery, with the advice to still wait to get to 70. So I went to see the surgeon and found him lovely, very comfortable to deal with (which is good because I had to take my kit off) But he told me that "70 kilos .....Do you think that is a realistic goal? I will be removing atleast 10-15 kilos of excess skin once your surgeries are complete. You would weigh small enough once Im done in my opinion."
Hmmmmm So now I am in a dilemma, I think I feel good now (minus the skin) and really the skin bulges are the only things that make me feel fat still. So I guess Im wondering ....... "WHAT DO I WANT" I have trusted my Dr and I will continue to do so, but now that I have another Dr with a differing opinion I guess I feel that I have the option of choice now. I am planning surgery either Sep or Oct this year and Im trying to figure out......Do I punish myself for the next couple weeks-month to try desperately to loose as much before surgery as possible or ..... Do I take it easy maintain where I am. Come to grips, be happy where I am and go into the surgery resolute with where I am now???
I just don't know what I want.....
I think some soul searching is in order to figure out what it is that I want. Hmmmm heres a thought...... how about a compromise and aim for 75?!??!?
(throws hands in the air!!!)
Yes.....yes I know I am so up and down, just read my blogs to feel my manic moods lol. But today has been a great day! My 5 yr old came up to me this morning all dressed, with hat and shoes, and I asked "where are you going?" In which she replied...... "To the park of course, it's saturday." Then proceeded to look at me like I was the bluntest tool in the shed. So off we popped, three quaters of an hour walk there and the same back, with an hours play time at the park, and barely a moan about it. (we have a closer park but she was determined to go to the bigger one, and I was determined where ever we went we were walking.)
My son fell asleep on the walk home, dozing in the sun in his pram (lucky thing) Mummy got in some exercise and I feel like Im teaching my daughter healthier ways for life. It was also great timing that as we got home so did my darling with lunch.
Then it was play time rolling around in the backyard and cleaning it up a little. It has been great! I know if everyday was amazing I wouldn't appreciate them as much and that is the only reason why bad days are tolerable, because they make great days so much more special.
I don't know about anyone else but I have definately been up and down lately, hopefully with the next couple of weeks and some appointments I have lined up more great days will be in abundance for me!! YAY.
I think I told myself 100 times "If I lost weight, I will feel amazing, look amazing and be AMAZING!" Just shy of 80 kilos lost and I feel I look better, I can do so much more physically and I'm sure that the improvements to my health are numerous.....But it didn't magically change me into Cinderella. I know its just a bit of a down day, and it is probably just pms, but I feel like I look horrible today....absolutely horrible. As I lose more weight the skin is more noticeable. It sounds funny but I can hold out my apron and curtsey if I really wanted to. Things will get better they always do, and we have plans for tonight so I know by the end of the night I will be on cloud 9 but for this moment, I dislike this skin, how I have to tuck it into my clothes....reminds me of that old school song..."do your ears hang low." hehe.
But it is all part of this thing called life, the ups and the downs. I have a feeling that I am going to be over the moon when the skin comes off, and days like this will happen still when I'm done losing weight I know. It can't all be roses and butterflies. I just wished that I could have it gone already.
Alright time to pick myself up, walk the kids to the park and leave my blue mood at the door.
I'm feeling really good today. Had a play date this morning for mummy and the kiddies with Jodie which was lovely. Felt like dressing up and feeling pretty and girly today, so I did! Took some new pics and have been actually looking at them and not feeling like I hate them. So now I'm feeling like I want to sit on my booty and watch a chick flick with my darling and put the kids to bed early Having a great Saturday, hope everyone else is....
Ohh..... and LBA - lisa happy birthday for tomorrow
I was folding the clothes today, and all of mine were either small, medium or 14s! How crazy, when my undies used to look like a circus tent (started out size 26-28 ) not that long ago. I can see how ive changed physically, and its fantastic but i thought once i was "normal weight (size14) i'd be content. But.....its not long till i reach goal, another hmmmm 15-16 kilos. I just wish this tummy skin would be less annoying lol. i wonder what size id be at goal....after the skin removal.
So...I dropped my daughter at school, and then me and my son went for a half hour walk/power walk around the area. There's a big field and it loops back around so was a good solid walk, half an hour worth and feeling good. Its the first time since I started loosing weight that I have actually gone out and exercised in public. I was so scared of being yelled at or have people looking at me like the fat girl that needs to run and not walk. BUT!!! I did it and no one laughed no one even cared, and my son got a good healthy dose of sun and wind.
