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If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

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We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. ~Lynn Hall

My Nanna died last year. She was 100. And she was wonderful. She was rarely unwell and was a beautiful woman.

I have longevity on both sides. My Grandma is 90 and apart from a wayward disposition (the last time she escaped from the nursing home she said it was because it had dirty bathrooms) she is in excellent health.

But as I come out of my obesity/ depression coma I realise that I really want to live my life, not just exist between breaths.

I've a few brooding health concerns that I would like to get on top of.

This, dear dear readers, is an amazing statement for me to make. In times past I wanted to sleep until 2pm, watch Y&R and then play on the internet until dinner and, well, there were days that went by without me even going outside. And I expect I'll have times like that again.

But, after going to see my GP and being put on an incredibly strong steroid for my excema AND googling it I've connected a few dots and realised that most of y health concerns might be connected to my immune system and or hormones - excema, asthma, and those lovely twins depression and anxiety - linked by panic attacks.

And I, for the first time ever, really want to live a better life, a healthier life, not a life hidden between the clouds in my mind, but within my whole body

I can look back 14 years and see that I first started to care for myself when I accepted help for my depression. And I suppose 14 years before that when I first tried to take my own life was the first sign that things may not have been well in Catharine-Land. So I invented LaLa land where eating whole blocks of chocolate and entire family pizzas was a form of self medication, where running at the first sign of love or lust was how I dealt with my sexuality, where escaping to the outback was how I negotiated with the crunchy bits of life.

Even getting married was a crutch, a bandaid for my self-esteem.

I adore my husband and I am very fortunate to have met him. But I think the time for honesty is now. At least with myself (and the one or two people who read my blog! :-))

So, I'm on Quest Catharine, a quest to eat a diet high in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, to exercise daily, to build a daily yoga practice into my routine, to swim regularly, to walk, to Zumba, to get eight hours of sleep, to stress less and love more. To accept lifes circuitous motion, to let is wind about me and through me, but not to let it bowl me over anymore.

Maybe I got so fat because it was a metaphorical way of 1) not letting life beat me down and 2) it protected me against perceived anxiety

Who knows! I'm about done with the 'why's and ready to explore the 'why the hell not give healthy living and eating and loving' a chance!

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Amazing! I relate to so many things you've written.

I'm so excited for you, this will be the beginning of a happier, healthier you.

(Everybody needs an indoor day/week every now and then... I'm thoroughly enjoying the rain right now!)

All the best Catharine!

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Good for you Catharine- I hope you enjoy your quest even when you come across the speed bumps! Lifes for the living not for existing!

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Thank you Beth and Ash. There are swings, and there are round-a-bouts, but I'm hopeful they are evening out a little. I like blogging. It's good think through what is really going on in my body, and to be able to say, no, no I don't agree with that mind. :-) I've discovered this new thing, it's called 'giving Catharine a break.' Giving me permission to 'slip' and 'fall', coz ya know an Anzac biscuit is just an Anzac biscuit!

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Wow, do you know if it comes in my size? (the giving a break deal)

I'm my own worst enemy right now. Detox is a bitch!

Anzac cookies.. yum. My weakness is shortbread creams. They go down wayyy too easily.

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