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Living with someone who has a lapband

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 I know a lot of people are complaining here about family members who aren't supportive of their choices (i.e., to have a lapband) but I am finding that my mother is in a very negative space regarding weight following her own lap-banding.  I would have thought that the whole process of losing the weight would have been more sensitive to my struggles.  Instead she is extremely intolerant towards myself and other people being overweight. 

 

For example:

 

1. When trying to describe someone to me, she will always mention their weight first.  She frequently associates them being overweight with other negative characteristics that has nothing to do with how much their fat cells contains.  Or if we are at a meal she will look at their plate and comment on how much they ate.

 

2. She constantly suggests which shops I should buy clothes in, she always suggests shops that she knows does not hold my size (because I have told her a number of times).

 

3. Whenever I talk about my weight (which is not that often) she always pushes lap-banding even though I have been very clear that I do not think that it is an option for me.

 

I can't get her to see that the way she is acting is making me feel worse than any magazine or stranger.  I would feel that if there was any body in the world that should accept me despite my weight it should be her... in fact I have flat out told her this.

 

I can't help that she received a personality transplant (not for the better) in addition to her lapband and it is making me feel very resentful of her at the moment.  I am not sure how to repair our relationship...

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She sounds a bit like an evangelistic reformed smoker, only in the form of a weight loss nazi. That is her journey, not yours.

It is very difficult because she is you mother. Chin up and strength in the face of her views, you can only walk your own path.

All the best.

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I'm hopeless at having rational conversations with people about feelings (as my family doesn't talk about feelings), but if I was going through this I would be finishing each of her comments with a remark about how she was fat (or whatever expression she uses) for x number of years and how good it must be for her that weight loss surgery has helped her lose a few of those kilos that she was incapable of losing without having to resort to surgery. Sorry, but people making negative comments like that just push my buttons and I would be throwing those negative comments right back at her. I'm sure everyone else will tell you something that is a more appropriate response.

 

Also lapbanding on average only results in someone losing half their excess weight. I would say I failed at lapband as I returned to my pre-surgery weight within 2 years of getting the lapband. So WLS is not a magical solution to weight loss as it is primarily a mental thing, particular over the long-term in my opinion. Sure I have a lapband and that helps me lose weight over someone that doesnt have one, but the majority of my weight loss has been due to not putting food into my mouth that I shouldn't be eating. 

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Not sure how much you have to lose, but it sounds to me as if your mother is a bit of a sabatoeur.  This will be for her own personal reasons.  You need to understand that your mother has her own agenda and not let her negativity affect you so you can get on and do and achieve what YOU need to.  I don't know that I can offer any advice that might be helpful other than that.

 

Wishing you all the best. 

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Is your mother a member of this site? If not suggest that she should join, she may learn a few things about compassion and caring for others with weight issues.

I'm sorry that you have to put up with that, I agree with missy though, I think you may have to be very forceful and maybe you may have to tell her to shut up. Tell her she is an embarrassment to you when you are out together, walk away if she makes rude comments about others.

Don't spend time with someone who brings you down, it's hard enough battling our weight problems without a saboteur assisting us along the way.

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Is your mother a member of this site? If not suggest that she should join, she may learn a few things about compassion and caring for others with weight issues.

I'm sorry that you have to put up with that, I agree with missy though, I think you may have to be very forceful and maybe you may have to tell her to shut up. Tell her she is an embarrassment to you when you are out together, walk away if she makes rude comments about others.

Don't spend time with someone who brings you down, it's hard enough battling our weight problems without a saboteur assisting us along the way.

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No she's not a member.  While I am happy she lost weight one of the only reasons I am skeptical of her getting the lapband is that there was not psychological or education component of her transition to a "skinny" person.  She is the same insecure person just in a smaller form. 

i know that sometimes she does try and trip me up even if she isn't aware of it.  For example, other times when I have been trying to lose weight and she knows it she will bring home bagels and things like that because she thought I would enjoy it even though she knows I was trying to abstain.... small things that would trip me up because I didn't have the will to say no. 

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I would tell her to take them out of the house or you will throw them immediately out since you are on an abstinence program if that happen to me. You can't let her problems distract you from your goals. If she has a tantrum at you asserting yourself the that is her problem not yours.

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I think she sounds a bit evangelical too. Mothers often do have a habit of pushing their daughters buttons.  I hope she can gain some grace over time.

