Have survived the first week of Optifast. Yay! 3kgs down too - woo hoo.
Stuffed up first few days as bought optislim instead of optifast but don't think should make a difference I hope.
Have stuck to it to a 'T'. Except for Thurs night work function. Had 1/2 glass champers, an oyster and small lamb on a stick. Tried to stick to protein as no real veg option that wasn't fried. So did well considering I think.
First few days hard as was feeling really vague and woolly in the head and found it hard to concentrate at work.
This time next week will be banded.
Feeling excited but scared. Scared will fail eventually, but need to focus on achieving goal once and for all. Also guilt that had to get to this point where need to have surgery and something put inside of me. But if I don't then could potentially have worse long term issues, so this is for the best. Just have to keep positive and find as much inspiration so that I don't fall off the bandwagon and keep on keeping on!
Need to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. Never want to be this weight again. So need to keep myself accountable and this blog should ideally serve that purpose!
Day One and the beginning of my renovation / spring clean begins. That is how I described it to the psych at my appt today. Interesting session including a tear.
Started Optifast and gag gag! 2 weeks is going to be a challenge. Had the bar this morning and ate it across b/fast & lunch. Did the pumpkin soup and practically vomitted on first mouthful so chucked it out. Did the cafe shake tonight and gosh it is sickly sweet.
That is my punishment for all the overly indulgent crap I have let pass through my lips.
As depressing as it is that have to resort to WLS, I am hoping can get through this month and be banded and recovered from surgery so can focus on weight loss and dealing with my head issues that need to fix for life so that adopt a healthier way of living.
I truly hope the band will give me the inspiration to get it right this time. I don't want to fail yet again. That is my biggest fear of all. Psych asked me if had any worries / fears and couldn't think of any - guess it was the ketosis haze as am feeling slightly vague. But apart from surgery fear of failing yet again is my biggest fear!
So at 104kgs and feeling my most disgusting and uncomfortable... have a massive job of shifting around 40 kgs!
I hope I can continuously find the inspiration I need here so that I can inspire others and find the motivation to see this journey to the end for the first and last time.
Aim is to never diet again but adopt a healthier way of life, which includes exercise (lord help me!). Anyway one step at a time.
20th August here we come.
Haven't blogged for ages as am always in the threads area but felt I needed to get my thoughts down, mainly to make myself accountable.
Long story short, although have been doing well with weightloss - am now half way. I feel like have been so busy with work and life in general that havent been doing such a good job planning healthy nutritious meals in the past couple of weeks. As a result haven't been eating as well as I should be the past couple of weeks. Ie. go for the easy quick alternatives which usually = carbs and more carbs instead of protein and more veg. Not that am eating massive portions am still sticking to band plate size most times.
I think am just tired, so when juggling crazy life its easy to slip back into bad, easy habits.
Went to see Bond tonight with work colleagues - great btw. But had crap - pizza, chips, popcorn! Where's the nutritious value??? Feeling guilty and just feel need to get it out there so that get back on track rather than start on a vicious sabotaging cycle.
Have an appt next Thurs. Don't really want to have a fill though. I find I can go for half a day with no food and just coffee and that keeps me going to lunch. I do feel more restricted in the morning but by evening not so much. Maybe cause am so stressed and constantly on the go during the day? Or maybe am in green zone? I rarely feel hungry, but still need to use self discipline to stop.
This silly season not helping. Social functions galore. In a way one of the reasons I dont want a fill, as still want the freedom to enjoy myself without having to worry about having a stuck moment, which thankfully havent had as yet.
Anyway I am just hanging for Xmas break so that can have a break from work and spend time with my family and kids and just take time out for myself and reconnect and step off this crazy rat race / ground hog day ... its so exhausting! Probably doesnt help that am not taking my vitamins ... hate taking vitamins ... maybe need to take them again or go get blood tests. Note to self.
All in all am loving my band. Even when indulge / make bad food choices it is evident I still cant eat the volumes I used to. The not starving factor also helps to always try and make better food choices. I love the freedom of not being on a diet and living by the 80:20 philosophy - although this week feels like 20:80 (not good). Am also liking that am not so restricted that can still eat pretty much everything.
I have had a headcold /chest infection for past week (which doesnt help with the lack of motivation / tiredness) and as a result band has felt tighter.
2kgs away from my Xmas goal. Hope can acheive that in spite of this crazy silly season and hoping my vent helps get my thoughts off my chest and puts some perspective back into my journey as well as derail me from potential self sabotage!
On the up side my clothes fit so much better and am back into clothes that havent fit for ages and they are starting to get looser. And I can cross my legs again! Yay! I still look frumpy in the mirror though and have come to the realisation that my tummy wont deflate back to what it was and that is partly due to my stomach overhang and muscles seperating big time after giving birth to the twins! Boobs are deflating and pointing downwards ... clearly breastfeeding didnt help that either. Was such a big thing to convince my hubbie to be banded, am sure it will be another battle if have to convince him to have a tummy tuck / boob lift ... anyway will cross that bridge if / when I get to it!
If you have read this far, thank you. Any words of advise welcome!
I just posted that I am back after being away for a long time. I left because I thought I didn't need the support anymore that all was going swell and then when I pretty much regained it all I felt like a failure.
