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Sabotage from friends and family (article)

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I found this article on another message board and at the time I was considering having lap-band done. I thought alot of people around me wouldn't understand why I was considering having the surgery (and I did experience a little negativity from people around me) but after reading this it helped me to realise why people around me might be feeling the way they do, and how to handle possible "negativity" after being banded ...happy reading!

ARE YOU EXPERIENCING POSSIBLE SABOTAGE FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY ON YOUR LAP-BAND JOURNEY?

Whether or not it's intentional, sometimes our closest family and friends have the unfortunate knack of trying to sabotage our most fervent attempts to stay on track while on the Gastric Band journey. Some remarks you may have experienced include: complaining about the amount of time you spend exercising, enticing you with unhealthy foods or making comments like you don't look like you've lost weight! One of my all time favourites is those 'friends' who feign 'shock' by saying that you're losing too much weight too fast!

So, why are those that say they are closest to us trying to sabotage us on our Gastric Band journey? Here are some reasons:

* Consider they might not even realise they are making comments that are upsetting us.

* There's a chance they might feel insecure about their own weight or issues going on in their life so it makes them feel bad about themselves or they feel it puts pressure on them to change their lives.

* They might be concerned that the positive changes you are making in your life will affect your relationship with them.

* Maybe they don't understand that some of the reasons why you are working so hard to lose weight is so you reduce your health.

* Sometimes they might not appreciate why you're so worried about your weight. Those that have never had an issue with their weight can't possibly understand what it's like for those of us who have experienced difficulty maintaining our weight.

These types of negative behaviours from those closest to you can be demoralising, especially if you might be already struggling. You may not be able to control the actions of others, but you can certainly control your own. Here are some tips you can use to neutralise sabotage from others:

* Explain to family and friends what you are doing and how much it means to you, so they can help you achieve your goals. Tell them that when they try to persuade you to eat certain foods, it makes it difficult for you. Try to alleviate their fears and insecurities that your losing weight will lead to spending less time together or that you won't understand each other anymore.

* A good way for people to see your point of view is to involve them! Research shows that when people recruit a friend into their weight-loss program, they're more likely to stick with it. I've found this strategy very beneficial. I often try to organise a walk with friends instead of going for something to eat which means we can still catch up on all the gossip without indulging in all the unwanted calories. Often we'll go out when we finish, but I'll usually just have a coffee.

* If friends or family pass judgement on you, it's possible it's coming from their own feelings of lack. Give them the benefit of the doubt and realise they don't know what it's like to live your life. Remember that every decision is yours to make and be happy knowing you're doing something positive for yourself.

* If you know you have to go to an event where people will try to tempt you with something unhealthy, have a few responses at the ready. Try a delay tactic like, "It looks lovely, I might have some later" or "No thanks, I just ate." If they keep persisting, say, "I'm trying to make positive changes in my life, I would appreciate it if you could support me."

* You need to take responsibility for your Gastric Band journey and realise that you are accountable for your choices. You need to consider if your family & friends are really trying to sabotage you or whether you might be using it as a reason to eat unhealthy.

The people closest to you only want what's best for you and will support you in reaching your goals. People who truly love and care about you will want what's best for you and will support you in your Lap Band journey. Everybody is different and only you can decide what is best for you. Keep in mind that no one can make you do anything you don't want to. It is your life and you control the reigns.

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Thanks for posting this, it is very interesting to read and I will keep some of the suggestions in mind :P

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Great reading Maz.

Thanks so much for posting!

Nonny

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just bring a before picture with you everywhere, i keep one on my phone if they ever put you down or say something negative just show them. If your not comfortable with that just say your not hungry, they might say your never hungry blah blah, This really annoys me I generally reply with a "Really? or maybe you just eat too much?" I know that might sound harsh but its hard enough without people pressuring you to eat, this is just my opinion and how I handle things. Everyone has their own way

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I'm still a little insecure in my lapbad adventure so I hadle this by simply operating under the radar and not telling anyone I'm banded. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to confront it directly and deal with the sabotage I'm bound to encounter with confidence.

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I haven't told many people about being banded, my family have been supportive but not my friends, their belief is that I'm taking "the easy way out", I try to explain to them that I'm not, but they don't understand...

