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Showing results for tags 'self-esteem'.
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Life has been a whirlwind for the past few months, so much has been happening in my personal and professional life and I feel as though tonight I have hit my limit and consequently I am channelling this anarchy into my blog for relief and your enjoyment or at least some night time reading. A few months ago I returned from my usual Saturday morning Step class absolutely exhausted, I went to bed and slept for 4 hours, woke up, ate and then returned to bed for another 4 hours, again woke up, ate and returned to bed for the night. Exhaustion. I eased up the exercise which has led to a complete absence of all physical activity as I just don't have the energy and have stopped calories completely until I see my doctor next week. 12 months of severe calorie deficiency has finally taken its toll. I really wanted to hit my ultimate goal of 60kg by now but that is on hold and I am maintaining at 63-64kg. The band and I are becoming increasingly less fond of each other and I am fed up with the dietary limitations and unpredictability so my fingers are crossed that a surgeon will agree to revise me for all sorts of reasons when I see him next week, fingers crossed! Work has been completely insane for the past few months as well which has substantially affected my functioning, now that Christmas holidays are here I am looking forward to establishing a new routine after I move to my new spot and become acquainted with my new town and workplace- got to find the gym. I am really struggling to find peace with my new body at 63-64kg, I'm already wanting to have my tummy and thighs done. No thanks to superficial, moronic, self indulged boys not men - one of whom told me I needed to lose weight from my legs! Something I already felt true and didn't need to be said! The plan is so see the doctor, get a revision - hopefully band to bypass in one, find my energy and get running again and get hot just to prove to these idiots. Then save for a new tummy!! Just be yourself; you are wonderful
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Sorry for the cliched title. I loathe the word journey, hijacked as its become, but to be honest, I can't actually think of what else this is. A journey, an exploration, a study in self - it's many things - it's also a long overdue admission that I - Ms Very High Self-Esteem - am now so overweight that it's actually affecting my health. I can't be in denial any more, something needs to be done. I had lunch two weeks ago with my son's best mate's mum. I hadn't seen her for a while and she looked fantastic. I knew that in the past she had used Duromine to lose about 10-12 kg and thought she must have been on that but she said "didn't I tell you? I got a lap-band done in November. Best thing I ever did!". She has lost 11 kg (even over Christmas! I was very impressed) and reckoned it was so easy and why she didn't do it years ago she'll never know. I was fascinated. I listened hard to everything she told me and went home thinking "I think I need this". I am lucky to have a very supportive partner who loves me regardless of what I look like but all the same, I know he is very pleased that I've decided to do this. I made an appointment to see Prof. Paul O'Brien on 18 February but was excited to get a call saying there was an earlier appointment, so I went yesterday, 11 February. I was horrified to see what my weight was - 90 kg - BMI 35.6. I even find it hard to type that terrible number, but I knew it was time to face it. I am only 5'1" - 5'2" if I'm really lucky and 90 kg is appalling for my height. I had a hard enough time last year facing turning 50, then acknowledging I was actually going through menopause, now this. All these unfaceable things must now be squarely faced. Prof. O'Brien told me that my ideal weight is 63 kg (is it a sign? I was born in 1963...*cue spooky music*) and that I have 27 kg of excess weight but should aim to lose 18 kg to get to 72 kg. I responded "I look awesome at 70 kg". Like I said, I have a very healthy self-esteem So I got given all the paperwork and spent most of last night completing it - I absolutely couldn't complete the 40 page questionnaire in one hit so I did half last night and the rest this morning. I've had my GP sign the forms for the super fund, and tomorrow I'll post it all off. My surgery is scheduled for 24 March 2014 unless the super fund comes through quickly and there is an earlier spot, which I will take. I'm nervous and excited. I'm worried I will fail. I'm curious if I will succeed and if that success will be fast or slow. I fret that I'm a boredom eater and often eat when I'm not hungry. I wonder if I will still have the urge to buy a packet of biscuits or a block of chocolate and hide it in my office drawer to nibble on during the day. I am worried how I will cook for my partner and son when I don't feel hungry. In short, I have NFI what is ahead of me! If I'm brutally honest (and why shouldn't I be here? No one knows who I am, there are no expectations, I can truly be myself), I've always been a bit of a "happens to other people" type. But this time it's happening to me and I have to face it. I am fat. Horribly so for my height. I am sick of shopping in the fat chick's section. I am sick of not wearing sleeveless things. I'm sick of trying on bigger and bigger sizes to find something that fits. I've always had big boobs, but even I'm shocked at the sheer scale of the bras I'm wearing now. You could parachute safely to earth from a plane with one of them! I'm sick of seeing people I haven't seen for ages say "wow, you look really well" - when we all know that "well" is a weasel word for fat. Sometimes I even supply them with the word they can't bring themselves to say. I am nothing if not blunt. The Prof's letter to the superannuation fund, by necessity, has to be blunt, but man, it was really tough seeing the words "quite massive obesity" so baldly spelled out on the page. Well you know what? I never want those words used in relation to me again. So lap-band surgery it is. I really hope I can get an earlier appointment to have it done, just to get it over with so I can start this new...thing I don't want to call a journey. I know! A project. That's what it is - a project. LillyPilly's Fat Project. And it starts now. This would be great! I want to use this blog to articulate my thoughts as well as to share what's actually happening to me throughout The Project. I don't mind if no one reads this, it's mainly for me anyway, and I thank the Admins of the forum for providing a safe space to do this. Let us begin.
