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Everything posted by Barbarella

  1. Barbarella

    Starting Again

    I haven't been on this site for many years. I was banded in 2012. I have always been overweight and a yo yo dieter. I ballooned out to 104kgs which was my max ever weight when I was banded and lost over 20 kgs in first 6 mths. I then plateaued for ages and didn't lose any more weight. Slowly slowly my bad habits crept in and over the years, I have regained and lost weight. Maxing at 95kgs and not being able to get under 82 kgs despite a goal of between 68-73kgs. I have been exercising on and off for the past 3 years. This year I maxed out again to 97kgs and started exercising again. But haven't been able to get eating right so keep losing and gaining the same 4 kgs which is frustrating. So frustrating I feel I need my brain banded. I thought the band would be the magic bullet - but it wasnt/isnt. It doesn't help that I am a secret bander so don't have any one that keeps me accountable. My hubby has given up on my WL efforts. He loves eating which doesn't help, so he is also my enabler rather than motivator. I remember this was a really helpful forum so thought I would reconnect and start again in the hopes it keeps me accountable and I can get on top of and manage my habits.
  2. Barbarella

    Day 3

    Log for today Exercise: 40 mins, walk and light jog: 10,500 steps - TICK Food: B: Cada Mix special. S: Sk Cap. Avoided the scones at morning tea meeting!!! Gees so much food at work L: Sashimi with grilled tuna, sushi and endamame - felt like a treat but healthy S: Carmens Nut bar D: Homemade hamburger. I so could have done without the bbq sauce and probably only eaten half the burger bun. So no treat tonight Weight: 94kgs Goal weight: 73 kgs. My original goal was 68 - although for my height prob should be 64. But haven't been that weight since my 20s and that was my lowest weight. In high school remember being 73kgs and heavy. I just need to not get comfortable in my 80s which is what happens. I hate being in the 90s - feel so heavy esp in my tummy and arms. Just have to be focussed and committed. And not beat myself up if I ate the whole burger and have 'failure thoughts' and well you blew it so go keep blowing it. I easily self sabotage. So my weaknesses plain chips plain chips plain chips!!! I can eat a big bag in a sitting - disgusting but seriously like a drug for me. i am better off to not even eat one cause i seriously can't stop. not tempted by other flavour chips as much. I just need to avoid buying or buying for family. I usually try to buy ccs or doritos cause don't like those and won't be tempted. snacking after dinner lollies (at work - they so need to get rid of them - but just have to avoid them. It is amazing how much sugary temptations we have at work!!) I think I did OK today. I think the fact that have really built up my fitness is good. I hate the idea of stopping because i know how painful it is to stop and start again. So feel comfortable to keep that pace and even step it up whilst focus on getting food right and also my thoughts. Really exhausting that beat myself up pretty much every day of my life on my weight. Need to change the inner dialogue. So hoping by writing it down I can get there. Perhaps instead of accepting the self sabotaging voice I just challenge it. I also have to learn how to deal with when food plans in household change so that can still be healthy. Ie in reality when i found out hubby was making burgers it was like always i give in. I should have said to myself OK have it but have half the bun, hold the cheese and just make a salad on the side. Next time - look its not that bad in comparison to other food choices, but I know this is how I then find myself on the slippery slope of no return. So am hoping by writing all the garbage out of my head I can avoid the slippery slope. Eww the slippery slope. It gives me the chills. I know for now I am so focussed on not getting near the slippery slope. I just need to be accountable by writing and be truthful so that can recognise if am teetering on the slippery slope so that can use my strength to pull myself off. I haven't succeeded ever! This time I will. This time I will. This time I will. Ok am hoping this is like Dorothy tapping her heels 3x saying there is no place like home and she gets there! I just have to fricken do it!
  3. Barbarella

