This is really long so I understand if you don't wanna read it all, but I needed to get it out and I know you giuys would understand
have been MIA for a while- my mum is still living with us, and has added to her list of sickness and injuries which is stressing me out and making me think that i won't ever see my old life again "SIGH"
anyway I went back to the old me who ate when sad, happy, angry, bored, and since my last fill I have managed to put on over a kilo- now before you tell me its expected until I get to my sweet spot I get that but I have not yet been at my sweet spot( unless you mean that spot where I devour a whole block of chocolate) and I have lost weight all the way through... in fact until October 1st when my mum first went into hospital I had lost 20kg since July ... and I had managed to meet 2 of my major weight loss goals which is something I have never been able to do where my weight is concerned... since then for a myriad of reasons I have stopped putting myself first with the attitude of "what does it matter" and "I am so used and abused woe me" that my weight loss journey has pretty much stopped, and then over Christmas I saw all the food and pressies as an excuse to eat it all... but the thing is as I have been doing this the sad and angry unhappy Cass has come back. I am cranky at my kids, short tempered with Julian and cross at the world in general ( do not cut me off on the road cause at the moment I will not be held responsible for my actions just ask my hubby)
So obviously not coping and have no new strategies to put into place to fix that .
When I started this journey I was so proud of myself- the weight loss and how none of the junk food in my house interested me, that I had a good handle on this journey and mentally I was keeping up with the new me. NOW just 5 months later I feel like a failure, and many times over the last week or so when I stopped mowing through all of the food in my pantry long enough to think about it I have no idea why. Even as I put it into my mouth I know I don't need it and most times I don’t even relly want it but I eat it anyway
I dont want to fail, I dont want to be the fattest person anyone knows anymore and I want to be skinny, healthy and happy more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. That is the one thing I used to wish for as a kid who cried herself to sleep cause the other kids used to laugh and pick on me- to be skinny. So if that’s the one thing I would give up almost anything for why am I sabotaging myself from getting there??? Maybe its because I am scared of the unknown. If I am not the fat friend /sister/daughter/mum/wife then who am I ??? Does that mean the skinny version of me has to stop hiding from life behind my weight and start to really enjoy what I have. Stop using how much I weigh as an excuse to stay home, and am I really worth it???
After some serious soul searching and self lecturing I have discovered a few things…
1. What bandsters say about the band not being a magic cure really is true )(Bugger!!!!) I did know that in my head but I was hoping( LOL) but it has given me another chance and probably a hundred more chances to not go too far backwards until I come to my senses again
2. I have no right to gorge myself silly. I borrowed the $$$ for this to happen and until I have paid it back I have to do what I am supposed to do, or I am wasting someone else’s money. Which I have no right to do.
3. I am lazy by nature and I don’t want to exercise, but I don’t have to like it I just have to do it. No one else is physically stopping me from doing it nor are they physically forcing me to eat crap I am doing it all on my own and have no right to blame or be cranky at anyone else if I don’t exercise or eat right
4. My goals have not changed and I do want to be thin and healthy… I have to try and curb my need for instant gratification ( yum) and look towards what I want for the rest of my life not just what I want for dinner
5. I am being tough on myself, but I think with so much riding on my attitude I should be, I have spent my life telling myself its ok cause I am a nice person… and look where it got me… 131.4kg and desperately unhappy… it didn’t work then and it wont work now
6. I am not just punishing myself I am punishing my family by being cranky and moody and unhappy when I have the means to make it better. For that I am truly sorry and I need to fix it quick!!
7. I am teaching my girls bad bad food habits that they will carry with them through their lives. I don’t want them to have the emotional baggage I have and to have life long issues with their weight, and I have to do something about my baggage now so that they wont follow in my footsteps
6.Stopping my weight loss journey because I am scared of the future and how I will cope is just plain dumb.. Whatever it is it has to be better than this unhappy wife and mum who I have become- my family deserve more than that and I think so do I
7. I do deserve to be happy, and I do have the right to have my dreams come true… all of my friends and family and all of you here believe in me then the least I can do to repay all those people( and all of you) is to believe in myself, be kind to myself when I stuff up and make myself happy
so after a day of soul searching, back on shakes and 34mins of exercise completed
I am going to be kind to myself and jump back on the part of the wagon I didn’t devour and try again
I cant guarantee to be completely perfect but I owe it to my family and more importantly to myself to give it my best shot
Sorry this was so long but life epiphanies take a little longer
Thanks for listening