It's coming up on a month since my last blog post and a lot has been happening!
If you read my last post, I was about to go on a weekend away with my girlfriends and I was worried about how my band would tolerate all the different foods I would be eating. Well, I had a fantastic weekend and my band and I were on our best behaviour. No hiccups whatsoever I took things slow and drank A LOT of hot tea.
Since then my band has been generally pretty good. This last week I have found it to be especially finnicky, during the mornings typically. Of late, I've not been able to tolerate even hot drinks until about lunch time. Normally this isn't too much of a problem however, I have just started a course of Roaccutane. For those who don't know what this is, it's a particularly potent immunosuppressant used for the treatment of acne.
I've been struggling with adult acne for the past 3 or so years and finally saw a dermatologist who prescribed Roaccutane. The side effects of this drug are almost endless. I currently take one tablet twice a day and it must be with food otherwise it wont be absorbed properly. This has become a problem as I can't drink, let alone eat in the mornings atm. I feel like this has been stressing me out a little and today I nearly went in for an emergency appt with my surgeon however half an hour ago I managed to drink a little tea so my panic has decreased a little.
I'm not sure whether it's an accumulation of stress about work, uni, acne and lapband but my band isn't loving life lately.
Who else is on struggle street today!?
I'm headed for a short girls weekend away tonight and it will consist of a lot of lovely food places, cheese, fudge, berries etc.
This week I think I had a (sort of) epiphany about my band. I was browsing through the forums on here and someone had linked The 8 Golden Rules of Lapband. I decided to watch them and the diagrams really helped my head understand what my body is going through when I eat food.
I actually look a lot away from it, and this week feel like I have done a much better job of listening to my body, abiding my the 8 Golden Rules and in return, I haven't had too much drama!!
One of the big things for me was accepting that in the morning my band will not tolerate food. So all this week I started with tea and then around lunch time I would try something easy like fish. It seems to have been working well for me. Another rule I like is stop eating after 20 minutes. And the other one is wait a full minute between bites. All of those have been lifesavers for me this week.
So I am nervous and excited to see how my band and I cope this weekend. There will be a lot of temptation!
I have had numerous restriction levels during the 3.5 years I've had my band.
I still remember the day I experienced what restriction felt like for the first time! I had just been to see my surgeon for the second time since the operation and I had gone from 2mls to 4mls. That evening I made a chicken and cheese toasted sandwich, which at 2mls wouldn't have been a problem whatsoever. I took a bite, not even thinking, chewed and swallowed and gulp... What was happening...
When people ask me what I mean when I say 'it won't work' or 'it didn't work' or 'my band didn't like it', I find it really hard to explain to them what it actually feels like. For me, I have 4 different feels when I eat something.
1. No problem, goes down with absolutely zero problem, like I don't even have a band.
2. Feels momentarily uncomfortable: but I know within 30seconds to 1minute it will pass through the band.
3. Uncomfortable verging on a little painful: this will take anywhere between 5-20minutes to pass the band and I know I have to give up.
4. Stuck. Extremely painful, will 100% need to bring the food back up, excessive saliva.
So that day, that I had taken a bite of the sandwich, I was probable at a level 2. But I gave up straight away because that feeling scared me.
Over the years I became more brave/stupid, about pushing limits with my band and what I could eat. It's not uncommon for me, now, to eat something and straight away know it's a number 3, but persevere for up to 2-3 hours to eat, just half of whatever it is. This is when I might have a bite and it takes up to 20 minutes for the discomfort to not actually dissapate, but just decrease in intensity, for me to take another bite. This leads to a couple of hours of feeling uncomfortable and slightly in pain, all for a few mouthfuls of food.
That, is SO, stupid. What I'm doing here is letting my mind win. And simultaneously traumatising my band. It also ruins the rest of my day because I have pushed my limits so far, that any time later that day I try to eat/drink something, it 'doesn't work'.
How do I get my 'newly banded' mindset back where I was so careful of everything I put in my mouth and I was so worried about feeling number 2 that I rarely every experienced number 3 or 4?
Does anyone else have a similar experience, or a 'levels of restriction' scale they acknowledge?
Today I had a rough day. I felt really sad when I went out to the grocery store, I felt fat, ugly, uncomfortable and any glimpse I caught of myself in shop windows didn't reflect the mental image I had of myself.
I don't see myself as a fat person. And I am constantly horrified when I do get a glimpse of myself in a reflection when I'm not expecting it. It's devastating that I was once 78kgs and looked fantastic and felt fantastic and now I am back up to 100kgs, fat, flabby and feeling terrible - both physically and mentally.
Suddenly I just wanted to go home and be alone. I was embarassed to be in public looking so terrible.
I don't often suffer anxiety, in fact, I'm generally a very level person and my emotions don't fluctuate. So today was a bit worriesome for me, feeling all those negative feelings about myself.
I wish losing weight was as easy as it was when I was first banded.
I had a pretty shocking day with food. I actually woke up really struggling. Even drinking a hot drink was quite painful so I thought I was going to be for a bad day to begin with. I gave it a rest for a few hours and then started up with hot drinks again until my stomach had loosened enough to eat some chocolate. YES CHOCOLATE. And I then proceeded to eat a block of cadbury chocolate... a WHOLE block.
After this I pretty much felt like I'd lost all hope so I followed it up with this little tart things, full of sugar.
I now have a terrible sugar withdrawal headache and feel shit.
Who else has these horrendous binge days? I can't be the only one?