    Day 2 log

    Alarm didn't go off and woke up at 6.11 instead of 5.40 so missed bootcamp. Got up anyway and took dog to bay and jogged / walked for 40 mins. Achieved over 10K steps today yay! Food log: B: same as yest. S: S/Cap L: 9 grains toast (2 slices) + ricotta and ham + carrots sticks S: Chickpea snack D: Pesto pasta + salad S: Choc coconut bliss ball. Achievements: still getting up ato exercise even though missed boot camp, saying no to work cake in the morning (birthday) and afternoon tea!!! Lots of saved calories Hunger levels. Good. Started feeling hungry on drive home even though had afternoon snack. Didn't really feel hungry after dinner. But having the little healthy treat will hopefully be the thing that helps break the night craving. What could have done better - perhaps a little less pasta (was probably more than cup in size) and less oil on salad. I think pretty Ok mix of carbs / protein / veg. #repeat tomorrow! No temptations tomorrow like today. #oneday at a time! #honestyisthebestpolicy. #motivation level = 10.
  4. Barbarella

    Starting Over

    How is it all going for you.? i remember you too. I am with you! Fallen off and back on the wagon. Its an ongoing journey isn't it!!!!
  5. Barbarella

    Back on the treadmill - Day 1

    I just posted that I am back after being away for a long time. I left because I thought I didn't need the support anymore that all was going swell and then when I pretty much regained it all I felt like a failure. So now am just over it. Over feeling sorry for myself and over always repeating the same mistakes. On the negative I beat myself up because the amount of times I have actually lost weight I would have literally disintegrated into nothing but on the flip side if I didn't reign myself in, I wouldn't fit into my house! So I think I need to change my mindset and slowly get back on track and set goals that ups the ante and keeps me motivated. I just need a supportive community that will keep me accountable. Or in the least putting it down in writing here hopefully will keep me on track to meeting goals that aren't just numbers / scale based. So I am going to start by setting weekly and daily goals. Week One: FOOD: Log my food every day Pay attention to portion size Pay attention to hunger vs emotions 5 small meals per day (i.e. B, L & D and 2 snacks). Pay attention and be determined at dinner time. Be conscious to reduce portions as this is where I blow it and have salad/veg with dinner and avoid / minimise carbs. EXERCISE: 5 days : 3 - 4 days resistance/ weights + cardio:2 x week Boot Camp (paid for, this wk 3 x as didn't use last week) and 2 days Walk Dog (add in jogging) for 45 mins 2 x week. The Plan: Tues BC, Weds WD, Thurs BC, Fri WD, Sat BC, Sun WD. 10K Steps. Todays Food Log (thus far): B: Cada Mix (made in TMX i.e. apple, dates, dess. coconut, almonds, pepitas) + strawberries, blueberries, and coconut chobani yoghurt. Love this - this is my new go to brekkie fave. At least I start the day well! ate at 8am. S: Skim Cap @ 10am L: Small bread roll with ricotta and prosciutto @1pm S: Go Natural Nut Delight Muesli Bar. Start feeling hungry just after 4 which is when I ate this. D: Baked Salmon and Salad @6.15pm. Went with kids and dog for walk after dinner and actually felt full. S: have 2 coconut bliss balls (home made set aside if feel like it). Just under 10K steps - feel pretty good about day 1.
  6. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    Wow Ali. That is great and so inspiring. I am back for a hit of inspiration. Am a massive failure. Haven't been able to lose weight and lost my focus. Story of my life. Am hoping that this time I can get my head in the right space so that the band does its thing and I continue to lose weight. On the plus side at least I haven't gained. In previous attempts I would have already been back at square 1 plus more. So am glad u are doing so well. What has kept u motivated?
  7. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    Hi all ... havent been to visit for ages. Last 2 mths have been losing and gaining the same kilo ... major plateauing!!! Doesnt help that my night time urges to snack have crept back in!!! So tonight, no snacking! Today went for a fill as have been feeling hungry in between meals and I think I have been eating for maintenance not for weight loss. So for maintenance I can enjoy a treat or 3 but for weight loss what I found worked was to have cappuccino for breakfast, salad or a grainy sandwich for lunch and then for dinner, protein, veg and carb or a veg style pasta. Occassional alcohol! So alcohol more frequent - big no no. And Easter has thrown my diet out of whack ... so no more chocolate! Am hoping I can start losing weight again. Just need to get into the right head space as clearly havent been in the right head space, which makes it frustrating to lose and gain that same friggin kilo! Need to bust out of the plateau and get back into the 70s. How is everyone going? Its great to be losing weight ... but its not as easy as i thought ... plus I have no time for exercise with full time work and family commitments, and now that winter is on its way, the thought of exercise is so unappealing. So just have to get the eating under control!!! Time to reprogram my brain for weight loss success! Watch this space - hopefully next time can report something positive. Look forward to hearing how you are all going.
  8. Barbarella


