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About this blog

Rach's grumblings and mumblings

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Band is out! Holy S@#! this is real :/

Ok so I am 3 days post op and feeling pretty decent pain wise - my dr was right this is nothing like having the band placed I am feeling pretty fine already. Except for the weight gain. I have been all drugged up and sleeping erratically so I have been eating erratically too but I don't know where I am at. The scales have clearly gone up a couple of kgs - part of that would be attributed to my binge eating leading up to the surgery. I am totally unsure what eating normal looks like now. I mean I do realistically but I haven't been eating regaulary breakfast, lunch and dinner so I don't know how much I am over eating or what. I am still craving sweets and junk which has been my biggest failure. I am booked in for the sleeve 27th Jan, and I sort of told myself it was ok if I put on some weight but as long as I don't go over 100kg which I have gone up to already. I am terrified of what I am capable of between now and then. It's like all my willpower has completely evaporated. I imagine just by having e band out and eating more I am likely to gain. Even if I am eating what is considered a normal amount...us WLS people are different I guess. I will talk more to my dr when I see him for a follow up in  weeks, I obviously did not ask enough questions. I am thinking of trying to do lite n easy for some of the time to manage my eating a little. I only want to get 5 days breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am hoping this will help. I can't really afford it but if it is going to help me have a better control on what I am putting in my mouth then it is going to be worth it.

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Countdown to band removal

I posted awhile ago now about making the decision to go from a band to a sleeve. I only had the band placed at the beginning of May, but I am so ready to have it out. When it was working well it felt too tight and even with the tiniest amount out I am hungry all the time. I don't feel I made the right choice. I am so pro weight loss surgery though. I know most people feel as though a bypass is extreme and everyone says don't do it but honestly if I could that is what I want. But my surgeon is going to do the sleeve for me. I am getting the band out 18th Nov, so only a couple of weeks to go. I am really hoping that I have more success with the sleeve - I am really looking forward to eating certain things again - mostly healthy things too. I am absolutely shit scared about the time in between band removal and the sleeve surgery which I am going to push for early Feb. I had lost 18kg (93kg) but I seem to be bouncing back up as I am at 96kg now (15kg lost). And I haven't even had the band removed yet! My whole health at the moment has been really shit. I have basically stopped exercising and have been eating a lot of shit foods (why is it so easy to eat junk?!). So I know exactly why I have put weight back on. It's like I can even get the motivation to try at the moment. I keep trying to work myself up to it but I haven't succeeded, yet!  However, I have recurrent major depression and that has been spiraling the last month or so...I know the impact that has...but I keep trying to push through, and the psychiatrist and I are swapping and adding different medications so we will get there eventually. I remain hopeful, and I probably depend to much on the idea that weight loss surgery is going to be it for me. But inside I know that it is a tool to utilise and you only get out what you put in. As the sleeve surgery gets closer I will need to get as much support as I can to make the most of this opportunity. It works if you work it.  

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Big decision from band to sleeve! Eek

I had the band placed at the start of May, it took me what felt like forever to find my sweet spot but I believe I am there, actually I am definitely there. For the past month or so I have started contemplating living with the band long term, essentially forever. And I can't say I have been feeling all that positive about it. All up so far I have lost about 17kg, which I am stoked about, truly I am, I have gained some confidence back & after what feels like a long time I have been loving shopping and clothes & feeling really good about it (except for my bank balance, which is always depressing after I visit the shops, I may have a bit of a problem). Anyway, I know that down the track, even if it isn't for another 10 years, chances are I will need to replace the band for one reason or another, & thinking along that track I have being limited on the types of foods I can eat. Particularly because I eat a LOT of chicken breast, which is now very hard for me to tolerate. But it is so easy to resort to sliders like ice cream & chocolate which are foods I have always struggled with, binged on, they are my go to foods for sure. After seeing my surgeon I had really already decided that I wanted to change to the sleeve but I gave it time to think it over, question the differences etc. What I would like is the bypass, I realise what seems to be the majority of people consider that this is to extreme when you take into account the long term ramifications and the battle it can be to get optimum nutrition, but my surgeon doesn't do bypass anyway as he also believes they are too extreme or some other such rubbish. So for me to go the bypass I would need to go with another surgeon, which would be fine, but all together I would be out of pocket around 6K, after refund, rebates etc. And my surgeon is willing to remove my band, and go back and do the sleeve for free. He is even going to see if the anaesthetist will do it for no out of pocket. At the most I will pay one hospital excess of $650 because I can't get the sleeve done until 2016 which may class as a new year with Bupa, but I wont know for sure until I check with them. So at the nd of the day, for me, there is really no question. I have booked in to have the band removed on Nov 18th, one day before my sons birthday, he is happy for me to go in then, he said it is a birthday present because having a health mum is a present. He is 11, and not always that sweet but I thought it was lovely. Obviously I have to wait out the 3 month period until I can have the sleeve done. I am shit scared about the 3 month wait. I realise I need to have a lot of willpower over this period because I do not want to regain a bunch of weight. It will likely bring on my depression & zap a bunch of my confidence. But it will be worth it. I understand people getting worried & stressed about surgery but to me it doesn't really worry me at all. I get a little anxious a couple days before, but I don't worry to much about the surgery. I know there are risks but I just hope they don't happen to me, but it's out of my hands no way I can see into the future & check the outcome - what will be will be. I don't know if this makes me brave or stupid. Well this post have been a bit of a ramble because I am tired and just bumbling along so I'll leave it there. Goodnight sweet dreams xx