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I would love to know why some people think that having to go through major surgery, having to totally change your eating habits, possibly have to give up some of the foods you love, experiencing PB's if you are not careful - why all this is considered the easy way out..... easy way out is those that have never had a weight problem!!!!!

It is not the easy way, but most of the time it is the ONLY way out... thats what these people need to know!!!!

I had a (thin) friend who has never struggled with weight in her life, when I told her I had laybyed my pandora bracelet and will use it by getting charms as motivation on my journey... her response was "you shouldn't need motivation now!!!"... Grrrrrrrr :evil: :evil:

A lot of the time it is either peoples ignorance, jealousy or insecurities which cause them to be negative, so they arent worth worrying about Corinna when they voice their opinions...

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Their ignorance speaks volumes and we shouldn't let anyone who doesn't know what they're talking about, upset us!! Deep breaths girls ;)

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I think a lot of it has to do with the fact they don't like to see others succeed where they themselves have failed. Losing weight and keeping it off (possibly for the first time in our lives) demonstrates a hitherto unknown strength. MOST of the time I doubt the comments are designed to be hurtful. Our losing weight (and keeping it off), regaining health and the enormous sense of achievement, pride and new found confidence can be a bit overwhelming for others. Perhaps it makes them more aware of their own shortcomings/faults. People who have never had a weight problem will never get it and there is no use trying to get them to understand. I have chosen not to tell anyone other than my best friend. I have told everyone else that I am adopting a new healthy lifestyle, using portion control and exercise to achieve my weight loss goals-which is true. People around me are aware of my goals and are on the whole (at the moment anyway) very supportive. I have lost weight before (lots of it) but I have always regained it...this time there will be no regaining and I am so looking forward to that... :) For the first time (ever) I am giving away any clothing that has become to big...I will not be needing them again (EVER).

Don't let ANYONE undermine your resolve. You are the one who inhabits your body, not them. They have NO idea how you feel, they have never had to face the issues and struggles you have...! Just get on with things with a quiet determination and let the end results speak for themselves.

Merry Christmas

Nik

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well said NIKKI;)

MY BODY MY CHOICE!!! if that dont like it they dont live with it- i do

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Wow! Great article and great responses everyone! Has put a few things into perspective for me as i've been dealing with alot of negativity from certain friends and family.

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Doesn't it truly SUCK that you have to justify your lifestyle choices to others?

I know personally I really struggle with 'helpful' comments when it comes to my health issues, especially my weight.

I have had chronic insomnia and diabetes since I was a child, and yet despite knowing this, people always feel the need to contribute their 'helpful' suggestions regarding ways I can supposedly beat these health problems. Like I haven't tried everything under the sun!

Don't even get me started on weight loss!!! Hey maybe, if I stop breathing, I'll stop gaining weight? Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to not eat bad food. Sorry?? I've been on a diabetic's diet since I was diagnosed 20 years ago!? Don't tell me I'm not eating right. I'd be dead by now if I wasn't! (puff puff, ok ok I'll calm down now!)

I was at my GP's office the other week and this rude, nosy pathology nurse sitting in reception (who walked in to my doctor's room while I was in the appointment with her) ended up telling me all about how she was doing weight watchers and she was losing heaps of weight, and maybe I just was eating the wrong things (as she crammed raspberry licorice into her mouth) I was so upset, I ended up going home and crying my eyes out because I felt so judged.

And that's just it. People are just being judgmental. Because they are actually incapable of understanding.

I have a brother who has bowel and liver cancer, and you'd think he'd understand how I struggle with my own health issues, but even still, he doesn't. He just thinks I'm fat because I eat junk all day, which I don't, and don't exercise, which I do.

Unless you've been overweight, or had trouble with weight loss, you can never understand. People say they do, but they just don't. They're not capable of understanding it. The psychology, the physiology, none of it. And thank goodness for Doctors who do!

I too can't tell my own brother I'm doing this because he would tell me I'm taking the easy way out. But that's ok. I have 2 supportive parents, and an incredible partner who will support me the whole way.

I feel like I've found a place where people truly understand the weight battle. It feels awesome.