    Good on you. Your legs look great btw. Despite the bloody knee. You are doing so well! And you can see that your spirit can not be defeated!
  9. Barbarella

    Diets done and successes/failures

    I was probably 10 or 11 when was put on my first diet for being overweight. Remembered at the time how horrible wholemeal bread and ricotta was (love it now!) Always self conscious as a teen and my mum a serial dieter would always give me smaller portions at dinner (and then would sneak biscuits etc from pantry and eat them in my room after dinner - which probably explains why my hour of weakness is still after dinner perhaps?) Jenny Craig - lost weight but gained Soup Diet, countless gym memberships. Especially from late teens throughout my 20s, was a gym exercise junkie. Would exercise more than eat healthy. Now I just dont have time for exercise what with fulltime work and kids! Too exhausted. Lite N Easy - twice. Worked and lost 1kg per week until I got bored and started skipping the meals until I went completely off it and then immediately regained. Dietician. Slow weight loss but steady. Finally got pregnant and despite twin pregnancy didnt gain a massive amount (until the end due to fluid retention - which lost pretty much straight away) Was only 4kg heavier than when fell pregnant but within the year had put on 12 kgs! And heaviest had ever been in my life at 104kgs! I am now at the default weight I end up after dieting in my 30s and as I approach 40 my biggest fear is I wont get to under 80. And to think in my 20s Weighing 76kgs was so overweight!!! And now the lap band! Try to keep portions in check but easy to eat slow and eat more. Aim for 2-3 meals a day with no snacking (although evenings can sometimes be my weakness esp when in company). Sick of counting calories and strick routines. Just trying to be sensible whilst still enjoying eating. At the end of the day LOVE food! Want to have a healthy relationship with food. But fighting those demons is still a daily battle!!! From fighting to have strenght and willpower to fighting against the saboteur and negative feelings of failure. I hope that one day I can be rid of dieting, guilt and have a healthy relationship with food with the help of the band!
  10. Barbarella

    A deep and meaningful question

    Shorty you have done so well and so close to goal. I guess of the band failing / failing the band doesnt go away? I am a secret bandit too and as a result act like I am not accountable if going out for dinner etc. Whereas when people know you tend to make more of an effort. Well I would think. Although don't make more of an effort with hubbie and he obviously knows. Great thread BTW ...
  11. Barbarella

    A deep and meaningful question

    Kazbo I have the same thoughts too. I have been at the weight I am too many times not been able to maintain and gain. Find it difficult to believe that the weight will keep going down and that I will even reach goal and maintain. bugs me no end .. and then the doubt tampers with the healthy eating ... not good need to start believing so that dont get stuck in this rut! Be interested to hear if anyone else has same thought - or had same thoughts - and were able to break through rut and get over that negative thinking and push forward to goal!
  12. Barbarella

    1 year on, what have you achieved?