So now am just over it. Over feeling sorry for myself and over always repeating the same mistakes. On the negative I beat myself up because the amount of times I have actually lost weight I would have literally disintegrated into nothing but on the flip side if I didn't reign myself in, I wouldn't fit into my house!
So I think I need to change my mindset and slowly get back on track and set goals that ups the ante and keeps me motivated. I just need a supportive community that will keep me accountable. Or in the least putting it down in writing here hopefully will keep me on track to meeting goals that aren't just numbers / scale based.
So I am going to start by setting weekly and daily goals.
Log my food every day
Pay attention to portion size
Pay attention to hunger vs emotions
5 small meals per day (i.e. B, L & D and 2 snacks).
Pay attention and be determined at dinner time. Be conscious to reduce portions as this is where I blow it and have salad/veg with dinner and avoid / minimise carbs.
5 days : 3 - 4 days resistance/ weights + cardio:2 x week Boot Camp (paid for, this wk 3 x as didn't use last week) and 2 days Walk Dog (add in jogging) for 45 mins 2 x week.
The Plan: Tues BC, Weds WD, Thurs BC, Fri WD, Sat BC, Sun WD. 10K Steps.
Todays Food Log (thus far):
B: Cada Mix (made in TMX i.e. apple, dates, dess. coconut, almonds, pepitas) + strawberries, blueberries, and coconut chobani yoghurt. Love this - this is my new go to brekkie fave. At least I start the day well! ate at 8am.
S: Skim Cap @ 10am
L: Small bread roll with ricotta and prosciutto @1pm
S: Go Natural Nut Delight Muesli Bar. Start feeling hungry just after 4 which is when I ate this.
D: Baked Salmon and Salad @6.15pm.
Went with kids and dog for walk after dinner and actually felt full.
S: have 2 coconut bliss balls (home made set aside if feel like it).
Just under 10K steps - feel pretty good about day 1.
Alarm didn't go off and woke up at 6.11 instead of 5.40 so missed bootcamp.
Got up anyway and took dog to bay and jogged / walked for 40 mins. Achieved over 10K steps today yay!
B: same as yest.
L: 9 grains toast (2 slices) + ricotta and ham + carrots sticks
S: Chickpea snack
D: Pesto pasta + salad
S: Choc coconut bliss ball.
Achievements: still getting up ato exercise even though missed boot camp, saying no to work cake in the morning (birthday) and afternoon tea!!! Lots of saved calories
Hunger levels. Good. Started feeling hungry on drive home even though had afternoon snack. Didn't really feel hungry after dinner. But having the little healthy treat will hopefully be the thing that helps break the night craving.
What could have done better - perhaps a little less pasta (was probably more than cup in size) and less oil on salad. I think pretty Ok mix of carbs / protein / veg.
#repeat tomorrow! No temptations tomorrow like today. #oneday at a time! #honestyisthebestpolicy. #motivation level = 10.
Log for today
Exercise: 40 mins, walk and light jog: 10,500 steps - TICK
B: Cada Mix special.
S: Sk Cap. Avoided the scones at morning tea meeting!!! Gees so much food at work
L: Sashimi with grilled tuna, sushi and endamame - felt like a treat but healthy
S: Carmens Nut bar
D: Homemade hamburger. I so could have done without the bbq sauce and probably only eaten half the burger bun. So no treat tonight
Goal weight: 73 kgs. My original goal was 68 - although for my height prob should be 64. But haven't been that weight since my 20s and that was my lowest weight. In high school remember being 73kgs and heavy. I just need to not get comfortable in my 80s which is what happens. I hate being in the 90s - feel so heavy esp in my tummy and arms. Just have to be focussed and committed. And not beat myself up if I ate the whole burger and have 'failure thoughts' and well you blew it so go keep blowing it. I easily self sabotage.
So my weaknesses
plain chips plain chips plain chips!!! I can eat a big bag in a sitting - disgusting but seriously like a drug for me. i am better off to not even eat one cause i seriously can't stop. not tempted by other flavour chips as much. I just need to avoid buying or buying for family. I usually try to buy ccs or doritos cause don't like those and won't be tempted.
snacking after dinner
lollies (at work - they so need to get rid of them - but just have to avoid them. It is amazing how much sugary temptations we have at work!!)
I think I did OK today. I think the fact that have really built up my fitness is good. I hate the idea of stopping because i know how painful it is to stop and start again. So feel comfortable to keep that pace and even step it up whilst focus on getting food right and also my thoughts. Really exhausting that beat myself up pretty much every day of my life on my weight. Need to change the inner dialogue. So hoping by writing it down I can get there. Perhaps instead of accepting the self sabotaging voice I just challenge it.
I also have to learn how to deal with when food plans in household change so that can still be healthy. Ie in reality when i found out hubby was making burgers it was like always i give in. I should have said to myself OK have it but have half the bun, hold the cheese and just make a salad on the side. Next time - look its not that bad in comparison to other food choices, but I know this is how I then find myself on the slippery slope of no return. So am hoping by writing all the garbage out of my head I can avoid the slippery slope. Eww the slippery slope. It gives me the chills. I know for now I am so focussed on not getting near the slippery slope. I just need to be accountable by writing and be truthful so that can recognise if am teetering on the slippery slope so that can use my strength to pull myself off. I haven't succeeded ever! This time I will. This time I will. This time I will. Ok am hoping this is like Dorothy tapping her heels 3x saying there is no place like home and she gets there! I just have to fricken do it!