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Heart Break City (Beware - It's a long story!!)

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Cub

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Where do I start? I should start by saying that this is not meant as a sob story. This is purely a theraputic thing for myself and if you find while reading it that you don't want to continue, by all means don't. The story is true, not exaggerated and it's for my benefit.

I guess the beginning is how the story should go. When I was concieved I was an unwanted child. My mum didn't want me for the first 8 months of the pregnancy. My dad was cheating on her and my sister was a highly dependant child who whinged ALOT! So out I came and I was a good kid. Slept, ate, shat, slept, ate, shat. You get the idea. I was a perfect child. I've never be smacked by my parents to this day. Despite my father cheating on my mother she stayed with him. She had moved over here from NZ to be with him and I guess she didn't have much of a support network to think that she could leave.

I was born in a mining town, we moved to the country where I grew up on a farm and another very small town. We eventually moved to my home town where I live now and I've lived here for the majority of my life. My dad drove trucks for a living and then became a diesel mechanic/fitter out on the mines. So sometimes he was away from anywhere from 6-4 weeks. And then home for 1 week. It was hard, I didn't know my dad very well, for most of my life he was away at work.

He was/is quite a selfish man. All our money went on what he wanted, new cars, smokes, coke (the drink not the drug haha), new beds for his donga. We built a big beautiful house, my mum used the money she got from the death of her mother for the deposit. So in the year 2000 my dad had a heart attack. It was very scary. It was a hard time but he was home for 6 weeks which was great, except that he was very grumpy and very restless.

A few months later, we found out that he had throat cancer. This was extremely hard to deal with for a 14 year old. My dad had had a heart attack and now he had cancer, wow! Lots of stuff to deal with!! So not long after this, he came home from the mines to tell my mother that he did not want to be married anymore. He swore there was no one else, he just didn't want to be married.

Yeah right. In the weeks later we found out that he was with someone else and he left us to be with her. He left his children, who were scared because their father had cancer and he didn't look back. He came back but only to take the car. My mum struggled on, worked as much as she could to pay the bills but it wasn't enough. He had promised to pay half of the mortgage but he didn't. So we lost our house. My mum had to sell it for a lot less than it was worth. I think she got about $100 from the sale. We think the real estate agent must have felt sorry for her because they put a scratchie in with her paper work. After my dad took the car, we had no car for years. We used buses, taxi's and walked everywhere. We never had take away and I had to rely on my school friends if I ever wanted to go to anything outside of school, not that we had much extra money for me to do anything.

My dad basicly disappeared off the face of the earth. We later found out that he was up north " recovering" from his ordeal with cancer. We didn't know where he was or how he was. My middle sister moved to Perth and my pop, my dads dad, told her that my dad had a new life now and we had to stay out of it. Nice.

So for a couple of years he was away and then he moved back to Perth. He had moved into his girlfriends house and set up a new life. I went to visit him on my own once. We were driving to my pops house when I noticed that my dads girlfriend was wearing a huge rock on her finger. They hadn't even told me. I tried not to cry in the back of the car. She was such a fake person. I hated being with them. They hardly spoke to me and she wouldn't leave my dad alone with me.

He sent us out invitations to his wedding. He rang me to see if I was going to come. I told him I had nothing to wear and they were very keen to buy me a dress. However, I didn't particularly want to watch my father marry some home wrecking *****. So I didn't go to his wedding. I should add in here before the wedding my mum got some paper work from the divorce in the mail. There had been a mistake in the paperwork and she needed to correct it, however, my mum hadn't filled in any paper work for the divorce yet. Yes, you guessed it, my dads "thing" filled in the paper work and forged my mothers signature. I wish my mum had done something about it. She had no fight left in her though.

So birthdays and christmases passed. He didn't ring or send presents. He didn't ring me on my 21st birthday. I lasted all day without crying but laying in bed that night, there was no denying how I felt. Uncared for.