    Well done Lizzy and Butterflies. Thanks for sharing. Inspiring! Would love to hear what really helped you stay on track and the kind of foods you ate. Almost 6 mths on and 1/2 way to goal and doubt at this rate will reach goal by 1 year anniversary. Have been a bit slack with diet of late and its true you cant band your head. Was tempted to have some M&Ms before so was a good thing to read this thread to help me stay focussed and away from the m&ms!!!
  13. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    Hi August Banditos ... Hope everyone doing well. This thread has slowed down, but wanted to take a moment to check in. Finally reached my Xmas goal (1 month later LOL) Oh well, I did enjoy Xmas and the holiday eating but thankfully was pretty active so was surprised that remained the same weight. Had a fill 2 weeks ago and finally weight starting to shift. Have had a few stuck moments. Can still eat pretty much anything, but find that soft white bread sometimes a bit hard, so avoid. But other naughty things like, popcorn or icecream or chips, I should be avoiding, but they go down fine too. Have been sticking to 2 - 3 meals per day. But finding my night time eating (ie after kids asleep and on lounge with hubby) seems to be creeping back in. So need to curb that. Hard to be saintly. But cant believe have lost 20kgs! Can feel in clothes but dont necessarily feel thinner if that makes sense. Maybe will mentally notice it more when get out of the 80s and into the 70s ... has been years since was in the 70s. Have another appt in 2 weeks, so might try for another fill. A little more restriction would probably be a good thing, as still feel can eat way more than 1/2 cup. Hope to hear how you are all doing.
  14. Barbarella

    Good bye everyone

    I think u can safely go shopping
  15. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    How is everyone going? Would love to hear how a you are all progressing Haven't lost anymore weight despite a small fill. But the way have been eating with so many Xmas functions I could have sworn I had put on weight so was surprised I didn't. Had first stuck moment when went out for dinner the other night with hubbie. Thankfully it passed but freaked me a little and didn't eat much more which was probably a good thing. I think I need another fill though. Am getting hungry more frequently in between meals. Won't be going back for almost another month and to be honest want to enjoy Xmas and holiday break. We are going camping at a holiday park. Can't wait. Kids love it! So as long as come back and have eaten well even if not so strict and started to exercise and hopefully just stay the same in the least happy with that and then will get straight back into it when get back home and back into routine again. Wishing everyone a merry Xmas and a happy new healthy and skinny year
  16. Barbarella

    Just about there, post body lift op.

    Same. You look fantastic
  17. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    On a side note, people are starting to notice that have lost weight, but am trying to not make a big issue about it and say yeah have lost a little bit, working at being healthy. Over a year ago was same weight, so mortifying when think how big I got, lost and put on, lost and put on. Worried that have always ended up for the past 5 years around this weight and not been able to lose more. Losing the next 10 kgs mentally will be the biggest hurdle! Will save that for New Year, New Challenge!
  18. Barbarella

    August 2012 Bandits

    Great Job Paula! How is everyone else going? Tis a bit quiet ... is everyone out enjoying the silly season? I went to see surgeon last week and had .4ml put in which was happy with as didnt want too much restriction around the silly season or be out and have a stuck moment. Dont really feel like the .4ml has made much of a difference to be honest though. Just trying to exert as much willpower as possible which is hard but then allow the odd treat. Havent craved chocolate, which is great given was such a sweet tooth but have finally had it again a couple of times and surprisingly have had it but then not looked for more, so that is an achievement. Before I would just keep going. Ate half a pizza on the weekend and was absolutely totally stuffed and then realised pre band would have had the whole thing and more food. Small changes but not so drastic that feel deprived which leads to that whole falling off the band wagon, feeling guilty, throwing the towel and then going all hell for leather sabotaging all the good work. Am still hovering at 86kgs but am hoping can knock off 2 more to make 20kgs and Xmas goal - 3 weeks to go; will give it best shot, despite the devil lurking behind all the xmas treats and temptations! Good luck everyone and bring on Xmas! And holidays, so need a break from work!!!!!
  19. So looking forward to silly season be over. Want to enjoy myself but will not go overboard, that is the best I can do so that dont feel like I am missing out. But reading this is an eye opener and good comparison of food vs alcohol, my perception was totally no where close!
  20. Barbarella

    Struggling with my head

    Oh yes so hard! People at work dont know I am banded but know am on health kick, whenever am in kitchen and some one has bought in some goodies and temptation so hard to say no, so have to quickly say out loud to whoever is there, dont let me have one! Right now, I know that there is pannettone sitting in the cupboard which is open ... I have already had to negotiate with myself a couple of times to not have it. Unfortunately even when stomach is banded it doesnt band your head, so really requires battling that demon and saying no. You can do it, just takes time to retrain the brain and you'll never be perfect, but am hoping I will get there and when I have a moment where have given in to temptation I then dont feel guilty and live with it and keep going.
  21. Barbarella

    How I have changed ...