So, I might make it a weekly thing, I do my exercise at home, but 1 day a week I get out in the public and walk around and feel good.
I'm struggling with the last 15 or so kilos. I feel like they just arent shifting. I know....patience and all that, yup I have been patient. It will happen, its just stalls and plataeus make me irritated. lol. Anyways not long to go now. Hope everyone else is doing really good and feeling fantastic.
So I decided this morning to go and get some trackies as I am freezing my tooshy off so badly. Anyways an hour and a half later, after strolling round the shops having a lovely time shopping and browsing I decided it was time to go home, a quick stop in at our local wollies to get things to make lasagne and then home time.
A couple of months ago, maybe 6ish I met a lady who worked at woolies and she had told me that she used to see me with my family and the kids and feel so worried for me. (When she told me this at first it was a struggle not to be embarrassed or angry) But that she had noticed I've lost alot of weight, how was I doing it?"
I've always been very open about my banding/sleeving and have tried to be honest about my weightloss as things have progressed. But to tell an absolute stranger, I was really unsure. BUT I told her the truth and saw how amazed she was, she has a daughter that struggles with weight issues and she wanted to tell her ASAP that it could be an option for her.
Everytime I see her she congratulates me on how healthy I look each time, and seems genuinely blown away everytime. Since then it has been a little sort of thing we do now, If shes working and she sees me she discretely asks, "how much now super woman?" And I would tell her and she would then high 5 me and tell me Im amazing and a few times she has shared her daughters progress. Although she has not had weightloss surgery.
Today however, she told me in no uncertain terms that if she hadnt watched me slim down she would not recognise me, and that yet again she is blown away with how well Im doing. It just perked me right up. and thinking about it, It does everytime I see her. She reminds me to be proud of myself, somehow I don't seem to pat myself on the back very often.
At one of my daughters friends birthday parties, one of the mums came up and asked me how I am shrinking in weight, again the age old debate to tell or not to tell.....and I thought what the hell, if the school mums judge me then its on them for being shallow and not seeing the big picture and not on me.
So I tentatively told her and she cracked the biggest smile ever! Turns out she was contemplating sleeving, shes around 100kgs and I never would have picked she was asking me for help and advise hoping I had done the same thing. Anyways we spent most of the birthday eagerly chatting quietly in a corner about WLS and all the things I experienced and what to expect and she told me she doesnt know anyone who had it done, and its a huge relief to chat to someone about it. I gave her the website and hope she will use it.
Positive things like this have come from me being open to accept people in my life that I would never have still at 160 kilos. Im finding joy in remembering that my health affects others and that I should be damn proud of myself for doing the big overhaul on myself.
Less then 20 kilos to goal, and I can't wait!!!!
Ok so Jodie and Hubby told me my dr's appointment will be fine, and I knew it would be....I just can't help that anxiety I get before hand. But with that anxiety comes a high everytime I see him, *sigh* talk about drama queen. Anyways, I had my followup appointment with my Dr and it went brilliantly, down to 89 kilos and he is stoked. Only 20 kilos to go!!!! Super happy, i see him in another 3 months.
Yup its been ages since my last blog with not a whole lot to update. I am now currently weighing in at 89 kilos which is crazy!! Trying to deal with being different, I feel so different. Got up and took my daughter to school came home, then mowed and edged the lawns (WTF) so not like me but I came in sweating and still with loads of energy. Everytime I think about what I can do now, that would have horrified me before I smile.
Trying to just keep on doing what I do now all the time, like some kind of exercise a day and not being anal about my food intake, but just keeping track of what I have and being more aware of calories in and out. I have my surgeons appointment on Wednesday and its freaking me out, why I get so nervous is beyond me. I really honestly don't think I could be doing any better then what I am right now, not without depriving myself I feel. And he is always happy with my loses, so I will maybe do another blog after I've been to see him.
So basically, this is life as I know it now, and this way of life is now my lifestyle. Crazy to think that I don't have to wish and dream that I would loose the weight, I'm doing it!!! Hubby and I have bought tickets to spend a week in Hawaii just after new years and I cannot wait!! Goal weight before holidays would be amazing! Only 20 more kilos to go......soon it will be only 19