Thank you, everyone.

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Doesn't it truly SUCK that you have to justify your lifestyle choices to others?

I know personally I really struggle with 'helpful' comments when it comes to my health issues, especially my weight.

I have had chronic insomnia and diabetes since I was a child, and yet despite knowing this, people always feel the need to contribute their 'helpful' suggestions regarding ways I can supposedly beat these health problems. Like I haven't tried everything under the sun!

Don't even get me started on weight loss!!! Hey maybe, if I stop breathing, I'll stop gaining weight? Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to not eat bad food. Sorry?? I've been on a diabetic's diet since I was diagnosed 20 years ago!? Don't tell me I'm not eating right. I'd be dead by now if I wasn't! (puff puff, ok ok I'll calm down now!)

I was at my GP's office the other week and this rude, nosy pathology nurse sitting in reception (who walked in to my doctor's room while I was in the appointment with her) ended up telling me all about how she was doing weight watchers and she was losing heaps of weight, and maybe I just was eating the wrong things (as she crammed raspberry licorice into her mouth) I was so upset, I ended up going home and crying my eyes out because I felt so judged.

And that's just it. People are just being judgmental. Because they are actually incapable of understanding.

I have a brother who has bowel and liver cancer, and you'd think he'd understand how I struggle with my own health issues, but even still, he doesn't. He just thinks I'm fat because I eat junk all day, which I don't, and don't exercise, which I do.

Unless you've been overweight, or had trouble with weight loss, you can never understand. People say they do, but they just don't. They're not capable of understanding it. The psychology, the physiology, none of it. And thank goodness for Doctors who do!

I too can't tell my own brother I'm doing this because he would tell me I'm taking the easy way out. But that's ok. I have 2 supportive parents, and an incredible partner who will support me the whole way.

I feel like I've found a place where people truly understand the weight battle. It feels awesome.

Thank you, everyone.

Hear, hear!

Those that point the finger have 3 fingers pointing back at them....

P.S. you have an absolutely STUNNING photo! are you a model? If not, then you damned well should/could be!!!!

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Hear, hear!

Those that point the finger have 3 fingers pointing back at them....

P.S. you have an absolutely STUNNING photo! are you a model? If not, then you damned well should/could be!!!!

Oh, thank you! No, I am a singer/songwriter though, so that picture was taken at a photoshoot for my album. :) Thank you so much for such a lovely compliment. Unfortunately until I get banded I doubt there will be any record contracts on the horizon.. They told me I was too weighty when I was 70kgs.. and now I'm 90!!

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Hi everyone,i too experienced the negative comments,someone even said are you so lazy you cant do it yourself?you have to go to that extreme to lose weight?I was gutted,and really hurt,a lot of people think its a magic pill,its not,you still have to work,and i mean do these people think we ve never tried weight watchers?Im sure like me you guys have tried it all,also i think some people dont understand how the surgery works therefore ignorance.Anyway i wish nothing but the best for everyone on here.

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Hi everyone,

I think I must have been the exception. I thought everyone would freak out, but they have been so supportive. I think my attitude helped too. I am so positive about this journey. My philosophy......if you feel threatened, jealous, worried, etc. That is your hang-up, not mine. Dont put your prejudices on me as they are not welcome. If this sounds harsh, yeah it probably is. I have been bullied and belittled all my life. I made a vocal decision a few years ago that I was going to live for me and not everyone else. And with the love of my beautiful husband, this is exactly what I am doing.

This is YOUR life, YOUR decision, GO FOR IT!!!

Melissa

PS, sorry if I sound angry, I am so sick of people treating us as second class citizens.....:angry: :angry: :angry: ......this is not the easy way out.....far from it.

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PS, sorry if I sound angry, I am so sick of people treating us as second class citizens.....:angry: :angry: :angry: ......this is not the easy way out.....far from it.

So pleased you also feel you are being treated as a second class citizen too. I'm looking forward to a few 'Pretty Woman' (Julia Roberts) moments down the track.

S

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Hey Ladies,

It breaks my heart people can be so "school yard bully" I can't believe what some people have said to me, and to you all as well, its like how do these people think it is not rude by saying these things?