    Great job girl. You are an inspiration.
  22. Barbarella

    Wedding Ettiquette

    I paid for everything. But that was my choice and had a small bridal party anyway. Flights is a stretch though I agree. You'll be fine if you are organised and have plenty of time and don't leave all to last minute which looks like you won't . I organise mine in 4mths and was pretty tiring as we decided to fast track it due to my hubbie visa. Loved my wedding though and on the day even though there were a few stuff ups I didn't care and just really enjoyed it.
  23. Barbarella

    Non Scale Victories (NSVs)

    I can cross my legs once more. Woo hoo.
  24. Haven't blogged for ages as am always in the threads area but felt I needed to get my thoughts down, mainly to make myself accountable. Long story short, although have been doing well with weightloss - am now half way. I feel like have been so busy with work and life in general that havent been doing such a good job planning healthy nutritious meals in the past couple of weeks. As a result haven't been eating as well as I should be the past couple of weeks. Ie. go for the easy quick alternatives which usually = carbs and more carbs instead of protein and more veg. Not that am eating massive portions am still sticking to band plate size most times. I think am just tired, so when juggling crazy life its easy to slip back into bad, easy habits. Went to see Bond tonight with work colleagues - great btw. But had crap - pizza, chips, popcorn! Where's the nutritious value??? Feeling guilty and just feel need to get it out there so that get back on track rather than start on a vicious sabotaging cycle. Have an appt next Thurs. Don't really want to have a fill though. I find I can go for half a day with no food and just coffee and that keeps me going to lunch. I do feel more restricted in the morning but by evening not so much. Maybe cause am so stressed and constantly on the go during the day? Or maybe am in green zone? I rarely feel hungry, but still need to use self discipline to stop. This silly season not helping. Social functions galore. In a way one of the reasons I dont want a fill, as still want the freedom to enjoy myself without having to worry about having a stuck moment, which thankfully havent had as yet. Anyway I am just hanging for Xmas break so that can have a break from work and spend time with my family and kids and just take time out for myself and reconnect and step off this crazy rat race / ground hog day ... its so exhausting! Probably doesnt help that am not taking my vitamins ... hate taking vitamins ... maybe need to take them again or go get blood tests. Note to self. All in all am loving my band. Even when indulge / make bad food choices it is evident I still cant eat the volumes I used to. The not starving factor also helps to always try and make better food choices. I love the freedom of not being on a diet and living by the 80:20 philosophy - although this week feels like 20:80 (not good). Am also liking that am not so restricted that can still eat pretty much everything. I have had a headcold /chest infection for past week (which doesnt help with the lack of motivation / tiredness) and as a result band has felt tighter. 2kgs away from my Xmas goal. Hope can acheive that in spite of this crazy silly season and hoping my vent helps get my thoughts off my chest and puts some perspective back into my journey as well as derail me from potential self sabotage! On the up side my clothes fit so much better and am back into clothes that havent fit for ages and they are starting to get looser. And I can cross my legs again! Yay! I still look frumpy in the mirror though and have come to the realisation that my tummy wont deflate back to what it was and that is partly due to my stomach overhang and muscles seperating big time after giving birth to the twins! Boobs are deflating and pointing downwards ... clearly breastfeeding didnt help that either. Was such a big thing to convince my hubbie to be banded, am sure it will be another battle if have to convince him to have a tummy tuck / boob lift ... anyway will cross that bridge if / when I get to it! If you have read this far, thank you. Any words of advise welcome!
  25. Barbarella

    A week later....

    10 kgs that is awesome! You are doing really well. Ouchies that bruise is humongous!