Okay I'm halfway through Optifast and I'm finding it okay so far. It hasn't been the nightmare that I was expecting from hearing other people's comments. I dont mind the chocolate or vanilla shakes my surgeon gave me, I'm not feeling sick or getting headaches, although I do get a bit dizzy when I stand up too quickly. I'm using the toilet enough, plenty of number 1s cuz I'm drinking SO MUCH LIQUID lol. Its like being pregnant all over again. (sorry TMI).
Cravings. Yes I've been having them. But I know I only have them when I'm bored, like in the evenings after I've had my vegetable dinner and my son has gone to bed. They have been easy to ignore because I just dont have any high calorie food in the house. But I must confess to having a tiny lick of the peanut butter on my sons cruskits, or half a baby spoonful of his mashed pumpkin.
Tomorrow I'm checking in with the clinic GP to pay for surgery and weigh in, make sure I'm sticking to Optifast etc. I'm going to ask him about whether or not I can have a "last supper" the night before my surgery, as sort of a celebration for getting through two weeks on shakes and veggies, and maybe have a couple things I might not be able to have post-band, like a bread roll. Now I don't intend to pig out, I'll stick to my small plate, but it would be nice to eat a real meal with my hubby before starting another 2 weeks of just liquids. I'm thinking of a roast dinner I don't think some lamb and vegetables would totally ruin my liver for surgery.
As I mentioned in another post I'm really looking forward to getting this over with and losing the weight, but I'm a little afraid of what it could be like to be "slim". I don't know how to BE a slim person. I've always been the funny, fat girl, the friend but not the girlfriend, and dressed for comfort, not fashion. Obviously being engaged now, I don't have to worry about being the friend anymore But how to dress? As a young mum, I don't feel like I can wear what other 22 year old may be wearing right now. I'd love to be able to wear a miniskirt or some short shorts in summer, but I don't want to look like a tarty mum. But then I also want to feel young and happy and healthy and dress my age. Its a tricky one. I guess only I can make the decision to try and pick clothes that feel comfortable AND look good.
I'm also a little scared of how other people might treat me because I've lost weight. If they treat me with jealousy and disrespect because I've used a band to lose weight, it will piss me off. If they treat me better, then I think I will be annoyed or upset that they couldn't appreciate me for who I was even when I was big. What I get some male attention? Ive never had it before, and I love my fiance with all my heart, but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice if guys thought I was attractive. I'm not looking to meet anybody of course but it would be nice to get hit on occasionally to boost my self-confidence. I just hope my fiance could take it as a compliment to his good taste, and not as a threat.
I guess this whole journey is a bit of an emotional mine-field, and with my surgery date drawing closer, I'm having to deal with my feeling about the future, the possibilities. Maybe I'm worrying that I'll have a bit of an identity crisis. Or maybe I'll just be the healthiest, happiest version of myself that I've ever been. Who knows. I probably should have hunted down a psychologist to discuss these thoughts with, but my surgeon only required a dietician visit and I didnt think I'd need one. I'll keep it in mind post-op if I'm having any difficulties. At least I can put my thoughts into my blog and get it out that way.