So it's been a while since I've done an entry, and I'm in need of a vent so here I am.
It's been 18months or so since I had my lapband put in. Around January/Feb this year, I was down to 74.5kg. My lowest weight since...I cant even remember being that weight. Down from 108kg. I had 70kg within my sights, I was doing quite well, getting prepared to walk down the aisle.
My wedding was early April and since then I think I have put on about 5kg, maybe 6.5? I have been so slack and I really just can't find the motivation to get back on the wagon. I've been avoiding the scales, haven't been to see my doctor, and I'm not exercising. When I see myself say these things, I KNOW where the problem is. I need to go see my doctor, maybe get a fill, I need to start recording my weight again, and I need to get off my butt. I know that. But I just can't get my head around it at the moment. Winter isn't helping, I just want carbs and heat, and I don't know how to go back to the beginning at the moment. It seems so much harder right now.
I can see myself gaining weight. the jeans that were too loose before, fit again, and I'm not happy about it. My suit that I bought for job interviews is getting just a little bit snug. Not happy. I can see those creases and rolls developing on my back and middle again. And I'm REALLY not happy about it. This should be motivation enough but I just don't know how to do it again.
The worst part is that I don't think I actually need a fill. If I try to binge or scoff something too quickly, I can feel the restriction, or feel something get stuck, which tells me that I have enough fill, I'm just eating the wrong foods, and snacking when I shouldn't be. I'm starting to think that maybe I need to see somebody about my mindset with food and with my own self-image. Now that I'm not planning my wedding, and can't get work, I'm feeling a bit down about who I am and what I'm doing with my life. I know I'm a great mum but I feel like I've lost ME a bit. I'm tired of being at home all day, i miss my husband who works away, and I miss my friends and family who don't live here.