If that was me I would NEVER in a million years say things like "it’s the easy way out" especially if you are thin and have never been over weight, or assume we are doing the wrong thing? Why not stop and ask for more info before shooting your mouths off???

We do not have to justify ourselves to anyone but the person in the mirror! Let alone strangers, or family or friends who should love us with whatever we decide.

There’s so many things I would want to say back, and think of after the fact, but most times it hurts and I feel defensive, or I just want to cry, and think wow they think I shouldn’t be eating this, but truth is I have been that strict that I haven’t had a treat in months, and have no idea the mental things we have to overcome each and every day...

I have made friends and lost some, it’s amazing what you learn about yourself through the banding journey, you face your inner demons, face fears, and overcome bad habits/patterns.

I am proud of each and every one of you ladies, please try to let it go and know that the only person you need to answer to is yourself.

Good luck! xx

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I haven’t told many people about my upcoming surgery. Only my close family know and a few very close friends. (and my boss).

I am so scared of potential negative comments and attitude and reading this only confirms I have made the right decision keeping this low key. (I get banded in exactly 7 days)

What people need to realise is this- people like me who are obese have an eating disorder. Just as a person suffering from anorexia has an eating disorder, only at the other end of the scale. I highly doubt that there is one obese person who is “happy†with their body. (Please note I am not referring to fuller figured, overweight people, I am referring to obesity, paticuarly morbid obesity, like myself at 158kg)

Telling us we just need to “eat less, eat better and exercise†is not going to help. We know this! We wish we could do this on our own, but we cannot, obviously we cannot or we would not be the weight we are! Whilst every person has their own story and their own personal relationship with food/exercise and dieting, I would imagine most, if not all obese people are lacking something that prevents them from losing weight and keeping it off. (something more than lack of discipline and laziness)

In some ways it is harder for people who are addicted to food to stop this habit/cycle, rather than other addictions. An alcoholic, once sober can never have an aloholic drink again, they know this. Similar for a recovering gambler, drug addict, smoker etc.

Food addicts still have to eat! Imagine saying to a recovering alcoholic, You must have 3 beers a day but you have to stop at that one beer? This is what is feels like for me to have - one biscuit, one slice of toast etc.

Most recovering addicts can avoid situations that would tempt them, the recovering gambler does not to the club where there is pokies, the recovering alcoholic does not get a job at a pub etc.

This is not possible for a recovering food addict.

Most celebrations revolve around food, or include a “feast†of some sort. , ie birthday cakes, Christmas dinner, easter eggs/buns, barbeques, the list goes on.

No-one says. oh (insert name) is on a new healthy eating plan so we wont include cake or bad celebratory food that would tempt him/her.

Getting a lap band is not an “easy way out†and it is definitely not excessive for the obese person or the person who has tried every other option.

Most people cannot imagine what it is like to constantly feel hungry, to constantly have to battle to stop yourself from eating, from knowing what “real hunger†is, as opposed to comfort eating. Just as I cannot possibly imagine what the temptation is to go and play a poker machine, until bit by bit it gets a hold of you to the point where you are addicted to the point of no return. I can sympathise though and understand that the person in this situation needs help to overcome their addiction.

I have battled with my weight for all my life. I have been on many successful and many unsuccessful diets. I have an eating disorder and find it extremely hard to have portion control. I start out well, but each meal a little more food makes its way on the plate until I am feasting once again (yep even on good food) and not losing weight.

To have something that wont allow me to eat a big meal, something that tells me when I have had enough to eat seems like a gift from God.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that we need help? We cannot do this on our own, we need support and encouragement. We do not need to be judged as taking the easy way out.

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If anyone says to me I am taking the easy way my answer will be "Hell yeah, I have taken the hard road for 30 years, time to have a easy ride".

and if they choose to drive somewhere instead of walking aren't they also taking an easy way ??

Be strong, because in reality it doesn't matter what others say or think, it is what you think and do that matters to you!

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Janine, that has to be the best comeback line for the 'easy way out' remark I have ever heard! I LOVE it! lol!

I will use it if I decide to share my future secret and experience the patronising attitude.