She is being cruel to you

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Can you see less of your mother? Or make discussions about your weight a no-go xone?

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Man that's hard, I was talking about this on another thread, my mother has never been overweight so completely doesn't understand weight loss issues, always weighing me up in her head when she seeing me, dropping hints about healthy eating and exercise.  It can be so damaging and depressing.  I think definitely try to see less of her during this time if she wont listen to how she is making things hard for her.  She may be over enthusiatic about the band after having good results but that's no excuse for putting other people down.  It sounds like you say she is still very insecure and if she is sabotaging your own efforts then you've got to distance yourself.

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Born-again thin person?

 

My mom is the same way but she lost weight through diet and exercise alone (and still struggles madly with her weight).  She isn't only not supportive of me but she talks to me in this insanely condescending tone about how I simply must not know the truth about how carbs work.  All carbs are bad, you see.  We should all avoid all carbs ever.  

 

I've tried to explaining to her that I like to poop occasionally and that some carbohydrates (such as dietary fibre) are beneficial.  She wasn't hearing any of it.  She knows everything and if I don't take her advice, I'm not worth her time.

 

Some people really just shouldn't be spoken to if they can't manage to stop being a jerk long enough to carry on a conversation.

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I have a friend who has a mother that constantly puts her down and makes comments about her weight. This friend constantly feels the need to update everyone around her about how much weight she has lost, how many times she goes to the gym etc, like she is seeking validation from everyone.  It has become very draining on my friendship with her to see what her mum is like and how that makes her feel about herself.  She is in a constant battle with herself to look and be 'skinny'.  My advice would be is to speak to your mum about what she is doing, and if she makes no changes towards you to spend less time with her.  There is nothing worse than being around someone who makes you feel like that. 

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Being an optimist, I'm going to take a completely different angle here.

Your Mum is obviously impressed with her loss, and it is possible that she is sprouting her own greatness by doing something she's never been able to do before: pick on 'fat people'.

Whilst it's not correct in any way, it is a way to gain the recognition of others and an attempt to make them begin to see her as separate from 'those fat people'.

As for the comments made to you, I feel that she thinks she's a bit of an 'expert' in weight loss now that she's lost a few kg's and is trying to share that with you (i.e makes her feel good about herself).

She may even (God forbid!) want you to follow her tracks because she knows it is successful and she wants you to feel that success.

As I said, this is a different perspective to others. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I just want to throw this hat in the ring for a bit of thought.

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I think it's negative self image, to be honest - that's what pushes us to be critical of others, to put others down in an attempt to bring ourselves up. I guess it's a case of the bullied becoming the bully. Lap-banding is a personal choice - something you don't  push on other people. If they ask questions, I answer them honestly and that's all.

 

I'm not sure how long she's been banded for but there is that initial rapid weight loss phase (within 1-2 years) that can make banders feels invisible...'behold, look what I have achieved!'. You look at other people eating large meals and you scoff, because all you need is 1/2 a banana for the day. How quickly we forget. I've been guilty of that. 

 

Try bringing her back to earth - she's in no position to look at larger people and criticise - she was there, for a long time I'm assuming. And she didn't get to where she is through sheer will-power, she got a lot of help and she's in no position to judge. 

 

She should simply be happy for herself because she made the right choice (for her) and simultaneously happy for  you because it's your choice not to go down the surgery route.

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Similar to Nathans train of thought here............ maybe she is actually trying, in her way, to encourage you?

 

I know the other day my son - who is mid 20's told me, that since i have had the band done - i have told him that he really needs to try to lose weight sooner rather than later, several times. (Along with trying to encourage him to use the gym membership he is paying for, but not going to... and saying I will support him through the lack of junk in the house, and that - as he is at his girlfriends 4 nights or so per week, he should cut down on  the amount of takeaway they eat - which is about 10 meals per week!!

 

I  don't mean to nag...I still love him hugely - whether he is large or small.... but I know how easy it was to get as large as  I am and how hard it is to lose.... and I want him to get healthier before he gets the health issues that weight brings and before he gets as trapped as i was - requiring this surgery!I  I really don't want him to spend the rest of his life getting bigger and being miserable underneath (which most of us probably are...we accepted our weight, but were/ are never happy with it!) AND I don't want him to get himself into a position where he needs to consider lap band surgery...........

 

Mind you... I would  NEVER sabotage him, if i knew he was trying!!!      :)

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