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Disillusioned

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ladyfortythree AKA Julie

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I  have not written anything in my blog for a long time. I often wonder if anything I write means much at all except it keeps a record of my journey. A bit over three years ago I was pumped, I finally had been banded and I actually believed that maybe at last I had found a solution to what has now been a problem for me for  over 45  years. Today to say I'm disillusioned is an understatement,  put that together with feelings of self loathing, failure and hopelessness and that would be about the size of it at this moment in time. I am now only 5KG off the weight I was on the day of surgery, about 20kg from my heaviest weight. Ive regained over the last 18 months about 12 kilos, I am disgusted in myself.  I dont know where to go from here, I keep trying and failing with my band. Its pretty much a lucky dip as to how each day will play out. some days the band is too tight to eat and out of frustration I eat sliders, other days I can eat anything almost. Ive just coming off a week of chucking up almost every tea time meal and the previous week I did not even feel as if I had a band. My eating habits are now so disorganized. Top that off with spending a couple of days with my sister who was sleeved a year after I was banded watched her being able to eat much of what I cant do and yet she has now lost 79 kilos, looks great while I'm still struggling. I'm also feeling run down and tired so today I hit the shops and got some healthy stuff food wise, going to make up vege soup, eating water melon and berries as snacks.  I'm due to get back up to the city to see my surgeon soon, just waiting until after I sorted out my ankle issue. one thing at a time I'm thinking. If my surgeon offered to take the band out and sleeve me Id jump at it, I'm a public patient as is my sister, we both seem to have had the kind f surgery choice taken out of our hands and I feel she got the better deal.  Sorry to be moaning but I just had to vent, and yes Ive tried just about everything, Ive been counting calories for the whole time Ive been banded, and yes Ive fallen off the wagon a lot of times but I always pick myself up again.  just days like today I am just so tired of this whole struggle, its been going on my whole life, well since about the age of ten, I'm now in my 57th year

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I hope you are feeling better, Julie! :)

Thanks, still battling on. I cant have the sleeve on public system as WA government says once over 54 no extra surgeries, My doctor can only work with the one I first had. Still trying though, still in the same place. Had a fill and the doctor had issues getting the port and sent me to radiology. supposed to have put in .4 of a ml but from that time on have been able to eat even more.  That was a few months back now and I need to go back and find out the issue. Its just organising to stay in the city and affording it as well.  

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