Sarah

If anyone says to me I am taking the easy way my answer will be "Hell yeah, I have taken the hard road for 30 years, time to have a easy ride".

and if they choose to drive somewhere instead of walking aren't they also taking an easy way ??

Be strong, because in reality it doesn't matter what others say or think, it is what you think and do that matters to you!

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i'm on the opti pre band and i think my mother inlaw who i live with is trying to stuff things up for me, we go and do the shopping and she has to buy frozen chips and snack foods now she is quite big herself and has weight problems and wont exercise using her COPD as a excuse, now my husband and kids are very supportive, i was hoping by myself doing this will help the rest of the house to eat smaller portons. i do the cooking most of the time.

Dani

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i'm on the opti pre band and i think my mother inlaw who i live with is trying to stuff things up for me, we go and do the shopping and she has to buy frozen chips and snack foods now she is quite big herself and has weight problems and wont exercise using her COPD as a excuse, now my husband and kids are very supportive, i was hoping by myself doing this will help the rest of the house to eat smaller portons. i do the cooking most of the time.

Dani

Stay strong Dani, you can not control what others shove into their mouth. If you do most of the cooking dont' use that crap she is buying - stick with fresh vegetables and lean meats. If she complains tell her to cook her own meals and that you are not going to kill yourself eating that crap ! Tell her enough is enough, be brutal with her and suggest she could lose a few pounds herself !!

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Told a bunch of nursing friends today I was thinking about having a band - OMG. I got some really unbelievable comments:

1..you won't be able to eat anything!

2. all your food will be puree

3. what if it gets infected? it can kill you

4, what if it slips?

5. can't you just start training again? (uh no, I have a baby now, work, husband travels for work and no time atm to swim bike run)

6. its the easy way out - just do weight watchers, at least you're eating real food etc etc etc yada, yada, yada........

7. how can you afford to get it done?

Its just a risk I'll have to take.I'm sick of being fat and unfit, hating what I see in the mirror, having no libido, being in pain from some sprain or strain, listening to my knees wet crunch when I go up stairs or do a squat, my swayback from weak abdominals and excess weight, my flat feet that hurt and force my ankles in because of my excess weight, the double chins in photos that mean I'm always behind the camera, when I smile I look chinese because of my facial fat (seriously, i was told this), the slack tits, the flappy upper arms, the sheer size of my big unit thighs and arse, the sheer amount of food it takes to maintain my weight (and the expense), the sweating on warm days from groin, lower back and arms when no one else seems to be affected by the heat, the gassy belly, the poor baby girl who plays alone because mummy can't get down on the floor with her because she is so inflexible and sore, the big unit husband who brings home chips and chocolate - I told him the other day that if I stay big it makes him feel better because he then doesn't have to do anything about his weight - he denied it then later admitted it was true. He's afraid that I'm going to leave him if I become better looking without the weight. I was denied a job recently because of safety concerns regarding my weight and my ability to move quickly in an emergency, and that my weight makes me more prone to injury. If something happens to my husband, I need to be able to earn to support my baby girl - so I have a great motivator right there.

I think all of us have reasons as numerous as what's above as to why we've made this decision. The ignorant and jealous and insecure don't get it and don't want to. This is the one time in my life I'm doing something costly for myself. I'm then going to get a new haircut, a new wardrobe, some new pretty underwear (instead of the flag underpants the currently grace my line), I'm going to go to a physio and get my joints and back sorted, I'm going to see a personal trainer and get my fitness mojo back, I'm not going to be physically limited by my fat being in my way anymore, and I'm going to be good at my job and raise my baby girl in an active, happy way.

No one can 'get' all this except me. Thats why it is futile to try and explain myself, they aren't me and don't have to live with feeling as bad as I do. So the judgemental can get nicked.

All this is probably TMI and sounds like a rant, but I get passionate when it comes to bullying and coercion and manipulation. Not fair when someone is trying to be healthy! All of you are brilliant, keep up your good work. And janine, love your comeback - I'm going to save that one for a few smartarse friends. cool.gif

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Told a bunch of nursing friends today I was thinking about having a band - OMG. I got some really unbelievable comments:

1..you won't be able to eat anything!