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Depression

I have been wondering to myself where I might blog about my depression and I know it's not directly related to WLS I figure this is a good a place as any. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and it's something I've suffered with most of my life, I became aware of it about 13 years old when I tried to take my own life. However, it took me a long time before I started to understand is. I mostly have it under control now, I see a psychiatrist, take medication & try to keep doing things that I know can work such as exercise & letting people know when I am struggling. It has taken lot of adjustments & changes to try & get my medication right, & even when we have it right we have regularly had to up the dose because after being on something that works for awhile the effectiveness starts to lessen & my depression starts to rear it's ugly head. One of the things I really struggle with is the lack of understanding of what it's really like. So many people think they know but I think what people often don't understand is even when they think they know what it's like, they don't, not really. People seem to have a lot of misconceptions & others don't even believe it's a 'real' illness. I have found that even though some people in my life have either experienced depression themselves or have seen others go through it - they think they know what it's like for me. What I know is that EVERYONE is different, & everyone experiences depression differently. I hate to make it sound as though my depression is worse than others, I know my own dad was experiencing depression and he has said that the doctor put him on anti depressants for awhile, and after that he was able to come off them & he is fine. I appreciate that no matter what level depression affects a person it is a horrible disease to deal with & I would never try to minimise what someone else has been though or is going though. For me, what I experience is repetitive thoughts wishing for, and fantasising about suicide & self harm. My outlook is bleak and all I want is to isolate & hide away, all the while knowing that I am making myself worse. I question whether I really am experiencing depression and blame myself for being lazy & incompetent. These are just some of the things I experience. I know there are many others out there who go through this but it truly feels as though I am completely alone. There was a time where the other way I dealt with my feeling was to use drugs or food to mask the problem. And drugs were a problem for a long time, it took me a lot to dig myself out of the hole I had created, and where I am today is unbelievable when you consider my past. I have fought tooth & nail to come back from the edge, & I know it is still something I have to fight against. I hope this post isn't too dark for anyone who reads this. I know it is sort of off topic to what this website is about but I really need someone to voice my feelings about my experience & reality. And maybe, just maybe there is someone else out there going through something similar & they will know they are not alone.   Back to my uni work.. Blah!

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Optifast - Ewww

So I have had my band for about 3 & 1/2 months now. I have had reasonable weight loss. 16kgs, & I want to lose approx. another 32kg. My diet can be pretty good however, binge eating is something I have struggled with for many, many years (along with depression & a range of other thing which exacerbate binging) anywho..after 2 days where I binged on chocolate and ice-cream (went to the shops after a cross-fit session & was starving & went a little crazy, of coarse, once I had all the crap in my house I could help but eat it all) I decided a good way to try get the scales to move again would be a 2 week diet. I am not a big fan of diets because overall I think they are bullshit, I believe that healthy eating needs to be a lifestyle thing, but I have to have some balance because sugar is my thing. So optifast is VLCD, its what dr prescribes pre op so 2 weeks should be good, and with the band my hunger is a million times more controllable than in the past so I figured I should be able to get through if I stay focused, Well I made a shake or dinner tonight (no time like the present + tomorrow never comes) and I COULD NOT BELIEVE how absolutely DISGUSTING it tasted!! I do not know how I drank it before but there is NO WAY I can continue to drink them, they are going straight in the bin. I am loathe to spend any money to buy more either, I don't think it's likely I will find any I like. So back to square one to figure out what is going to be a good 2 week kick started...I have started making protein shakes with plenty of healthy added extras but I don't know if I would be getting enough of what my body need to use this as a meal replacement. Well bye for now <3 

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Tomorrow is the big day!

I haven't really been nervous so far and I've been way more excited than anything else. Now that the surgery is tomorrow I am feeling the anxiety creep up. As much as I have researched and read I still don't know exactly what to expect - I mean everyone is different right? I feel a bit like I am going to miss some foods and like I will never be able to eat them again. But that's probably far from the truth... I go into hospital at 12pm. Everything is in order. Tomorrow I will officially be a bander! Here's to nothing!!

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

Optifast day 4

So I am 4 days into Opti and I am on struggle street. I am day dreaming about food and the smell makes me have a food-gasm! I know that it's worth it and it's to make the surgery less risky. I cheated this morning, I woke in the middle of the night and ate rice bubbles, I was so hungry and I was half asleep which didn't help my self-will. I then had a bacon and egg mcmuffin for breakfast. Not good. I started at the gym this week which has been great (if I wasn't so tired!!) I had a PT session that really kicked my ass. I plan to go the next 3 days but rest up the day before surgery. But I wont push as hard as today just trying to get moving. I'm super excited only 5 days out, the weekend will fly by and then it's just two days I paid the last of the money to the surgeon today, I love the receptionist at his practice she is awesome - just really lovely. I am been downloading movies, and tv series to get ready for my recovery at home, I plan on laying down as much as possible until I feel better. Although I am keen to start exercising as soon as possible so will start with easy walking as soon as surgeon says I can. In the last hour I've had an opti shake, and 2 bowl of this cauliflower and cabbage curry and I am still STARVING!!!!! Ahhhh my body wants carbs, I will be strong. Off to the sugar free jelly maybe if I just fill my tummy it will be less hungry :/

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

 

And it all started here

I have been on this journey towards my band for about a year. To begin I needed private cover, although I guess you could say the idea started quite awhile before I did that. I had to google the shit out of it, and ask advice from friends and family (family mostly). I was lucky enough that Dad had been previously banded and was able to encourage me. So the next major step is coming up, I have done all the surgeon search blah, blah, blah. I am booked in with Dr Fadil Khaleal, at Nepean Private for the 6th May! So I have 2 weeks and 4 days to go: And trust me I am well and truly counting down. I am so excited and I wish I could fast forward already...

newb_rach_2015

newb_rach_2015

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