Jump to content
Fingerscrossed

Am I too needy?

Recommended Posts

I think I'm the type of person who needs encouragement and reassurance-I've been banded since march 2012, and my whole life has changed! Different eating habits (of course!) and now I've even started RUNNING (well, walk/running in intervals the best I can) on the treadmill. I've lost 17kg, but I still have 30 or so to go.

Anyway, my point is, I'm not getting any encouragement from one of the 2 people who know about my band-my husband!

I tell him 'I managed to run & walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes today!' (a huge feat for someone who hasn't really exercised for 25 or so years) and ge doesn't bat an eyelid. All I want us a 'you're doing great, I bet you feel

wonderful!'

I say 'I've lost 17kg!' he doesn't say anything! How about a 'holy shit that's a huge amount of weight, well done!' or even just a 'I can tell, you look different!'

Am I asking too much for some encouragement? It's starting to get me down :-(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think you are asking to much at all. When I first had my surgery I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time. About 6 weeks after surgery I asked him to drive me to the hospital for my first fill and told him about the surgery and that I had lost 10kgs, he responded with "oh I didn't notice". Then when I came out from getting the fill I told him my surgeon said I would loose a 1kg a week, he then said "can't you lose it faster?".

He is obviously no longer my boyfriend!

Not everyone in your life is going to be supportive, you have to be strong minded to be there for yourself. That's why this website is so great for things like that.

He may also be jealous that you are loosing weight.

Congratulations on your weightloss :) you are doing amazing!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pffft, you aren't asking too much at all!

You can be pretty sure that everyone on this forum is very impressed with your efforts as we have all been there before.

So well done from me, I am also not a natural born exerciser and have to drag myself kicking and screaming to do it.

A chat with hubbie definitely sounds like it needs to be had.

Is he overweight or average weight?

Perhaps there may be other reasons why he is not being supportive, or maybe honestly doesn't think he is doing anything wrong!

Communication is key, however.

Get it out into the open, and if nothing else happens at least you know that you've said your piece.

Peace,

VM.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All i can say is remember who you are doing this for and try not to seek encouragement form other because dissapointment could be your down fall. Encourage and

reward yourself with small non food treats and remember most men aren't like us women who seem to want others to notice and approve, so just do it for you.

Good luck :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for the wise replies. When I think about it, he probably doesnt think anything of it. He's naturally slim and muscular, and has never minded me being big. I suppose the thing that gets to me is that he knows how excited I am about this journey and I'd live it if he was as excited as I am that I'm succeeding!

And you're right, I am doing this for me, and I'm really happy with how I'm going and love that I can get support here whenever I need it! Thanks so much ladies (and men!)

I guess I want someone to be proud of me, especially the person who I love the most. Will keep plugging away getting results and being happy with myself!

Now back on that bloody mind-numbing treadmill!

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

our partners can be intrinsically stupid :) and can tend not to notice or appreciate the efforts we are making...especially as they might have heard it all before with our fad diets, etc...maybe they have taught themselves to tune it out?

How about you tell him that you need to hear some recognition or encouragement?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Im so sorry that your obviously upset. Are you able to sit and talk with him about how you feel, because I know my greatest motivation comes from my hubby and kids, it means the world to me. He may be silly and just not understand that is what you need to hear from him, when I first started my weightloss journey I asked my husband all the time did I look different, did he notice I was loosing weight, tell him about my exercise and he would just "thats nice hunny", me! I would get so annoyed, then I talked to him about how I felt and he told me "you never really wanted to talk about your weight before banding as it would get you down, I didn't want to comment or be too enthusiastic for you loosing, ..... incase it wasn't the right thing." So I then understood, told him its ok encouragement in this form is ok, because Im at a good place and I don't feel like its him wanting me to loose or pushing me, that he is supporting me - as its my choice to do this.

Now he and my kids love that I can walk with them to the park and around the shops without needing to sit or wanting to go home after half an hour. They love to see me on the tready and especially my 4 year old she drew a picture of me as a big round ball on our family portrait she drew and I hung up in her room. The other day she said I dont look round anymore, well not really so she needs to draw another one which is only a little bit round, made me smile.

If he can't give you what you need maybe find a friend or someone who can give you that "high five" that you need, I made a really good friend on this forum and I know we high five each other all the time, its great! We all need some encouragement and support. :)

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks JaimiM! Unfortunately he's the strong silent type and doesnt really do deep and meaningful conversations (I hope I dont sound like I'm just bad-mouthing him, because he really is a great bloke and supportive in other ways!). Anyway To be honest I think he is proud of me, I'd just like it if he was more verbal and I think that's totally vain of me!? I know he's happy that I'm so happy, too, so that's a start.

I LOVE the story about your daughter's drawing of you! That must just make your day! I can't wait til the day when I'm in the shower or getting dressed and my 3 year old son doesn't say 'mummy you've got a big tummy!' LOL out of the mouths of babes, hey!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with some of the other posters - sometimes you have to tell them what you want from them. I've been training my hubby for 12 years now and he gets it right now 80% of the time!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There could be another issue here too.

Does he feel threatened?

Sometimes, when we have been a certtain way for many years ( fat /thin/ blonde / workaholic / smoker, whatever...) then we suddenly change and the ones closest to us feel like the person they have always known is disappearing and often the partner will feel left behind by the big changes in you or left out of the process.

Go on telling him about your small and big victories.

Include him in the process .

Tell him why you're doing this - to be be fitter, healthier and to live a longer life, but also so you can share a better quality of life with him.

Also, ask him how he feels, about how it affects him. Insecure? Betrayed? Left out? Its all valid....

Keep the communication lines open but dont obsess about it. Good Luck!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My partner is not a talker either, we have a message board on the fridge, and I write my weight loss on there every Friday, I leave the previous weight with a line through it. anyway last night I got home from work and found he had written a WoW! beside the 10.3 I had written :wub: .

And a big WOW to your 17kg, WELL DONE! you must be feeling great health wise.

Not one other person has noticed my weight loss, or they just haven't said anything :rolleyes: but the best thing is that I CAN FEEL IT! just being able to tie my shoe laces and breathe at the same time is wonderful. Ha Ha I also noticed my shoe laces seem longer, as my feet must have lost weight, again, something nobody else would notice :wacko:

Cheers

Just give him time he will come around :)

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tracey,

I had to laugh at the shoes thing! Thats what finally pushed me into doing the surgery - I couldn't get shoes on without a 40cm long shoehorn - like the ones the oldies in nursing homes use !

Now I can and whats more, my shoes aren't as tight.

"Fingerscrossed"this is about so much more than your partner noticing - its about how much you love and respect yourself - enough to go through this no matter what.

Stick to your plan, you deserve the best and the reward will be your own self respect.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Funny that...it happen to me today...had an appt today...and when I god home..my son said mummy how did u go...I said I lost four kg...he said I knew u lost weight mummy...I told u...while my husband in the room said nothing...I have now lost 26kgs...and I got nothing...so today I wrote on face book my loss...and he made a comment on facebook...after around 15 people leftcomments...pffft really...don't bother...

So chin up Hun...we are all here to support each other

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×