A few years later, my dad and his lovely bride got a foster child. His "thing" has no children, so we believe this child was their way of having a family together. This child is spoilt, he has everything a kid could need/want. I don't begrude him that because he's had a tough life and he's a nice kid but he is more my fathers child than I am. And I am his blood relative, he along with my mother, created me.

A couple of christmases ago, my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew made the trip to have christmas with him, the "thing" and his foster child. It was bad. Everytime we had a moment with our father, she would call him to do a job. If she was inside he was inside. If we were inside, they were outside. Then christmas morning happened. My sister and I got a gift pack of soaps and loofas. My sisters boyfriend got chocolates and my nephew got a few things but the foster child had an enormous bag filled with presents which we had to sit and watch him open for an hour. We then had to sit through him parading all the lovely new clothes he got. It was great.

He actually rang me the christmas just gone but we only talked for about 5 mins. How much can you talk about with someone you don't know and who isn't really interested in you anyway??? Most recently I stayed with them with my eldest sister and her husband and baby while they went to a metallica concert. We had given my dad photos in frames for one of his birthdays. All of the frames now had pictures of his foster child and his brothers in them or they weren't there at all. Feeling the love?

So after all the birthdays and christmases, the tears and the feelings of not being worthy, today is my birthday and guess what??? I did hear from my dad. His "thing" sent me a message via facebook. How thoughtful!

So I must admit, that I think inside me half my weight battle must atleast be contributed to the fact that I feel worthless because of my father.

So there you go, from the time I was 14 I have been abit messed up. My father has a lot to answer for and very often I wonder if when he dies I will regret not trying harder but I know that I don't have a chance against his wife, so why try. He cannot make the effort for me, should I make it for him? We're the ones who end up hurt and in tears, not him.

The moral of the story is that I think since all this happened food has been my saviour. It's been there for me, it's been my pick me up. It's been 11 years and I'm still not over it. This is what divorce leaves children with, it doesn't help that my dad is a particularly selfish man.

So that's me, another birthday, another broken heart. It's easier to forget how much he doesn't care on a normal day but when it comes to special occasions such as the day of your birth, it's hard to forget the man who gave you your blue eyes, your long limbs and dimple chin.

This story is such a complex one of which I haven't even scratched the surface!

So there you go, you all know abit more about me and part of the reason why I have progressed to being as big as I am.

This sure was a novel, but I did warn you it was a long story!

Peace, love & ice cream cake,

Cub :D

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I read your story... thanks for sharing! feel free to share more if you want... Iike how this place is so open etc... we all have our stories and for me it feels good to put it out there, feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I hope it does that for you to...

this place is addictive, i have only been on here for a week and i am addicted, this place me feel a little safe etc and feels like im not alone.

as i said keep us in the loop... we all know about the food demonds etc I am the biggest comfort eater in the world!!!

BY the way HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! i hope you enjoyed your day and the cake lol!!!!!

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Happy Birthday for Yesterday Cub.

Every good, and shitty thing, that happens to us along life's road brings us to this point. The lessons learnt along the way is what makes us who we are and, after reading your story you seem to have it all in perspective. A very wise head on a lovely young woman.

Cheryl :)

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Hey Cub,

Take it from me, and I know, it is possible to leave these things behind. Not forget them - that wont happen, but it is possible to lessen their power so they don't dictate your life and your reactions anymore. Getting it out is the beginning - and little by little you can become your own person and these things fade into the background. It happened for me in my mid-twenties when I said to myself - what can I learn from this - what do I need to do differently so I don't repeat the pattern - and then I started to have control over it. I also started to accept that people have different values and what mattered most of all was how I lived my life. Once I turned the behaviours I didn't like and that hurt me around to the positive, I knew how I wanted to be and thats what I've tried to focus on. An example might be - "Everyone in my family deserves to be treated equally and with respect." I hope this makes sense. Believe me - a lot of us have been there - learn from it and let yourself move on when you can.

Cheers

Shelli

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