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I have been wondering to myself where I might blog about my depression and I know it's not directly related to WLS I figure this is a good a place as any.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and it's something I've suffered with most of my life, I became aware of it about 13 years old when I tried to take my own life. However, it took me a long time before I started to understand is. I mostly have it under control now, I see a psychiatrist, take medication & try to keep doing things that I know can work such as exercise & letting people know when I am struggling. It has taken lot of adjustments & changes to try & get my medication right, & even when we have it right we have regularly had to up the dose because after being on something that works for awhile the effectiveness starts to lessen & my depression starts to rear it's ugly head.

One of the things I really struggle with is the lack of understanding of what it's really like. So many people think they know but I think what people often don't understand is even when they think they know what it's like, they don't, not really. People seem to have a lot of misconceptions & others don't even believe it's a 'real' illness. I have found that even though some people in my life have either experienced depression themselves or have seen others go through it - they think they know what it's like for me. What I know is that EVERYONE is different, & everyone experiences depression differently. I hate to make it sound as though my depression is worse than others, I know my own dad was experiencing depression and he has said that the doctor put him on anti depressants for awhile, and after that he was able to come off them & he is fine. I appreciate that no matter what level depression affects a person it is a horrible disease to deal with & I would never try to minimise what someone else has been though or is going though.

For me, what I experience is repetitive thoughts wishing for, and fantasising about suicide & self harm. My outlook is bleak and all I want is to isolate & hide away, all the while knowing that I am making myself worse. I question whether I really am experiencing depression and blame myself for being lazy & incompetent. These are just some of the things I experience. I know there are many others out there who go through this but it truly feels as though I am completely alone. There was a time where the other way I dealt with my feeling was to use drugs or food to mask the problem. And drugs were a problem for a long time, it took me a lot to dig myself out of the hole I had created, and where I am today is unbelievable when you consider my past. I have fought tooth & nail to come back from the edge, & I know it is still something I have to fight against.

I hope this post isn't too dark for anyone who reads this. I know it is sort of off topic to what this website is about but I really need someone to voice my feelings about my experience & reality.

And maybe, just maybe there is someone else out there going through something similar & they will know they are not alone.


Back to my uni work.. Blah!


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Thank you for sharing, I can't imagine what you must go through and am sorry you have to battle this all the time. I completely get the part of people not really getting it until they have been through  it and then you are right, everyone's experience is different. There are some dark, dark shadows in the world of depression and anxiety. 

I suffered from depression pnd straight after my first child, recovered quite quickly and got on with life. Fell pregnant with my second, I was really healthy and happy so didn't think it would happen again, then bam, a couple of days after she was born it hit me like nothing I have ever experienced or want to again. This time was full blown panic attacks that lasted for 12 hours a day ( not great with a newborn or toddler), frozen with fear, thinking I would die, the kind of mental illness that you get hospitalized with, terrible! But then I came good again so could move on with my life and have since come off meds. I shudder to think how I would cope if I had to live with mental illness ever day.

Remember how far you have come and how committed you are to being well.

I will always have a dark shadow on my shoulder that follows me around as a reminder of when I was sick. I hope your shadow fades for you some day too. Good luck x

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You're really brave to share this and you're not alone. I've struggled with depression/anxiety since I was about 15 and have been through some extremely dark times. I also struggle with the suicidal/self harm ideation at times but have learned that those obsessions are a symptom of the depression as I don't want to die or hurt myself, so I have learned to just ride out those times and try to be kind to myself until it passes.

Depression and anxiety are nasty little bitches. We need to treat them as an illness and look after ourselves. You've done so well to dig yourself out of the self medicating hole. Be proud of that. Also be proud that you're still here, kicking depressions arse.

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