2. all your food will be puree

3. what if it gets infected? it can kill you

4, what if it slips?

5. can't you just start training again? (uh no, I have a baby now, work, husband travels for work and no time atm to swim bike run)

6. its the easy way out - just do weight watchers, at least you're eating real food etc etc etc yada, yada, yada........

7. how can you afford to get it done?

Its just a risk I'll have to take.I'm sick of being fat and unfit, hating what I see in the mirror, having no libido, being in pain from some sprain or strain, listening to my knees wet crunch when I go up stairs or do a squat, my swayback from weak abdominals and excess weight, my flat feet that hurt and force my ankles in because of my excess weight, the double chins in photos that mean I'm always behind the camera, when I smile I look chinese because of my facial fat (seriously, i was told this), the slack tits, the flappy upper arms, the sheer size of my big unit thighs and arse, the sheer amount of food it takes to maintain my weight (and the expense), the sweating on warm days from groin, lower back and arms when no one else seems to be affected by the heat, the gassy belly, the poor baby girl who plays alone because mummy can't get down on the floor with her because she is so inflexible and sore, the big unit husband who brings home chips and chocolate - I told him the other day that if I stay big it makes him feel better because he then doesn't have to do anything about his weight - he denied it then later admitted it was true. He's afraid that I'm going to leave him if I become better looking without the weight. I was denied a job recently because of safety concerns regarding my weight and my ability to move quickly in an emergency, and that my weight makes me more prone to injury. If something happens to my husband, I need to be able to earn to support my baby girl - so I have a great motivator right there.

I think all of us have reasons as numerous as what's above as to why we've made this decision. The ignorant and jealous and insecure don't get it and don't want to. This is the one time in my life I'm doing something costly for myself. I'm then going to get a new haircut, a new wardrobe, some new pretty underwear (instead of the flag underpants the currently grace my line), I'm going to go to a physio and get my joints and back sorted, I'm going to see a personal trainer and get my fitness mojo back, I'm not going to be physically limited by my fat being in my way anymore, and I'm going to be good at my job and raise my baby girl in an active, happy way.

No one can 'get' all this except me. Thats why it is futile to try and explain myself, they aren't me and don't have to live with feeling as bad as I do. So the judgemental can get nicked.

All this is probably TMI and sounds like a rant, but I get passionate when it comes to bullying and coercion and manipulation. Not fair when someone is trying to be healthy! All of you are brilliant, keep up your good work. And janine, love your comeback - I'm going to save that one for a few smartarse friends. cool.gif

Hey, maybe your colleagues have other issues with you getting the band, I don't work in the field, and I also realise that maybe you guys see what happens when things go wrong with the band, BUT, nurses must also see the ugly side of obesity related diseases etc too. I hate operations etc, but was determined to do it and if I have any problems such as slippage, it's the chance I take and I'll just have to get it fixed. Not good, but hey, I knew the risks it entails and still think it is worth the chance. When I was in hospital having my band, I don't know if the nursing staff were just saying it for my benefit, but two nurses said that they were jealous and really wanted to get it done, one of em was my theatre nurse (so she would know the ins & outs of the op), the other my prep nurse. Another nurse that looked after me that night said that one of her friends had it done and had fantastic results and was very positive about it all. So I thought the medical profession is more positive about banding and the benefits???

As for not eating, there maybe a few foods that you have to stay away from, but most of us can still eat a very varied diet. I have a fair amount in my band and don't need to puree. Most people who do diet plans such as weight watchers can loose the weight, but eventually put it all back on again, plus a few friends, but sorry, I don't really need to state that we all know this all too well unfortunately......

Well the hubby, mine is fit and healthy and always has been so really doesn't understand, but hiss father who he is the image of, put on weight later in life and he said that I didn't need the band as we could be fat together one day, wtf. He really didn't want me to get it done, more to do with the risks of the actual operation than anything, but eventually he came around and is very supportive now. He said that he has seen the emotional, mental and health struggles weight has caused me (much the same as you described above - a child said that I looked asian because of my facial fat, so you are not alone) hubby is all good now, I really underestimated his support.

Best wishes with it all, you sound very determined and positive. xxxx

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